Reaching Out

I feel that for the past year or two, that I have not reached out enough to people.  I remember when I first became a Christian, I had a fear at the time of dying alone, and this motivated me to reach out to people I didn't know and to try and get to know them.  Now however, I am married to an awesome woman, worship an awesome God, and have emotional stability that I haven't had in my life before.

However, I feel an urge to reach out.  Like many of us I have found myself distancing myself from or judging other people that I see as "different."  IE different socio-economic group, different denomination, different political or ideological views etc.  But I was reminded of something yesterday.  I have been allowing myself to let what I don't have in common with a person as a reason not to reach out.  Or I have looked at someone and thought "what could I possible have in common with that person?"  Well, as it turns out probably quite a bit.

We are both created by God.  Odds are pretty good that she knows what it is like to feel lonely and afraid, or pure joy, or being hungry etc.  Even though people have different views and way of dealing with things, we all have a soul.  The greatest commandment found in the New Testament "love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself."  I feel that I have done a better job of the latter then the former.

No where in the Bible does Jesus say that Christians should divide themselves into different sects and denominations.  This is what the Jews did.  They became so concerned with the specifics of God's law that they forgot about the greatest commandment.  I feel that in many ways we Christians to get caught up in these clashes of doctrine.  But in the end does it really matter whose Holy Water is more blessed?  Or if we should have traditional or contemporary music at worship?  This takes attention away from the essential truth.  We were made by God to serve Him, and glorify His name.

I look around me and see people reaching out to help the less fortunate.  I think in my mind, "I'd like to do that, but I don't have the time."  We often hear about giving more of our resources to the Church.  When I think of this, I think of money.  However, our time is also a resource.  To take that extra 10-15 minutes to stop and talk to a neighbor and say more than "hi." One of my main goals in life is to become a person who lifts people up, and does not tear them down.  I think I do a decent job of that with those close to me.  But I find myself internally critiquing a person who has what I consider a funky hair style or way out there clothes.  that doesn't change who they are.

We are all God's children and every Christian is part of the body of Christ.  It is time that we start acting more like it.  Not dividing our selves off into different denominations and thinking that our way of worship is "the best."  Every week our pastors end the service with the phrase "let's go out and change the world."  I often find myself asking am I changing the world?  Or am I stuck behind my comfort zone.

I yearn to become a better person then I am now.  I think that right now I am being called to grow as a disciple of Jesus.  I feel that I have not done the best job of modeling His life.  Would Jesus dis a woman who "smelled bad" or had "greasy hair"?  No, he would wash her feet and serve her.  That is the most powerful image I see in the Bible.  Here is Jesus, the Son of Man washing the feet of his disciples.  Yes we are to serve Him, but he chose to come among us as a human and to serve us as well.

Therefore, in the coming year I pledge to do a better job of reaching out to people and finding common ground with them, not a reason to shun them.  As an introvert it can be hard for me to reach out to total strangers, but I have gone out of my comfort zone to do this before, and again I will push myself more. My goal is not to reach out to people and convert them, but just to be there, because life is all about relationships, and like when I met my wife, you can't go looking for it specifically but you can have yourself in the right place, because the time will come.  Life is all about timing.  Be in the right place at the right time, and I vow to put myself in the right place more often.

The Rebellious Teenager

It has been over two months since I have written on a serious topic, but this is the calm before the storm so to speak.  In the last month of the semester I will have two 10-15 page papers due and a final exam. Therefore, tonight I want to write about something that has been on my mind quite a bit.

When I was growing up, I lived in a house where I was told what to do, and if I complained or even asked "why", I was told to go with the flow.  I grew up feeling that my wants and needs were minimized.  I felt irrelevant.  I felt that I had no control over my life or what I could do.  This was from the time I was old enough to test my boundaries till I was about 17.  This lack of control that I felt, and the feeling that I was irrelevant and unimportant came from one source in our family, my father.  We always did what he wanted to do.  At that point, he was a very controlling person.  I felt that I never got the chance to establish my own independence and identity as an individual that so many emotionally healthy kids and teenagers did.  I am sure that I acted out and rebelled against my dad in quiet and passive aggressive ways, but not openly. I associated doing something that I did not want to do with a feeling of not being cared about.

When my parents separated and my dad moved out, I allowed this behavior to be more in the open.  Whenever someone would ask me to do something that I did not want to do, I would either not do it, or do a half-a$$ed job of it.  In my mind the message was "this person does not care about me, if they did they would not be asking me to do something that I don't want to do." This would trigger anger or hurt and I would "rebel" by either not doing it, or rushing through it.

