I wrote in my last blog entry about feeling emotionally "free." So I then followed up and asked myself the question, where did this emotional freedom come from? I made a concious choice to let go of the things swirling in my brain and was emotionally present. Once I was in the moment I felt relaxed and able to just enjoy myself and others.
Part of being able to let go is to "go with the flow." I know all of us as humans struggle with this from time to time. We have things that we want to do or not do and we try to plan things out. Life however often has other plans for us and to live an emotionally healthy life we must learn to let go and go with it. I freely admit that I am a planner. This in itself is a good thing, but over the years I developed into an over planner. Growing up I was in an environment where there was a lot of emotional tension and uncertainty. Our lives revolved around one person and their schedule. As I grew up in this environment my needs and wants were very rarely validated. I as a person did not often feel validated. An aside, I know that in a family structure that parents run the show (or should any way.). But this went beyond that, we all walked on egg shells to please this family member and to not "rock the boat." When he was happy then it was okay for us to as well. As you can imagine this is not the most emotionally nurturing environment for a kid to grow up in.
So, as a result of this environment I felt I had little if any control over my life and surroundings. As I got older my response to this was to attempt to "take control" of my life. Not in an emotionally healthy way though. I decided that I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted. This played out more as I moved out on my own and lived by myself. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, I felt emotionally validated. I felt that I had some power and control over my life and this created a security blanket for me. This for me became a large part of my emotional "shell." I created a very inflexible and narrow path in living life. I became very inflexible and dogmatic and this in turn stunted the natural process of growth and learning that I think emotionally healthy people encounter in their life journey.
One thing that my mom would always say when I would be stubborn and dig in my heels on something is to "go with the flow" of what others wanted to do. I would feel anger at this, like I was surrendering and that no one care about what I "wanted." In this process I allowed things to be about "me." I became more self and inner focused. As I have gotten older, found the Lord, and found the woman who would become the love of my life, it became increasingly obvious that I needed to broaden my horizon and change my outlook. My stepdad Gordon, would say I had tunnel vision.
Part of this whole thing is me trying to plan things concretley months if not years in advance. This is I can now see is impractical and a lot of times impossible. Even within day to day life. Thinking I must and will get items A B and C done today. Instead of these are some things I would like to get done today but also be flexible enough to see what happens. My wife is a person who is very much like this. When I try and make these long detailed plans she will shrug her shoulders and say we will see. She does some planning like paying the bills and vacations but her attitude is to take life as it comes and be flexible. This has at times caused some consternation and frustration on my part. Internally, I would grind my teeth and dig my heels in further. This worked no better however.
So, I have decided that the better course is to adapt and become more flexible myself. There are two things each day that are "must do" for me: Bible study and exercise. If I can get these two things then I have achieved my personal goals. I will start thinking well I have to do all the laundry and dishes etc. I will allow myself to get so fixated in these things that I can become somewhat myopic in my focus. Charlie God bless her will say "let's go shopping." So then I can either say no I want to do laundry, or I can let go of my inflexiblity and go with it. This is what I normally do in these situations. So just in living life day in and day out I have seen how this whole process works.
I would like to reach a point where it becomes easier for me to live in the moment, and go with things more. These are not signs of weakness, or disregarding my worth or importance as a person. When it comes down to it, being more flexible and "organic" actually helps in the process of letting go. My relationship with Christ and my loving better half are really helping me in this regard. But I will also say that for me lately this has been a somewhat painful and frustrating proccess. Changing core beliefs while more then worth while is a slow and sometimes very hard and painful process, but it is very rewarding when I can have break throughs like I have the past few weeks.
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