Letting Go

Right now, I find that in two areas of my life, I have really struggled with letting go of my own self-centered thoughts and being centered in the present.  The first area of my life that I am struggling with letting go is my relationship with Christ.  Last month, I applied for an internship at the UW-Milwaukee library.  I built up my hopes that I would get this part time job and be able to leave the career that I have been in for 11 years behind.  I was ready to move on. 

I felt disappointed, frustrated and betrayed. According to my timetable this was it, let’s go!  But it was not in God’s timetable. I felt upset with God.  He knows how I feel about my job.  Why was He leaving me stuck here?  So I decided that I was going to dig in my heels and do things my way, I’d show Him! I did not even stop to think that my timetable and God’s were different; it did not occur to me that I should just trust that this is where he wants me to be at this exact moment.

In the past week, I have begun to read The Purpose Driven Life by Pastor Rick Warren.  As I started to work through the chapters in the book, I realized that I had lost my perspective.  I was focusing too much on myself and missing the bigger picture.  I was fighting God, wasting a lot of time and energy in the process. So I made a decision, I am going to trust God and stop fighting Him.  If he wants me to be where I am right now, then I am going to accept that fact and try my hardest.  I want to glorify His name.  I am going to trust that Jesus loves me and knows what is best for me.  This will not be easy for me to do on a daily basis, but I am done fighting.  God will do what is in His will when he is ready.

I will be entering my second semester in the LIS program at UW-Milwaukee.  I went back to school, because I am training for a career that is more compatible with my talents and temperament, then the one I have now.  There is no guarantee that I will land a job in this new field, but I have faith that God has guided me to this path for a reason.  If it is His will, this will happen on His timeline, not mine.  I have to surrender this part of my life to Christ, let him take control and be a part of my professional life every day.

There is a part of me that wants to continue to resist and want things on my timetable, which is a mistake that many people and Christians make.  In our arrogance we think that we know better than God what is right for us. In the process, forgetting or not caring how much he loves and wants the best for us.  Most of my life I have seen surrendering or letting go of control of something as a weakness. However, there is a passage in Pastor Warren’s book, where he talks about letting go as strength not a weakness.  Letting go and trusting someone else’s love be it Jesus or my wife for example show’s how strong a person is, not how weak.  Any person can be stubborn and try to live life their way; Jesus modeled the ultimate strength when he sacrificed his own life, for the whole of humanity.  Christ through his example showed that sacrificial living is not something for the weak minded, but the strong hearted.

               

Turning negatives into positives

I found out two weeks ago that I did not get an internship that I had applied for with the UW-Milwaukee library.  I invested a lot of time and energy into applying for the position. I really got my hopes up that I would get the position.  When I found out that I did not get the job, my first reaction was very mild.  I reasoned that I did not have the experience that they were looking for.  Looking at it in a positive way, I gained some valuable experience in how to put together a resume from scratch.

Within a few days, however I felt melancholy.  Was it the setting in of winter?  The holiday season, nope it was that I had not gotten the internship.  Specifically, that I would not be able to leave my current job that I have held for 11 + years and begin a new chapter in my life.  I started to allow myself to think that I was “stuck.”  Instead of choosing to view this as a temporary setback, and try to seek new ways to challenge myself in my current position, I felt angry, and impatient.

Over the weekend, I found myself taking stock of where I am emotionally.  I realized that I have allowed myself to drift to far in the negative/pessitimisitc direction.  With that negative feeling, is also a feeling of powerlessness.  That is not an emotionally healthy place for me to be.  Therefore, I started reading one of the books that I had gotten for Christmas called Positive Dog.  I can feed the negative “dog” inside of myself or the “positive” one.  Well, for the past few weeks the negative one has gotten way to fat. 

I personally struggle with feeding myself positive stuff on a regular basis.  I will get something here or there, like a book or poem, or Scripture verse.  I have to remember what started me out on this new life journey that I started in 2011 two things; one I am in control of my thoughts and emotions, and two that I am a new person in Christ.  Every day is a new beginning if only I chose to view it that way.

So now, the challenge is for me to “stay” up.  Part of that is listing all the good things in my life right now: my relationship with Jesus, my marriage to an awesome woman who is helping me to become the best person that I am, a supportive family, a steady job that provides a livable wage, a great congregation to belong to, my wife’s growing faith, the Packers making the play offs, enjoying, thriving and succeeding in school, maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle, being more conscious of what I am doing and why I do things, and reaching the realization that I am ready for the next challenge in my professional life.