As I got older and moved out on my own, my subconscious thought "a ha we are on our own now, and we can do what we want, when we want." So I developed my "shell" of comfort and routine, I grew stubborn and did things the way I wanted to do them, when I wanted to do them, that was how I established my independence.  When someone wanted me to do something a different or better way, I would dig in my heels because I felt like they were trying to boss me around or tell me what to do.  My inner child would act up and say "this person doesn't care about what you want, they are just out for themselves, so screw them, do what you want because after all of these years of his shit, you've earned the right to do it your way." I went on through my late teens, twenties and early to mid thirty's not even being conscious of why I behaved this way.  Internally, I was trying to build my identity as an adult, and assert my independence.  I thought, if a person respects me and loves me, they will let me do what I want, the way I want to do it.  Any attempt to suggest a better way to do something, or ask for help was taken by me as either criticism or an attempt to control me.  I associated openness to change as weakness, and just an excuse people used to try and interfere with my existence as an autonomous being.  If they care about me, they will respect me and leave me be.

So, how does this manifest itself in my life today?  As an example, let's say Charlie asks me to clean out the litter box and to better organize the file we keep our bills in.  Internally, I feel annoyed and a bit hurt the rebellious teenager is thinking "she is asking you to do stuff that you do not want to do, does she really care about you?"  So instead of saying no, I think "this is stupid I don't want to do this so I will just rush through it and do a half ass job of it, that will show her for asking me to do something I don't want to do."  I am acting like a bratty, rebellious teenager.  On a rational level I know that we are a team and partnership and that she has every right to ask me to do these things.  She is also someone who knows that I can do things well even if I don't like doing them.  So instead of doing what my mom would do which is to throw her hands up in the air and say "okay you did a crappy job of that I guess I will have to do it next time", Charlie who wants me to be the best person I can be doesn't let me get away with that. It may irritate the crap out of me sometime but God bless her for that.

I can sit back now and reflect more on this behavior being more aware of it.  Every time I do something "my way" my emotionally rebellious teenager feels like he is sticking it to my dad saying " hey buddy you think my wants and needs are irrelevant or not important? Screw you I will do this my way."  Internally I am acting out against my father.  That anger and hurt that I feel isn't directed at whoever is asking me to do a task I find distasteful but is misdirected hurt and anger that I never confronted my dad about. So instead of hurting him when I act out, I am just hurting myself and annoying those that love me.  My two defense mechanisms from my childhood, the rebellious teenager, and my cocoon and emotional wall that I built up around myself, I used sarcasm, and negativity to keep people away from me, because I was hurting so much inside.  It was not until I took Jesus as my savior and let Charlene Grommesh into my heart that I was able to start breaking these walls down.

So happy belated birthday Charlie I love you with all my heart, and as we get close to Easter I am thankful to you Lord for saving my life and words cannot express how much I love your Son because you died on the Cross so that my sins can be washed away and I can be with You forever.  I feel so blessed, and I hope as time goes on, I can let go of some of the pain and self criticism that I have in my heart. I know I am on my way.

Staying Present versus Checking Out

Staying Present

In the last two or three weeks I have undergone some significant changes to my daily routine.  I have started school again, and have started my internship at the Wisconsin State Fair.  I work at the Fair two nights a week from 3:30-6:30 pm.  I am also again taking two classes this semester. I have also been using my light box to help fight off the Seasonal Affectional Disorder.

I have felt my mood improve in the past week plus since I started using the light therapy again, however I still encounter the feeling of what I will call emotional claustrophobia.  It is not constant, but when I start to feel overstimulated or overwhelmed I feel like the world is closing in on me, and everyone wants a piece of me and I can’t breathe.  When this happens my defense mechanism is to emotionally “check out”.  I liken it to old TV sets.  When you would turn them off the picture would cut out and gradually recede until all you saw was a little pinprick of light at the center of the screen.  That is how I feel when I allow myself to be in this mood.  I just want to go inside of myself and totally zone out.  When I do make a conscious effort to stay in the present there is a large amount of ruminating occurring in my brain.

I am making a conscious effort to stay in the moment, because if I don’t then I will be giving those that love and care about me short shrift.  When I start to feel like this in the spring summer or fall, I can sit outside and breathe in the air, or lie in the grass and look at the sky.  True I can be outside in the winter, and I have been making myself get outside for walks and this helps, but I still feel pinned in.  Add to this feeling my new responsibilities and my anxiety has been at a level higher than at any time since we were planning for our wedding.  I have been listening to the Bible every morning while I do my light therapy; I have been trying to draw closer to Him because without His strength and love this would be a lot harder to get through.

Now amidst all of this gloom that I am writing let me not forget the positives in my life.  My lovely wife has been very patient with me, and she is endeavoring in her new art class and has already made a couple of frame worthy pieces.  I recognize the talent that she has, and I find myself encouraging her to stick with it.  She is such a loving, creative person.  Painting fits her temperament well. 

