One of the things that no one tells you before you get married is that you will still have a desire to do your own thing. Just because you are now legally and in God's eyes an equal partnership does not mean that you automatically slip into the "we" mindset. I find that this is something that I still struggle with. I come home from work and have in my mind a list of things that I would like to accomplish. However, I realize that there are things that Charlie would like for us to do. Because I am married should the "me" things just disappear?
I think that the answer is no, but I can not be certain of this. I will admit to feeling guilty sometimes for still having my own agenda in my mind. Isn't part of a good marriage putting the other person first and sacrificing for them? Why can't I just let go of all these things that I want to do and just focus on her and us? Maybe that isn't realisitc. Here is an example of what I am talking about: I come home from work and want to go for a walk, Charlie is already home and wants to go shopping. We generally shop together. So do I say no thanks I want to get my walk in, or say sure honey let's go, I can walk later. I don't necessairly think that there is only one answer. Most of the time I will put off my walk until later and go shopping. However when we get back from shopping I feel rushed, because then I want to get the walk in before bedtime.
Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I love my wife, and how I would do anything for her. At the same time even though we are now a partnership both legally and spiritually we are also still both individuals. Individuals who have differing ideas on some things and different ways of doing things. So the key is to adjust to this and communicate and compromise. My way of doing this would be to try and have a daily schedule and plan things out, her approach is more organic and rooted in the day to day. She has gotten me to approach certain things more in this manner. I am guessing that I have also affected her and that she plans certain things out now. So we rub off on each other. She knows how improtant getting my daily walk in is to me. I know that it is important to her that we do our shopping together. The shopping is important to me as well because it is important to her.
So, even though we are now more then 7 months into the marriage and have lived together for over a year now there is still adjusting going on. I can have a routine. But there needs to be enough flexibility built in so that we can still do the spur of the moment things that my lovely wife likes to do day to day. I struggle with this. Just because I still have things that I want to do doesn't make me selfish or a bad husband, it just means that even though I am married, I am still an individual. Just like Charlie is still an individual. I lived on my own for 11 years, we have lived together for less then two, so I continue to adjust, grow and learn. I just want us to grow together through this experience and not apart. I have seen first hand what can happen to a marriage when one person puts their own agenda and happiness above that of their spouse. I am activley avoiding that scenario in our marriage. This is what is on my mind right now. Thanks for reading
Bryan Ericson
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Expressing My Faith (My testimony)
Last month I just completed a nine month long intensive Bible study class at my church. We met every Monday night, and for 2.5 hours we would go over six days worth of material. In my study of the Old and New Testaments I felt like I was getting to know who God was better. Also learning about the character of Christ.
Often I hear people talking about walking in Jesus's footsteps or immitating his life in our own. I had a very broad idea what that meant. In this last year I got a real sense for something that I was missing before, the humanity of Jesus. Yes He was fully God but he was also fully human. He came among us so He could understand our suffering in the flesh. He had already devised a plan to forgive all of our sins, by paying the ultimate sin debt once and for all. No more burnt or blood offerings were needed. Jesus as the priest of the New Covenant, died for us to pay for our sins with His blood once and for all. All we have to do to participate in His new kingdom is to accept that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died on the cross for the sins of this fallen world.
It took me years of living the "human life". I lived for myself, and was accountable to only me. But thanks to the example I had in my stepfather Gordon Sauer, about how a Christian man treats others, and that the main purpose of living is to live for Christ and to glorify Him whenever we can. My mom also was an influence here. She is the one who made me go through Sunday school and confirmation class. So when I reached the point in my life where I felt that I couldn't do things on my own anymore I had the background and knew enough about God that I knew where I had to go and what I had to do. I gave myself to God and made him the Savior of my life. I know try to live everyday for Him.
The past month or so, I have wrestled with a different question. As a Christian and a disciple I should be "witnessing" to other people. I am not one to walk up to people Bible in hand and start preaching. I rarely mention my faith at work or in public. If someone asks me I will share my story, but I don't feel that I am called to get up and give a fire and brimstone sermon. What I have felt a nudge that I can best glorify God by modeling and living my faith through actions. I wear a cross every day to symbolize my faith. My lovely wife made it for me and as usual of the jewlrey she makes it is awesome.
