A Fine Line

As you all know, I am back in graduate school.  I am finding that I love the challenge of hard work and learning.  However, it can also be stressful.  When I feel stressed out, I sometimes find myself reverting to old behaviors.  One of the big ones is that I tend to pull back from people when I am really stressed out.  When I do this, I find that I get down on myself.  Before I met Charlie and found Christ, I pushed people away.  I stayed in my own little box where I felt “safe”.  Problem was I also felt very lonely.

This can be a fine line for me.  I find that with the addition of at least 2-3 hours of schoolwork a day that I find myself needing more “Bryan time” then I used to.  I know that it is healthy to need some time to yourself.  However, with my penchant for “running and hiding” I have to watch it.  Recently I found that I was a little more emotionally distant then I would care to be.  I felt guilty about this.  Growing up I had someone in my life that would hold us at arm’s length emotionally.  Currently I find myself doing this.  Now, I am not totally emotionally absent, but I have pulled back and it was noticed. I feel bad about this.  I know that I am not perfect but I felt somewhat selfish for behaving like this.

So now, I am in a position where on the one hand I want to pull people closer but at the same time wanting some time to myself that in all honesty I have not been getting enough of.  So this tension continues inside me even as I move on and continue to work hard on my schoolwork.  I am proud of my efforts as I am getting A’s in both my classes at the current time.   I do not want to be an “emotionally absent” spouse, friend, son, or co-worker.  Nevertheless, I think I have been to some degree.  I want to be the person that God wants me to become and not the old me.  I am struggling with this right now, but I know I will get through it.