I also think that I am continuing to grow in my relationship with Jesus all though I do wonder if I have been pulling back from Him as well.  I can’t control the weather I know this, and the anger that I was feeling the last time I wrote has mostly subsided.  (This winter has taught me that I would probably not do well in the Arctic Circle where they don’t see the sun for weeks.)  I am hoping that my mom and Gordon get the house they put in an offer for in Arizona because it would give us an excuse to get out of the icebox for a week or two in future winters.  I am not sure what God is trying to teach me about right now, maybe patience, or endurance while suffering, but I do trust that it will make me stronger in the long run.

Staying Thankful

Staying Thankful

When I first became a Christian in 2011, I was very conscious of thanking God every day for everything that He has blessed me with and trying to always have that attitude of staying thankful.  I have read many profiles of people who are able to keep a humble and thankful attitude about the smaller things in life and seem not to grumble or complain about things.  I admire people like this who can find reasons to be thankful and grateful even in the most mundane aspects of life.

By now most of you who are regular or semi-regular readers of my blog know that I come from a background that was very negative.  People in my family did not often pause and reflect on what they had and how that they should be grateful for it.  We complained about things we didn’t like.  As I have said before, I was exposed to a lot of negativity growing up.  I had 30 + years to establish negative thought patterns.  Instead of focusing on what I had and being thankful for it, I focused on what I did not have.  I have read enough Scripture, listened to enough sermons, and talked to enough people to know that this is far from uncommon.  But, when I read those stories about those people who are so focused on the positive I cannot help but want to be more like them.

The impetus for writing this piece is that these past few months I have found myself complaining about the winter weather, and other things.  Instead of focusing on the thought that I am fortunate and blessed to be in a position where I have shelter, food, and people who love me I allow myself to feel “gipped” because I don’t live in a place that has nice weather in winter.  I am focusing on the negative side of this instead of seeing the positive.  I feel a mix of emotions, happy because I am now in a position to be able to see that I can control my thoughts, and disappointed because I vowed to myself that I would not allow myself to slip back into these thought patterns (and I have).  I find it somewhat distasteful how much negativity I have felt emanating from myself lately.  I “feel” more like the old Bryan and less like the man that I know God is making me into.

I have said more than once that I want to be a person who radiates and reflects warmth and love.  I want to be someone who builds other people up, and encourages them.  (All things that I did not have growing up).  I know what it feels like to live in a negative environment and how awesome and energizing it feels to be around people who radiate a positive energy.  I want to be one of these people. I look at Charlie and I see how happy she is and how in love we are, and I know that for at least one person in this world that I am encouraging and building them up.  However, when I am at work I can feel the negative energy inside me and around me and there are times it just eats me up.  This is one reason that I am glad to be leaving this place in a few months.

So I am going to make a request to all my family and friends who might read this.  If you see me being too negative or pessimistic, call me out on it.  If you see me as someone who is encouraging and building other people up, let me know.  Like anyone else who is trying to change and become the best person that I can be, I need encouragement and support to grow.  Charlie has been a great support network to me, as has my church and family.  I will be honest here, when I catch myself being negative and pessimistic, I feel guilty.  I feel that I am letting down my family, friends, Savior and others.  That is a big burden to carry around.  Intellectually I know this is not true, but none the less that thought and feeling is there.  In order to move forward and become the best person that I can be, I am going to renew my focus on surrounding myself with people, ideas and things that radiate positive energy.  Because, once and for all I want to leave the negative energy and my old self in the past where they belong.

The Need to Be Organized

The Need to Be Organized

This week is my first full week of classes.  At the beginning of last semester, I felt a sense of overwhelm and panic.  I did not know how to organize my time.  Like many people when I can plan out a schedule and establish a routine for a continuing endeavor like school work, I can then focus and concentrate on one thing at a time.  My lovely wife suggested that I organize things with a student planner, God bless her she was right (as she normally is).  Once I started writing down everything that I needed to do in a week, I was able to establish a daily and weekly work flow and rhythm.

So, I enter a new semester and I find myself having some of the same worries.  I have been through a semester in the MLIS program now, so I now have the experience and I know how to function and organize my work.  Being in an online program the daily and weekly work flow is different than being an onsite student.  The major difference is in class participation.  Online students are required to respond to discussion questions that professor’s post on message boards.  Each message board generally is “open” for discussion and responses for one week.  It is not just a matter of responding to a question and being done with it.  We are responsible for participating in the ongoing board discussion.  This can take up an hour or two a day.

I am once again feeling that anxiety that comes at the beginning of a new semester.  I am not yet in a rhythm, and have not established a weekly work flow and this is an unsettling feeling.  Each online class has a “week”.  For my 571 class Information Retrieval the class runs Monday-Sunday, for my 650 Introduction to Archives class it runs Wednesday-Tuesday.  Last semester I divided my week into two three day sections and would do all the course work for one, before I moved on to the other.  As the semester wore on and the larger assignments where do I had to change my routine to ensure I had enough time to complete term papers. 