A thought hit me over the weekend. If I am going to talk about my faith with people, what I need is an opening or an opportunity. A way I can show my faith in a unique way, and pique people's curiosity without it being blatlently obvious and in your face. I think that is what turns a lot of people off about religion and how some people choose to express their faith right now, it is in your face and shoved down your throat. No one want's to be told what to believe or think. One of the most awesome things about being a Christian is that God gives us all free will and that it is our choice to seek him out. No manipulation or force. I can witness for Christ in this way. Just be there every day and living by His example. When someone comes up to me and asks me about my faith then I can share my story. Not tell them what to believe or that they will go to Hell. But to let them know how and why I met God and how he saved my life and the love and peace that he has for me. To let them know what He did in my life. A part of me is dead, I have been reborn and am a new person. I have thought of a way to symbolize this and I have asked for Charlie's help with this. I am excited about this and that I have found a way to express my faith in a way that fits my personality.
Often I hear people talking about walking in Jesus's footsteps or immitating his life in our own. I had a very broad idea what that meant. In this last year I got a real sense for something that I was missing before, the humanity of Jesus. Yes He was fully God but he was also fully human. He came among us so He could understand our suffering in the flesh. He had already devised a plan to forgive all of our sins, by paying the ultimate sin debt once and for all. No more burnt or blood offerings were needed. Jesus as the priest of the New Covenant, died for us to pay for our sins with His blood once and for all. All we have to do to participate in His new kingdom is to accept that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died on the cross for the sins of this fallen world.
It took me years of living the "human life". I lived for myself, and was accountable to only me. But thanks to the example I had in my stepfather Gordon Sauer, about how a Christian man treats others, and that the main purpose of living is to live for Christ and to glorify Him whenever we can. My mom also was an influence here. She is the one who made me go through Sunday school and confirmation class. So when I reached the point in my life where I felt that I couldn't do things on my own anymore I had the background and knew enough about God that I knew where I had to go and what I had to do. I gave myself to God and made him the Savior of my life. I know try to live everyday for Him.
The past month or so, I have wrestled with a different question. As a Christian and a disciple I should be "witnessing" to other people. I am not one to walk up to people Bible in hand and start preaching. I rarely mention my faith at work or in public. If someone asks me I will share my story, but I don't feel that I am called to get up and give a fire and brimstone sermon. What I have felt a nudge that I can best glorify God by modeling and living my faith through actions. I wear a cross every day to symbolize my faith. My lovely wife made it for me and as usual of the jewlrey she makes it is awesome.
A thought hit me over the weekend. If I am going to talk about my faith with people, what I need is an opening or an opportunity. A way I can show my faith in a unique way, and pique people's curiosity without it being blatlently obvious and in your face. I think that is what turns a lot of people off about religion and how some people choose to express their faith right now, it is in your face and shoved down your throat. No one want's to be told what to believe or think. One of the most awesome things about being a Christian is that God gives us all free will and that it is our choice to seek him out. No manipulation or force. I can witness for Christ in this way. Just be there every day and living by His example. When someone comes up to me and asks me about my faith then I can share my story. Not tell them what to believe or that they will go to Hell. But to let them know how and why I met God and how he saved my life and the love and peace that he has for me. To let them know what He did in my life. A part of me is dead, I have been reborn and am a new person. I have thought of a way to symbolize this and I have asked for Charlie's help with this. I am excited about this and that I have found a way to express my faith in a way that fits my personality.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Supportive Spouse
I have been married to the love of my life for a little over seven months now. I am happy and pleasently suprised at how I have adjusted to married life. Before I met Charlie I had lived by myself for about eleven years. One of the things that I had worried about was how would I adjust to living with someone else full time. Well, obviously there are challenges and adjustements that have occurred and will continue to occurr in the coming days, months and years, but I think that I have adjusted well to married life.