The items that I could choose to view as negative, it being winter, still being at my current job, and not feeling intellectually stimulated I can view as good things if I chose to see them that way.  The feeling that I am ready to move on can serve as motivation to look harder for a new opportunity and it being winter I can use as an extra motivator to exercise and stay in shape.

Negativity Creeping Back In

Last month I had applied for an internship in the UW-Milwaukee Library in the Reference Department.  I found out last week that I not only did not get the internship, I did not even get an interview.  I felt disappointed, and a bit upset.  After I applied for the internship, I found myself looking forward to being able to embark upon a new career path.  One where I would discontinue at my current job and move into the exciting library field.  Well, things did not quiet work out that way.  Most of the disappointment that I feel was not from not getting the internship, but that I was still “stuck” in the same place that I have been for eleven years.

As I came to this realization, I also became more conscious that my attitude about my current job had become negative again.  This is of course something that I can be in full control of.  I know that I am blessed to be employed in a stable (as far as I know) job that pays enough to help us sustain our lifestyle.  Nevertheless, I have allowed my old negative view that I have of myself in this position surface again.  I have found one thing that tends to uplift me and improve my view of myself at work.  Reading uplifting Christian books that reminds me who I serve and why.  I am not here for myself, but to serve the living God and to glorify His name.   Even when I am doing a mundane or what I consider boring task, I am helping someone (one of God’s children) and in doing this with a good attitude, I am glorifying His name and spreading his kingdom. 

Therefore, I have gotten away from some of these books and as my stepfather says garbage in, garbage out.  All around me at work and in society, I hear many negative messages.  God, my family and friends act as the counterbalance to that.  If I do not a situation in my life, then there either are two things I can do do something about it, or accept it. Obviously, I am going back to school so I can get the education that I need to get a job in the library field.  My motivation to look for part time jobs right now is that if I find one and get a foothold this can only be a positive in the long run.

Being back in school, I feel like a part of myself has been reborn.  A long dormant part of me, the scholar.  The scholar/student in me loves to learn, and loves to be challenged intellectually.  I got that in spades my first semester back in graduate school and there was an emotional fulfillment I feel that is awesome.  My negative attitude about my job comes from the view that I hold of myself in it.  That is I look down on myself for being in a job that requires very little intellectual effort to do.  Then I am devaluating the positive aspects that this job has provided me.  Namely the experience and knowledge that I have gained working with different types of people.  I know that God can use me where I am “bloom where you are planted.”  In order to help to do that my resolution in the New Year is to work even harder to become a more positive and emotionally healthy person.  However, I will say this, in 2013, I learned to love and care about the person that I have become.

It's Been Awhile

It has been a while since I last posted a blog entry.  A bit of an update, I finished my first semester of graduate school.  I am certain I got an A in one class and pretty sure that I got an A in my other class to (still waiting on grades for final project).  Therefore, I find myself, in a bit of a lull here before the holiday season starts next week.  I allowed myself to be stressed out during the semester but I also found myself enjoying being challenged on an academic level.  I had not realized how much I missed being challenged like that.  Now I have something to work towards a concrete and solid goal.

I know that my lovely wife will welcome the break.  I am sure she grew tired of me talking about school so much of the time.  Therefore, I am going to try to find a project or project (s) to keep me out of trouble this next month. This past semester I took a course called Foundations of Library and Information Science, and The Organization of Information.  Next semester I am taking Introduction to Archives and Information Retrieval.  The second is one of the four core courses that all students in the MLIS program at UWM have to take.  The course in archives is the intro class in that field.  I am strongly considering a career in archives.  However, I am also keeping my mind open also for public and academic libraries.

I really enjoyed my Foundations class.  A lot of that was the professor I had Dr.Latham.  She uses the Socratic Method in her teaching.  Asking questions and then prodding us to look deeper for answers.  She also designed the writing assignments in the course to help us learn how to write at the graduate level.  Part of these assignments was turning in formal outlines.  The first time I did an outline I found it difficult to do.  Nevertheless, the second time through was much easier.  I found it much easier to actually write the paper, because in the process of doing my research and writing the outline the hardest work for the paper had been done.  Overall, Dr.Latham challenged us to become better thinkers and better writers, because, she wants to see us succeed in the program.  I find that what keeps me engaged and getting bored is that I need to be challenged intellectually or personally by something or someone.  This is one reason my wife Charlie and I are so good for each other.  She challenges me to be a better person then I am.  She keeps me on my toes, so I don’t get bored : ).  She recognizes this in me, and since she loves me and wants the best for me, she challenges me to be the best person that I can be.  I thank her for loving me enough to kick me in the butt and keep me moving : )