Last semester I did very well in my classes and got A’s in both.  I look at the classes that I have this semester, and there seems to be less “busy work” each week.  One of my classes last semester in addition to the readings had 2-4 in class assignments each week plus the online discussion questions.  So even though I will probably have a lower volume of work, I still feel scared.  I don’t feel like I am in the groove yet and hope I get back in it soon. Organization and detailed planning is a great antidote to school related anxiety.

Seasonal Anger, an Opprtunity to Grow?

Normally, in the winter, I experience some symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Two years ago, I experienced some symptoms but the fairly mild weather and the opportunity to get outside negated a lot of the feeling.  Last winter, I experienced more of the symptoms more intensely. This winter however, because I was busy school I didn’t notice the symptoms that much.

This week, I got some great news that I had been selected for an internship that I applied for.  I was and still am overjoyed.  However, as this week has gone on, I have felt an increasing amount of anger and frustration.  I was confused I would be feeling these emotions after receiving this news and realizing that I would be able to quit my job in May.  (I have been looking at getting into a different career for at least the past 4-5 years).  I thought that I had been dealing well with the Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It turns out that increased anger and irritability can be symptoms of SAD as well.  In the past I had experienced the lack of energy and eating more “comfort “food.  But I had not experienced the anger and irritability. The anger comes from a feeling that I am being cheated out of better weather or as we would say growing up “gipped” or “screwed” in today’s parlance.

So what am I angry about, or what thoughts run through my mind before I feel this way?  I feel trapped.  Trapped indoors, or trapped in a wall of snow and ice.  I know that I have no control over the weather so why get so “worked up” about it, right?  This whole process of deep Arctic cold and numerous snowfalls seems endless to me.  At least another two months.  I think of being able to step out onto my porch, on a warm sun splashed afternoon with a warm light breeze, close my eyes and enjoy the feel of the suns warmth on my face.  The fact that we are so far from that right now, I just feel discouraged. 

Now in a sense of disclosure last year I used a light therapy box a lot, and this winter I have not.  This morning I started to use one again.  This is irrational to me.  Why waste this kind of emotional energy on something I have no control over.  This leads to an increase in my anxiety level.  I have so many awesome things happening in my life right now.  I am falling more in love with my wife every day, I just got the internship and school is starting again (which is a good thing as far as I am concerned).  Yet I am focused a lot of time on this anger and frustration.  For short periods of time I can overcome these feelings by exercising vigorously, or spend time with my wife and family but I have not been able to turn this feeling off.

 Maybe as school gets ramped up and I have to focus more mental energy on that I won’t be noticing this as much.  I want to be able to hold onto the joy and happiness around me and let go of this anger and frustration I feel over something I can’t control.  This thought pattern is classic “old Bryan.”  Get worked up about something I have no control over and complain about it.  Man, I am really trying to not repeat this pattern, but I have been unsuccessful thus far.  Well, I guess the thing to do is keep praying for God to change my heart, and take it one day at a time.  The snow will eventually melt, right?

Trusting in Love

There is another area of my life where I am struggling with trust, my personal life. I grew up in a family where we followed along with what my dad wanted to do.  There were times where I wanted to do something else, but I was told not to “rock the boat”.  Growing up in this kind of an environment where family life revolved around the wants and desires of one parent left me feeling minimized and insignificant, that what I wanted was not important.

            As I got older, I decided that I would not let other people make me feel this way, if other people would not validate me, I would find a way to do it myself.  Therefore, I developed an inflexible and defensive side to my personality. I decided that I would do what I wanted to do, and to hell with what others thought or wanted. I ended up going very far in this direction and developed a my way or the highway mentality.  I allowed myself to have tunnel vision and became so inflexible and defensive that I did not let people in, and lived in a “bubble.”

            At this point in my life, I was an independent person and could do what I wanted, when I wanted to. However, I also had built up an emotional wall around myself and was cut off from the world around me.  I equated subjugating my own wants and needs for others as a weakness that meant I did not matter.  In the past when I had been told to sacrifice what I wanted to do for another, it was out of the selfishness of that person.  Therefore, in my mind, I equated sacrifice and doing for others as being equal to not mattering to the person I was making the sacrifice for.  On the outside, I felt like I was in control of my life and fought hard for it, but on the inside, I was lonely, and miserable.

           

In the summer of 2011, I found Christ and met the woman who would become my wife.  They both changed my life for the better.  I vowed to trust more, and to put myself out there, and to put other people’s needs before my own.  The past few months have really put this plan to the test.  I have been questioning the motives of people around me.  Do they care about me?  Do they have my best interests at heart?  I have allowed the demons of my past to affect me in the present.  I am reliving thought patterns and behaviors that I have engaged in since my mid teens and I want to throw these off like an old garment.

