The Rebellious Teenager

It has been over two months since I have written on a serious topic, but this is the calm before the storm so to speak.  In the last month of the semester I will have two 10-15 page papers due and a final exam. Therefore, tonight I want to write about something that has been on my mind quite a bit.

When I was growing up, I lived in a house where I was told what to do, and if I complained or even asked "why", I was told to go with the flow.  I grew up feeling that my wants and needs were minimized.  I felt irrelevant.  I felt that I had no control over my life or what I could do.  This was from the time I was old enough to test my boundaries till I was about 17.  This lack of control that I felt, and the feeling that I was irrelevant and unimportant came from one source in our family, my father.  We always did what he wanted to do.  At that point, he was a very controlling person.  I felt that I never got the chance to establish my own independence and identity as an individual that so many emotionally healthy kids and teenagers did.  I am sure that I acted out and rebelled against my dad in quiet and passive aggressive ways, but not openly. I associated doing something that I did not want to do with a feeling of not being cared about.

When my parents separated and my dad moved out, I allowed this behavior to be more in the open.  Whenever someone would ask me to do something that I did not want to do, I would either not do it, or do a half-a$$ed job of it.  In my mind the message was "this person does not care about me, if they did they would not be asking me to do something that I don't want to do." This would trigger anger or hurt and I would "rebel" by either not doing it, or rushing through it.

As I got older and moved out on my own, my subconscious thought "a ha we are on our own now, and we can do what we want, when we want." So I developed my "shell" of comfort and routine, I grew stubborn and did things the way I wanted to do them, when I wanted to do them, that was how I established my independence.  When someone wanted me to do something a different or better way, I would dig in my heels because I felt like they were trying to boss me around or tell me what to do.  My inner child would act up and say "this person doesn't care about what you want, they are just out for themselves, so screw them, do what you want because after all of these years of his shit, you've earned the right to do it your way." I went on through my late teens, twenties and early to mid thirty's not even being conscious of why I behaved this way.  Internally, I was trying to build my identity as an adult, and assert my independence.  I thought, if a person respects me and loves me, they will let me do what I want, the way I want to do it.  Any attempt to suggest a better way to do something, or ask for help was taken by me as either criticism or an attempt to control me.  I associated openness to change as weakness, and just an excuse people used to try and interfere with my existence as an autonomous being.  If they care about me, they will respect me and leave me be.

So, how does this manifest itself in my life today?  As an example, let's say Charlie asks me to clean out the litter box and to better organize the file we keep our bills in.  Internally, I feel annoyed and a bit hurt the rebellious teenager is thinking "she is asking you to do stuff that you do not want to do, does she really care about you?"  So instead of saying no, I think "this is stupid I don't want to do this so I will just rush through it and do a half ass job of it, that will show her for asking me to do something I don't want to do."  I am acting like a bratty, rebellious teenager.  On a rational level I know that we are a team and partnership and that she has every right to ask me to do these things.  She is also someone who knows that I can do things well even if I don't like doing them.  So instead of doing what my mom would do which is to throw her hands up in the air and say "okay you did a crappy job of that I guess I will have to do it next time", Charlie who wants me to be the best person I can be doesn't let me get away with that. It may irritate the crap out of me sometime but God bless her for that.

I can sit back now and reflect more on this behavior being more aware of it.  Every time I do something "my way" my emotionally rebellious teenager feels like he is sticking it to my dad saying " hey buddy you think my wants and needs are irrelevant or not important? Screw you I will do this my way."  Internally I am acting out against my father.  That anger and hurt that I feel isn't directed at whoever is asking me to do a task I find distasteful but is misdirected hurt and anger that I never confronted my dad about. So instead of hurting him when I act out, I am just hurting myself and annoying those that love me.  My two defense mechanisms from my childhood, the rebellious teenager, and my cocoon and emotional wall that I built up around myself, I used sarcasm, and negativity to keep people away from me, because I was hurting so much inside.  It was not until I took Jesus as my savior and let Charlene Grommesh into my heart that I was able to start breaking these walls down.

So happy belated birthday Charlie I love you with all my heart, and as we get close to Easter I am thankful to you Lord for saving my life and words cannot express how much I love your Son because you died on the Cross so that my sins can be washed away and I can be with You forever.  I feel so blessed, and I hope as time goes on, I can let go of some of the pain and self criticism that I have in my heart. I know I am on my way.

Staying Thankful

Staying Thankful

When I first became a Christian in 2011, I was very conscious of thanking God every day for everything that He has blessed me with and trying to always have that attitude of staying thankful.  I have read many profiles of people who are able to keep a humble and thankful attitude about the smaller things in life and seem not to grumble or complain about things.  I admire people like this who can find reasons to be thankful and grateful even in the most mundane aspects of life.