A Fine Line

As you all know, I am back in graduate school.  I am finding that I love the challenge of hard work and learning.  However, it can also be stressful.  When I feel stressed out, I sometimes find myself reverting to old behaviors.  One of the big ones is that I tend to pull back from people when I am really stressed out.  When I do this, I find that I get down on myself.  Before I met Charlie and found Christ, I pushed people away.  I stayed in my own little box where I felt “safe”.  Problem was I also felt very lonely.

This can be a fine line for me.  I find that with the addition of at least 2-3 hours of schoolwork a day that I find myself needing more “Bryan time” then I used to.  I know that it is healthy to need some time to yourself.  However, with my penchant for “running and hiding” I have to watch it.  Recently I found that I was a little more emotionally distant then I would care to be.  I felt guilty about this.  Growing up I had someone in my life that would hold us at arm’s length emotionally.  Currently I find myself doing this.  Now, I am not totally emotionally absent, but I have pulled back and it was noticed. I feel bad about this.  I know that I am not perfect but I felt somewhat selfish for behaving like this.

So now, I am in a position where on the one hand I want to pull people closer but at the same time wanting some time to myself that in all honesty I have not been getting enough of.  So this tension continues inside me even as I move on and continue to work hard on my schoolwork.  I am proud of my efforts as I am getting A’s in both my classes at the current time.   I do not want to be an “emotionally absent” spouse, friend, son, or co-worker.  Nevertheless, I think I have been to some degree.  I want to be the person that God wants me to become and not the old me.  I am struggling with this right now, but I know I will get through it.

Overload, Overworked, Over Stressed Time for a Break

I have enjoyed my new academic journey so far, but right now, I have hit a wall, and the hardest part of the semester still lie in the future.  I am a person that learns material best by not just reading, but also taking detailed notes.  The downside of this is that it takes a long time to do for textbook chapters.  I find myself wanting to rush through sometimes and finish so I can get all of my work done.  I would like to take a break (a day or two) but if I do this then I will start to fall behind and become even more stressed out.  Therefore, I face a bit of a dilemma what to do in this situation.  That having been said, I love the intellectual challenge and rigor of graduate school.  I am just feeling burnout about 4-5 weeks sooner then I would like. 

I also have a goal of being an A student in school.  I also have a long history of being a perfectionist (those of you who know me please don’t roll your eyes to much), and instead of enjoying my good grades so far I am allowing myself to worry about not losing to many points etc.  I need to stop this destructive thought pattern on my own with “you are doing a great job”. If the semester ended today I would have an A in one class and an A/A- in the other, I just want to keep those grades up.  Therefore, I need to work my hardest but then be able to let go.  People such as my wife, my mom and my stepdad and my therapist have been telling me this for a long time.  I am not quite there yet with the letting go, but I have made progress on the replacing a negative thought with a positive thought.  That is awesome!

Now I need to ask myself, how can I help my stress level without allowing it to negatively affect my long-term goals?  Back in the old days when I would feel stressed out, I would isolate myself from people and hide in my apartment.  Well, I am not going to go to that extreme seeing as Charlie might miss me ; ) .  However, I can take an evening for myself where I exercise, relax, and do something mindless.  That is what my body and brain are screaming for.  This would obviously be easier to do if I was a full time student.  I also work 40 hours a week and I am dealing with people all day there as well.  (Being an introvert in a situation like this is a challenge).  Therefore, I need to take this me time in small chunks and make it work.  I am so blessed to have a wife who is an introvert as well and who understands what I am going through.  I am truly blessed.

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 5

1. Ohio State 5-0, (1-0) LW (1)
2. Northwestern 4-0 (2)
3. Michigan 4-0 (4)
4. Wisconsin 3-2 (3)
5. Michigan St. 3-1 (5)
6. Penn.St 3-1 (6)
7. Iowa 4-1, (1-0) (9)
8. Nebraska 3-1 (8)
9. Minnesota 4-1, (0-1) (7)
10. Illinois 3-1 (10)
11. Indiana 3-1 (11)
12. Purdue (1-4) 12