I want to be able to break out of these patterns of negative thinking, insecurity and lack of trust.  I want to view sacrificial living and loving not as a weakness, but as strength.  I can still be my own person and live my life but also give of myself to my loved ones and those that are less fortunate then I am.  I want to be able to trust in the love that Christ has for me, the love that my wife and I have for each other, and leave the ruminating thoughts in the past with my memories.

Letting Go

Right now, I find that in two areas of my life, I have really struggled with letting go of my own self-centered thoughts and being centered in the present.  The first area of my life that I am struggling with letting go is my relationship with Christ.  Last month, I applied for an internship at the UW-Milwaukee library.  I built up my hopes that I would get this part time job and be able to leave the career that I have been in for 11 years behind.  I was ready to move on. 

I felt disappointed, frustrated and betrayed. According to my timetable this was it, let’s go!  But it was not in God’s timetable. I felt upset with God.  He knows how I feel about my job.  Why was He leaving me stuck here?  So I decided that I was going to dig in my heels and do things my way, I’d show Him! I did not even stop to think that my timetable and God’s were different; it did not occur to me that I should just trust that this is where he wants me to be at this exact moment.

In the past week, I have begun to read The Purpose Driven Life by Pastor Rick Warren.  As I started to work through the chapters in the book, I realized that I had lost my perspective.  I was focusing too much on myself and missing the bigger picture.  I was fighting God, wasting a lot of time and energy in the process. So I made a decision, I am going to trust God and stop fighting Him.  If he wants me to be where I am right now, then I am going to accept that fact and try my hardest.  I want to glorify His name.  I am going to trust that Jesus loves me and knows what is best for me.  This will not be easy for me to do on a daily basis, but I am done fighting.  God will do what is in His will when he is ready.

I will be entering my second semester in the LIS program at UW-Milwaukee.  I went back to school, because I am training for a career that is more compatible with my talents and temperament, then the one I have now.  There is no guarantee that I will land a job in this new field, but I have faith that God has guided me to this path for a reason.  If it is His will, this will happen on His timeline, not mine.  I have to surrender this part of my life to Christ, let him take control and be a part of my professional life every day.

There is a part of me that wants to continue to resist and want things on my timetable, which is a mistake that many people and Christians make.  In our arrogance we think that we know better than God what is right for us. In the process, forgetting or not caring how much he loves and wants the best for us.  Most of my life I have seen surrendering or letting go of control of something as a weakness. However, there is a passage in Pastor Warren’s book, where he talks about letting go as strength not a weakness.  Letting go and trusting someone else’s love be it Jesus or my wife for example show’s how strong a person is, not how weak.  Any person can be stubborn and try to live life their way; Jesus modeled the ultimate strength when he sacrificed his own life, for the whole of humanity.  Christ through his example showed that sacrificial living is not something for the weak minded, but the strong hearted.

               

Turning negatives into positives

I found out two weeks ago that I did not get an internship that I had applied for with the UW-Milwaukee library.  I invested a lot of time and energy into applying for the position. I really got my hopes up that I would get the position.  When I found out that I did not get the job, my first reaction was very mild.  I reasoned that I did not have the experience that they were looking for.  Looking at it in a positive way, I gained some valuable experience in how to put together a resume from scratch.

Within a few days, however I felt melancholy.  Was it the setting in of winter?  The holiday season, nope it was that I had not gotten the internship.  Specifically, that I would not be able to leave my current job that I have held for 11 + years and begin a new chapter in my life.  I started to allow myself to think that I was “stuck.”  Instead of choosing to view this as a temporary setback, and try to seek new ways to challenge myself in my current position, I felt angry, and impatient.

Over the weekend, I found myself taking stock of where I am emotionally.  I realized that I have allowed myself to drift to far in the negative/pessitimisitc direction.  With that negative feeling, is also a feeling of powerlessness.  That is not an emotionally healthy place for me to be.  Therefore, I started reading one of the books that I had gotten for Christmas called Positive Dog.  I can feed the negative “dog” inside of myself or the “positive” one.  Well, for the past few weeks the negative one has gotten way to fat. 

I personally struggle with feeding myself positive stuff on a regular basis.  I will get something here or there, like a book or poem, or Scripture verse.  I have to remember what started me out on this new life journey that I started in 2011 two things; one I am in control of my thoughts and emotions, and two that I am a new person in Christ.  Every day is a new beginning if only I chose to view it that way.

So now, the challenge is for me to “stay” up.  Part of that is listing all the good things in my life right now: my relationship with Jesus, my marriage to an awesome woman who is helping me to become the best person that I am, a supportive family, a steady job that provides a livable wage, a great congregation to belong to, my wife’s growing faith, the Packers making the play offs, enjoying, thriving and succeeding in school, maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle, being more conscious of what I am doing and why I do things, and reaching the realization that I am ready for the next challenge in my professional life.