By now most of you who are regular or semi-regular readers of my blog know that I come from a background that was very negative.  People in my family did not often pause and reflect on what they had and how that they should be grateful for it.  We complained about things we didn’t like.  As I have said before, I was exposed to a lot of negativity growing up.  I had 30 + years to establish negative thought patterns.  Instead of focusing on what I had and being thankful for it, I focused on what I did not have.  I have read enough Scripture, listened to enough sermons, and talked to enough people to know that this is far from uncommon.  But, when I read those stories about those people who are so focused on the positive I cannot help but want to be more like them.

The impetus for writing this piece is that these past few months I have found myself complaining about the winter weather, and other things.  Instead of focusing on the thought that I am fortunate and blessed to be in a position where I have shelter, food, and people who love me I allow myself to feel “gipped” because I don’t live in a place that has nice weather in winter.  I am focusing on the negative side of this instead of seeing the positive.  I feel a mix of emotions, happy because I am now in a position to be able to see that I can control my thoughts, and disappointed because I vowed to myself that I would not allow myself to slip back into these thought patterns (and I have).  I find it somewhat distasteful how much negativity I have felt emanating from myself lately.  I “feel” more like the old Bryan and less like the man that I know God is making me into.

I have said more than once that I want to be a person who radiates and reflects warmth and love.  I want to be someone who builds other people up, and encourages them.  (All things that I did not have growing up).  I know what it feels like to live in a negative environment and how awesome and energizing it feels to be around people who radiate a positive energy.  I want to be one of these people. I look at Charlie and I see how happy she is and how in love we are, and I know that for at least one person in this world that I am encouraging and building them up.  However, when I am at work I can feel the negative energy inside me and around me and there are times it just eats me up.  This is one reason that I am glad to be leaving this place in a few months.

So I am going to make a request to all my family and friends who might read this.  If you see me being too negative or pessimistic, call me out on it.  If you see me as someone who is encouraging and building other people up, let me know.  Like anyone else who is trying to change and become the best person that I can be, I need encouragement and support to grow.  Charlie has been a great support network to me, as has my church and family.  I will be honest here, when I catch myself being negative and pessimistic, I feel guilty.  I feel that I am letting down my family, friends, Savior and others.  That is a big burden to carry around.  Intellectually I know this is not true, but none the less that thought and feeling is there.  In order to move forward and become the best person that I can be, I am going to renew my focus on surrounding myself with people, ideas and things that radiate positive energy.  Because, once and for all I want to leave the negative energy and my old self in the past where they belong.

Assertiveness: Walking into the wind

Charlie and I have been talking the last couple of days about me becoming more assertive or vocal about things.  By nature I am a somewhat passive person.  Charlie jokes that she likes getting her way a lot (what girl wouldn't : )  . For the long term health of our marriage, when I disagree with something that she wants us to do or a decision that we have to make that I might need to say "no", or at least ask questions.

I know that there have been instances in the past two plus years where at the time I felt a twinge of "this doesn't sit right with me." in regards to certain things.  Instead of disagreeing I ignored it because I wanted to avoid conflict.  Growing up, there was a lot of conflict in my family and I grew to hate the toll that the constant conflicts took on our family.  I vowed that when I got married I would not repeat this pattern.  Well,, I haven't, but I have gone to the other extreme.  I avoid conflict or disagreement to an extreme because from the eyes of a 7 year old child I see the toll that this can take on a family.

With Charlie's help however I have come to see that I need to find a happy medium for the long term health and strength of our marriage.Hebrews 12:15
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (TNIV).  This verse from Hebrews talks about no "bitter root" grows up or gets in the way of a relationship.  For some this might mean disagreeing less.  For me it means not disagreeing just to do it, but to voice concerns I have about decisions and issues that Charlie and I face together.  So to find the happy medium.  Not to disagree just to be on a power trip and not to be to meek as to avoid conflict.  I pray that the Lord will help and guide me in this endeavor so that our marriage will be that much stronger.

We vs Me

    One of the things that no one tells you before you get married is that you will still have a desire to do your own thing.  Just because you are now legally and in God's eyes an equal partnership does not mean that you automatically slip into the "we" mindset.  I find that this is something that I still struggle with.  I come home from work and have in my mind a list of things that I would like to accomplish.  However, I realize that there are things that Charlie would like for us to do.  Because I am married should the "me" things just disappear?

