Freedom

    This past week Charlie and I went up to Faribault, Minnesota to stay with Jerry and Anita my in-laws.  We don't have the typical in-law type relationship, I consider them as close to me as my parents.  We went to the Rice County Fair, the science museum in St.Paul and up to Hinkley and stayed at Pathfinder Park for a bit and saw the casino in Hinkley.

    During the week, I was able to let go and not ruminate about things.  Instead of closely watching what I ate, I compromised by eating whatever I wanted but taking a long 3-4 mile walk each day.  It feels great to just be able to be in the moment and enjoy life.  As what normally happens the vacation came to and end, and I felt bummed and a bit sad.  Sadness at leaving Faribault after having such a good time.  But also sad that I was leaving a place and situation where I was able to "let my hair down."

    In the past two years I have really been working on thinking more positively and being "present."  I still really struggle with this at work.  Work remains the one place where instead of controlling my thoughts and actions,  I let them control me.  Today I was feeling frustrated because I have had a breath of emotional freedom and it felt so liberating.  Now I am returning to a situation where it is very challenging for me to do this.  At the risk of sounding overly pessimistic it's like having a peak of the bright sun, then being thrown back in a dungeon of emotional darkness.  So I am feeling happy and loved, but also frustrated because it is much harder for me to stay in the moment in my day to day life at work.  I have seen the light and I do not want to go back into the dark.  Anyways, that is how I am feeling inside right now.

    I recognize that I am choosing to view things at work in a negative light.  I am trying so hard to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones and I feel that it is not working.  I get so frustrated I just want the emotional pain to ease up.  My step father Gordon has told me many times that God does not promise easy, and my journey certainly at times has not been easy.  But I am really struggling and grinding right now and have been for much of the past 4-5 months at work.

    Let me be clear that there are many awesome things in my life.  Married life is awesome.  Charlie is all I could ask for in a wife.  I have been able to stay away from some unproductive behaviors that I engaged in before I met my beloved.  Most importantly, I am still walking on the path that leads to Jesus Christ.  College football season is starting in a month as well.  So yes I can see all the good things in my life, but do I dwell on those?  Eh, maybe about 25-35% of the time I do.  But at least 50-75% of the time I still choose to be stuck in the negative ruminating.

    I want to get to a point where I just let go.  I want to let go of past hurt and anger, and say I don't need that any more, but I am not there yet.  I want to say I chose not to go down this path of thinking or behavior.  I don't expect myself to be perfect, but I want to be free and just relax and live more of my life in the present.  I don't want to slip back into my old mind set.  I have asked God for His help, and I know I should be patient.  But right now I have to fight like the dickens not to slip back into that old behavior and thought patterns, I mean fight really hard.  I have heard of stop fighting the thoughts and just look at them and release them and I have tried to do this, but no luck.  I haven't found what works for me yet, and I pray that I do. Because I have had a taste of emotional freedom, and I want more.