The items that I could choose to view as negative, it being winter, still being at my current job, and not feeling intellectually stimulated I can view as good things if I chose to see them that way.  The feeling that I am ready to move on can serve as motivation to look harder for a new opportunity and it being winter I can use as an extra motivator to exercise and stay in shape.

Negativity Creeping Back In

Last month I had applied for an internship in the UW-Milwaukee Library in the Reference Department.  I found out last week that I not only did not get the internship, I did not even get an interview.  I felt disappointed, and a bit upset.  After I applied for the internship, I found myself looking forward to being able to embark upon a new career path.  One where I would discontinue at my current job and move into the exciting library field.  Well, things did not quiet work out that way.  Most of the disappointment that I feel was not from not getting the internship, but that I was still “stuck” in the same place that I have been for eleven years.

As I came to this realization, I also became more conscious that my attitude about my current job had become negative again.  This is of course something that I can be in full control of.  I know that I am blessed to be employed in a stable (as far as I know) job that pays enough to help us sustain our lifestyle.  Nevertheless, I have allowed my old negative view that I have of myself in this position surface again.  I have found one thing that tends to uplift me and improve my view of myself at work.  Reading uplifting Christian books that reminds me who I serve and why.  I am not here for myself, but to serve the living God and to glorify His name.   Even when I am doing a mundane or what I consider boring task, I am helping someone (one of God’s children) and in doing this with a good attitude, I am glorifying His name and spreading his kingdom. 

Therefore, I have gotten away from some of these books and as my stepfather says garbage in, garbage out.  All around me at work and in society, I hear many negative messages.  God, my family and friends act as the counterbalance to that.  If I do not a situation in my life, then there either are two things I can do do something about it, or accept it. Obviously, I am going back to school so I can get the education that I need to get a job in the library field.  My motivation to look for part time jobs right now is that if I find one and get a foothold this can only be a positive in the long run.

Being back in school, I feel like a part of myself has been reborn.  A long dormant part of me, the scholar.  The scholar/student in me loves to learn, and loves to be challenged intellectually.  I got that in spades my first semester back in graduate school and there was an emotional fulfillment I feel that is awesome.  My negative attitude about my job comes from the view that I hold of myself in it.  That is I look down on myself for being in a job that requires very little intellectual effort to do.  Then I am devaluating the positive aspects that this job has provided me.  Namely the experience and knowledge that I have gained working with different types of people.  I know that God can use me where I am “bloom where you are planted.”  In order to help to do that my resolution in the New Year is to work even harder to become a more positive and emotionally healthy person.  However, I will say this, in 2013, I learned to love and care about the person that I have become.

It's Been Awhile

It has been a while since I last posted a blog entry.  A bit of an update, I finished my first semester of graduate school.  I am certain I got an A in one class and pretty sure that I got an A in my other class to (still waiting on grades for final project).  Therefore, I find myself, in a bit of a lull here before the holiday season starts next week.  I allowed myself to be stressed out during the semester but I also found myself enjoying being challenged on an academic level.  I had not realized how much I missed being challenged like that.  Now I have something to work towards a concrete and solid goal.

I know that my lovely wife will welcome the break.  I am sure she grew tired of me talking about school so much of the time.  Therefore, I am going to try to find a project or project (s) to keep me out of trouble this next month. This past semester I took a course called Foundations of Library and Information Science, and The Organization of Information.  Next semester I am taking Introduction to Archives and Information Retrieval.  The second is one of the four core courses that all students in the MLIS program at UWM have to take.  The course in archives is the intro class in that field.  I am strongly considering a career in archives.  However, I am also keeping my mind open also for public and academic libraries.

I really enjoyed my Foundations class.  A lot of that was the professor I had Dr.Latham.  She uses the Socratic Method in her teaching.  Asking questions and then prodding us to look deeper for answers.  She also designed the writing assignments in the course to help us learn how to write at the graduate level.  Part of these assignments was turning in formal outlines.  The first time I did an outline I found it difficult to do.  Nevertheless, the second time through was much easier.  I found it much easier to actually write the paper, because in the process of doing my research and writing the outline the hardest work for the paper had been done.  Overall, Dr.Latham challenged us to become better thinkers and better writers, because, she wants to see us succeed in the program.  I find that what keeps me engaged and getting bored is that I need to be challenged intellectually or personally by something or someone.  This is one reason my wife Charlie and I are so good for each other.  She challenges me to be a better person then I am.  She keeps me on my toes, so I don’t get bored : ).  She recognizes this in me, and since she loves me and wants the best for me, she challenges me to be the best person that I can be.  I thank her for loving me enough to kick me in the butt and keep me moving : )

A Fine Line

As you all know, I am back in graduate school.  I am finding that I love the challenge of hard work and learning.  However, it can also be stressful.  When I feel stressed out, I sometimes find myself reverting to old behaviors.  One of the big ones is that I tend to pull back from people when I am really stressed out.  When I do this, I find that I get down on myself.  Before I met Charlie and found Christ, I pushed people away.  I stayed in my own little box where I felt “safe”.  Problem was I also felt very lonely.