    I think that the answer is no, but I can not be certain of this. I will admit to feeling guilty sometimes for still having my own agenda in my mind.  Isn't part of a good marriage putting the other person first and sacrificing for them?  Why can't I just let go of all these things that I want to do and just focus on her and us?  Maybe that isn't realisitc.  Here is an example of what I am talking about: I come home from work and want to go for a walk, Charlie is already home and wants to go shopping.  We generally shop together.  So do I say no thanks I want to get my walk in, or say sure honey let's go, I can walk later.  I don't necessairly think that there is only one answer.  Most of the time I will put off my walk until later and go shopping.  However when we get back from shopping I feel rushed, because then I want to get the walk in before bedtime.

    Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I love my wife, and how I would do anything for her.  At the same time even though we are now a partnership both legally and spiritually we are also still both individuals.  Individuals who have differing ideas on some things and different ways of doing things.  So the key is to adjust to this and communicate and compromise.     My way of doing this would be to try and have a daily schedule and plan things out, her approach is more organic and rooted in the day to day.  She has gotten me to approach certain things more in this manner.  I am guessing that I have also affected her and that she plans certain things out now.  So we rub off on each other.  She knows how improtant getting my daily walk in is to me.  I know that it is important to her that we do our shopping together.  The shopping is important to me as well because it is important to her.

   So, even though we are now more then 7 months into the marriage and have lived together for over a year now there is still adjusting going on.  I can have a routine.  But there needs to be enough flexibility built in so that we can still do the spur of the moment things that my lovely wife likes to do day to day.  I struggle with this.  Just because I still have things that I want to do doesn't make me selfish or a bad husband, it just means that even though I am married, I am still an individual.  Just like Charlie is still an individual.  I lived on my own for 11 years, we have lived together for less then two, so I continue to adjust, grow and learn.  I just want us to grow together through this experience and not apart.  I have seen first hand what can happen to a marriage when one person puts their own agenda and happiness above that of their spouse.  I am activley avoiding that scenario in our marriage.  This is what is on my mind right now.  Thanks for reading

Bryan Ericson

Supportive Spouse

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over seven months now.  I am happy and pleasently suprised at how I have adjusted to married life.  Before I met Charlie I had lived by myself for about eleven years.  One of the things that I had worried about was how would I adjust to living with someone else full time.  Well, obviously there are challenges and adjustements that have occurred and will continue to occurr in the coming days, months and years, but I think that I have adjusted well to married life.

I feel that one of the keys to a healthy marriage is to support your spouse when they are having a hard time with something.  This is one of the areas of our marriage where I think that I have been strong in.  However reality can sometimes help us see that their is room for growth.  For the past almost two months Charlie has endevored to change to a healthier eating lifestyle.  She has been very successful at this.  I try to encourage and exhort her in this endevor.  However, my own issues with diet and body image have sometimes caused a challenge.

I have been through the wars of weight flucuation, food guilt, and body image.  I see Charlie struggle with some of these same things and I want to help.  I have strong opinions and obervations based on my experiences.  More then once however I have caught myself "lecturing" her on how to do something.  She will gently rebuke me for this and keep me in check.  You see what bothers me about this isn't that she rebukes me, but that this was done to me in my child hood.  There was a lot of lecturing and finger wagging and when I catch myself doing that I shudder because I don't want to be that type of parent or spouse.  But thank the Lord I have a wife who helps me to be concious of this.

There has also been more then one time when she has shared with me her struggle with the diet and exercise routine, and instead of sharing in that struggle with her I have been locked in my own head dealing with my own feelings of insecurity and negativity with weight and diet.  I know people might look at me and say but your skinny now so why do you still have these thoughts?  Because mentally I am at many points still an overweight (245 pound) kid in a skinny person's body.  I may not look it, but inside I still feel it.  So, when Charlie is sharing with me her struggles I end up not wanting to talk about this subject and avoid it one because it is generally taboo for a husband to discuss his wife's weight and two I want to avoid my own issues with this what is for me an unpleasent topic.

However, my wife needs me to be emotionally present when she is struggiling with this.  I want to let her know that I have her back and am behind her 100%.  So when I see her hurting or struggiling with this challenge I am now concious of my own stuff and am able to more easily set it aside and be there and present for her.  So while in the short term I may be struggiling with being the supportive spouse in this area the struggle has led me to be more sensative and aware to what she is going through emotionally and more aware of where my own deficincies are here and that I still need to cope with them.  I thank God that I am married tosomeone who allows me room to grow, and gives me a second or third chance to get some of these things right.  I love my wife, she's kind of awesome.  I am so proud of the changes that she has made in her life and leading a healthier lifestyle because she wants to be there with me 40 years from now, rocking on the front porch and enjoying retired life : ).