I feel that one of the keys to a healthy marriage is to support your spouse when they are having a hard time with something. This is one of the areas of our marriage where I think that I have been strong in. However reality can sometimes help us see that their is room for growth. For the past almost two months Charlie has endevored to change to a healthier eating lifestyle. She has been very successful at this. I try to encourage and exhort her in this endevor. However, my own issues with diet and body image have sometimes caused a challenge.
I have been through the wars of weight flucuation, food guilt, and body image. I see Charlie struggle with some of these same things and I want to help. I have strong opinions and obervations based on my experiences. More then once however I have caught myself "lecturing" her on how to do something. She will gently rebuke me for this and keep me in check. You see what bothers me about this isn't that she rebukes me, but that this was done to me in my child hood. There was a lot of lecturing and finger wagging and when I catch myself doing that I shudder because I don't want to be that type of parent or spouse. But thank the Lord I have a wife who helps me to be concious of this.
There has also been more then one time when she has shared with me her struggle with the diet and exercise routine, and instead of sharing in that struggle with her I have been locked in my own head dealing with my own feelings of insecurity and negativity with weight and diet. I know people might look at me and say but your skinny now so why do you still have these thoughts? Because mentally I am at many points still an overweight (245 pound) kid in a skinny person's body. I may not look it, but inside I still feel it. So, when Charlie is sharing with me her struggles I end up not wanting to talk about this subject and avoid it one because it is generally taboo for a husband to discuss his wife's weight and two I want to avoid my own issues with this what is for me an unpleasent topic.
However, my wife needs me to be emotionally present when she is struggiling with this. I want to let her know that I have her back and am behind her 100%. So when I see her hurting or struggiling with this challenge I am now concious of my own stuff and am able to more easily set it aside and be there and present for her. So while in the short term I may be struggiling with being the supportive spouse in this area the struggle has led me to be more sensative and aware to what she is going through emotionally and more aware of where my own deficincies are here and that I still need to cope with them. I thank God that I am married tosomeone who allows me room to grow, and gives me a second or third chance to get some of these things right. I love my wife, she's kind of awesome. I am so proud of the changes that she has made in her life and leading a healthier lifestyle because she wants to be there with me 40 years from now, rocking on the front porch and enjoying retired life : ).
I feel that one of the keys to a healthy marriage is to support your spouse when they are having a hard time with something. This is one of the areas of our marriage where I think that I have been strong in. However reality can sometimes help us see that their is room for growth. For the past almost two months Charlie has endevored to change to a healthier eating lifestyle. She has been very successful at this. I try to encourage and exhort her in this endevor. However, my own issues with diet and body image have sometimes caused a challenge.
I have been through the wars of weight flucuation, food guilt, and body image. I see Charlie struggle with some of these same things and I want to help. I have strong opinions and obervations based on my experiences. More then once however I have caught myself "lecturing" her on how to do something. She will gently rebuke me for this and keep me in check. You see what bothers me about this isn't that she rebukes me, but that this was done to me in my child hood. There was a lot of lecturing and finger wagging and when I catch myself doing that I shudder because I don't want to be that type of parent or spouse. But thank the Lord I have a wife who helps me to be concious of this.
There has also been more then one time when she has shared with me her struggle with the diet and exercise routine, and instead of sharing in that struggle with her I have been locked in my own head dealing with my own feelings of insecurity and negativity with weight and diet. I know people might look at me and say but your skinny now so why do you still have these thoughts? Because mentally I am at many points still an overweight (245 pound) kid in a skinny person's body. I may not look it, but inside I still feel it. So, when Charlie is sharing with me her struggles I end up not wanting to talk about this subject and avoid it one because it is generally taboo for a husband to discuss his wife's weight and two I want to avoid my own issues with this what is for me an unpleasent topic.