This can be a fine line for me.  I find that with the addition of at least 2-3 hours of schoolwork a day that I find myself needing more “Bryan time” then I used to.  I know that it is healthy to need some time to yourself.  However, with my penchant for “running and hiding” I have to watch it.  Recently I found that I was a little more emotionally distant then I would care to be.  I felt guilty about this.  Growing up I had someone in my life that would hold us at arm’s length emotionally.  Currently I find myself doing this.  Now, I am not totally emotionally absent, but I have pulled back and it was noticed. I feel bad about this.  I know that I am not perfect but I felt somewhat selfish for behaving like this.

So now, I am in a position where on the one hand I want to pull people closer but at the same time wanting some time to myself that in all honesty I have not been getting enough of.  So this tension continues inside me even as I move on and continue to work hard on my schoolwork.  I am proud of my efforts as I am getting A’s in both my classes at the current time.   I do not want to be an “emotionally absent” spouse, friend, son, or co-worker.  Nevertheless, I think I have been to some degree.  I want to be the person that God wants me to become and not the old me.  I am struggling with this right now, but I know I will get through it.

Overload, Overworked, Over Stressed Time for a Break

I have enjoyed my new academic journey so far, but right now, I have hit a wall, and the hardest part of the semester still lie in the future.  I am a person that learns material best by not just reading, but also taking detailed notes.  The downside of this is that it takes a long time to do for textbook chapters.  I find myself wanting to rush through sometimes and finish so I can get all of my work done.  I would like to take a break (a day or two) but if I do this then I will start to fall behind and become even more stressed out.  Therefore, I face a bit of a dilemma what to do in this situation.  That having been said, I love the intellectual challenge and rigor of graduate school.  I am just feeling burnout about 4-5 weeks sooner then I would like. 

I also have a goal of being an A student in school.  I also have a long history of being a perfectionist (those of you who know me please don’t roll your eyes to much), and instead of enjoying my good grades so far I am allowing myself to worry about not losing to many points etc.  I need to stop this destructive thought pattern on my own with “you are doing a great job”. If the semester ended today I would have an A in one class and an A/A- in the other, I just want to keep those grades up.  Therefore, I need to work my hardest but then be able to let go.  People such as my wife, my mom and my stepdad and my therapist have been telling me this for a long time.  I am not quite there yet with the letting go, but I have made progress on the replacing a negative thought with a positive thought.  That is awesome!

Now I need to ask myself, how can I help my stress level without allowing it to negatively affect my long-term goals?  Back in the old days when I would feel stressed out, I would isolate myself from people and hide in my apartment.  Well, I am not going to go to that extreme seeing as Charlie might miss me ; ) .  However, I can take an evening for myself where I exercise, relax, and do something mindless.  That is what my body and brain are screaming for.  This would obviously be easier to do if I was a full time student.  I also work 40 hours a week and I am dealing with people all day there as well.  (Being an introvert in a situation like this is a challenge).  Therefore, I need to take this me time in small chunks and make it work.  I am so blessed to have a wife who is an introvert as well and who understands what I am going through.  I am truly blessed.

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 5

1. Ohio State 5-0, (1-0) LW (1)
2. Northwestern 4-0 (2)
3. Michigan 4-0 (4)
4. Wisconsin 3-2 (3)
5. Michigan St. 3-1 (5)
6. Penn.St 3-1 (6)
7. Iowa 4-1, (1-0) (9)
8. Nebraska 3-1 (8)
9. Minnesota 4-1, (0-1) (7)
10. Illinois 3-1 (10)
11. Indiana 3-1 (11)
12. Purdue (1-4) 12

In Harmony

I have noticed something since I have started school.  I find myself feeling more in harmony with life.  As I am reading and writing and studying, I find myself connecting concepts and ideas together and thinking critically.  This has been a skill that I haven’t had to use in my life in over a decade, and man have I missed it.  I find it easier then some of my fellow students to think of class material in new and different ways and maybe see things from a point of view that others don’t.  For instance with my educational background in history and political science, I have been able to look at some of the issues and problems in LIS (Library and Information Studies for the civilians who read this blog) from a historical or political point of view.

We just read an article in one of my classes dealing with a lack of access to libraries for African Americans in the South in the 1920’s.  Well other people were connecting this to some of the concepts that we had learned generally in class, I was able to tie this in with the Plessy V Ferguson 1896 Supreme Court Decision and the whole concept of separate but equal, and how this set the tone of the Jim Crow era South and legalized segregation. As I was writing about this I was feeling a joy.  A joy of learning and a joy of applying previously learned knowledge to my current studies.

 I am not writing this to boast, I am no better or worse then anyone else.   I am writing this because I finally feel like I am in harmony with a major gift that God has blessed me with.  He has blessed me with a brain and the ability to think critically and connect ideas together.  I am studying now so that I can embark on a career where I utilize my God given gifts.  I also want to be careful to use my gift(s) not to glorify or puff up my own ego or career, but to glorify Him.  I want to be able to use my intellect to serve and make a difference for the better for others.  I want to do this to show the Lord how much I love him, and have joy in serving him.

In the job that I am in now, I am able to use my empathy to help people.  But I often feel “out of harmony” or out of sync.  While I am here I want to help others and make a difference, but it doesn’t feel the same.  I am out of my element in my current job, but that doesn’t mean that I use that as an excuse to shirk my responsibilities and not to do my best.  It is just more of a challenge at times to find my work fulfilling personally.  With school this isn’t much of a challenge, I love what I am doing, and knowing why I am doing it.  To better my life, but also to be able to someday have an impact and be able to reach out to other people and serve them while using my God given talents and gifts. That is living in harmony.

13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work²⁷⁰ and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ 23 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? 27 Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! 28 Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. 29 For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30 And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’” (Matthew 25: 13-30). (Parable of the Talents.)

Big Ten Week 4 Power Rankings

Big Ten Week 4 Power Rankings

1. Ohio St. (4-0)  (1)

2. Northwestern (4-0) (2)

3. Wisconsin (3-1) (3)

4. Michigan (4-0)  (5)

5. Michigan St. (3-1) (4)

6. Penn.St (3-1) (7)

7. Minnesota (4-0) (8)

8. Nebraska (3-1) (6)

9. Iowa (3-1) (10)

10. Illinois (2-1) (11)

11. Indiana (2-2) (9)

12. Purdue 1-3 (12)

Big Ten Week 4 Predictions

Nebraska 49, South Dakota St. 14

Michigan 34, Connecticut 18

Wisconsin 45, Purdue 20

Minnesota 38, San Jose State 34

Ohio State 52, Florida A&M 10

Penn State 35, Kent State 14

Northwestern 45, Maine 17

Indiana 37, Missouri 31

Upset Special:

Michigan State 21, Notre Dame 14

Keeping My Faith Strong

   I have found it to be quite a challenge to balance, school, my marriage, and my faith.  Every since I finished my Disciple Bible class in May I have struggled to find a routine with my Bible study.  Lately, I have done my Bible reading and meditation sitting in my car about a half hour before work starts.  I have been listening more and more the K Love a Christian music station.

  My heart and mind never wander far from Christ.  He saved my life.  I did not do anything to earn it.  I just gave my heart and life to him.  I will admit to feeling, as I have not held up my end of the bargain though.  Part of being a believer and disciple of Christ, is to go out and spread the Gospel. “¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” (Matthew 28:19).  I have been so focused on the daily minutiae of schoolwork that I will admit I have lost sight of this calling from time to time.  I am not out there “saving souls”.  At least I do not think I am. 
   What I do is live my life and try to reflect God’s love in my actions every day.  I try (but often fail) to thank him for the blessings in my life.  I sometimes remember to pray before a meal, but often I do not.  I do make a conscious effort though to glorify Him in my actions.  My work ethic is miles better then what it used to be, but I still have a ways to go with that.
   In my marriage, I love my wife Charlie with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  The same way that I love Jesus.  I wish I had more time to be involved in church activities and ministries.  With school, however I do not have time.  When I am doing school work I try as hard as I can, not just because I enjoy the challenge and want to get the best grades I can, (yeah I am competitive), but because I want to glorify God’s name as a way for leading me to this opportunity to further my education. “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31).
I love Christ with all my heart, soul mind and strength; I just want my life and actions to reflect that fact.

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 3

                                  Last Week

1. Ohio State (3-0)     (2)

2. Northwestern (3-0) (3)

3. Wisconsin (2-1)      (4)

4. Michigan St (3-0)    (7)

5. Michigan (3-0)        (1)

6. Nebraska (2-1)        (5)

7. Penn State (2-1)      (6)

8. Minnesota (3-0)      (T-8)

9. Illinois (2-1)            (T-8)

10. Indiana (2-1)          (10)

11. Iowa (2-1)              (11)

12. Purdue (1-2)           (12)

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 2

1. Michigan (2-0)  LW: T-1

2. Ohio State (2-0) LW: T-1

3. Northwestern (2-0) LW: 4

4. Wisconsin (2-0) LW: 3

5. Nebraska (2-0)  LW: 5

6. Penn State (2-0) LW: 7

7. Michigan State (2-0) LW: 6

8. Minnesota (2-0) LW: 8

8. Illinois (2-0)  LW: 10

10. Indiana (1-1)  LW: 9

11. Iowa (1-1)  LW: 11

12. Purdue (1-1)  LW: 12