However, my wife needs me to be emotionally present when she is struggiling with this. I want to let her know that I have her back and am behind her 100%. So when I see her hurting or struggiling with this challenge I am now concious of my own stuff and am able to more easily set it aside and be there and present for her. So while in the short term I may be struggiling with being the supportive spouse in this area the struggle has led me to be more sensative and aware to what she is going through emotionally and more aware of where my own deficincies are here and that I still need to cope with them. I thank God that I am married tosomeone who allows me room to grow, and gives me a second or third chance to get some of these things right. I love my wife, she's kind of awesome. I am so proud of the changes that she has made in her life and leading a healthier lifestyle because she wants to be there with me 40 years from now, rocking on the front porch and enjoying retired life : ).
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Location, Location, Location
This past winter was a rough one for me mentally. A lot of dark, cold and sometimes snowy days. By the end of the winter I had quite the case of cabin fever. Those first warm, sunny spring days were like music for my skin eyes and soul. This winter for the first time in my life, I asked myself do I want to spend the rest or at least a good chunk of my life bearing these long cold Wisconsin winters? My answer is no I would rather not.
In March in the middle of this winter Charlie and I visited some of her relatives in the Dallas area. It was sunny and in the 70's and 80's while we were down there. Being able to go for a walk in shorts in March was a special treat for me. This furthered my thought process. What would it be like to live here? Now to be fair we spent 4 days in Dallas and there is no way based off of that to know. There are so many factors that go into where to live. Presence of friends and relatives, avaliabilty of jobs, quality of schools, weather, just to name a few. I do know ideally I would like to live somewhere warmer and sunnier. I am just not sure how realistic this is.
So to be fair, their are pros and cons to any place a person lives. Yes Dallas is nice during the winter compared to here 50's 60's 70's and 80's, but as we saw this past week they can also get violent and tornadic thunderstorms on a much more frequent basis then here in Wisconsin. It can also be brutally hot in the summer. Last year they had a streak of over 40 consecutive days over 100 degrees. None of this is to mention jobs and schools etc.
Milwaukee. There are many things that I love about living here. Milwaukee in the summer is quite simply a gorgeous place to be. The fairs, festivals, bright warm sun, green trees and grass, and of course the Brewers. There is quite simply no other place that I would rather be in the summer and early fall. At the same time I am suseptable to Seasonal Afectional Disorder. I have a natural light that helps me get Vitamin D in the winter, this helps with sadness but not the boxed in feeling. As much as I love being here in the midwest in the Summer, I can think of many places that I would rather be in the winter.
California has a lot of nice weather, but the cost of living is pretty steep. Virginia is another place I have heard a lot of good things about, but having never been there I can't say for certain. There is also the personal. My wife has many friends that live in southern Wisconsin and it would be hard for her to leave them.
Every place has it's pros and cons. There are so many things I enjoy about living here, but there is one pretty big one that I don't. So in the next few years we have to weigh all these things as we decide where to settle down and buy a house after I finish school. I will look here first, but who knows where God will lead us to.
In March in the middle of this winter Charlie and I visited some of her relatives in the Dallas area. It was sunny and in the 70's and 80's while we were down there. Being able to go for a walk in shorts in March was a special treat for me. This furthered my thought process. What would it be like to live here? Now to be fair we spent 4 days in Dallas and there is no way based off of that to know. There are so many factors that go into where to live. Presence of friends and relatives, avaliabilty of jobs, quality of schools, weather, just to name a few. I do know ideally I would like to live somewhere warmer and sunnier. I am just not sure how realistic this is.
So to be fair, their are pros and cons to any place a person lives. Yes Dallas is nice during the winter compared to here 50's 60's 70's and 80's, but as we saw this past week they can also get violent and tornadic thunderstorms on a much more frequent basis then here in Wisconsin. It can also be brutally hot in the summer. Last year they had a streak of over 40 consecutive days over 100 degrees. None of this is to mention jobs and schools etc.
Milwaukee. There are many things that I love about living here. Milwaukee in the summer is quite simply a gorgeous place to be. The fairs, festivals, bright warm sun, green trees and grass, and of course the Brewers. There is quite simply no other place that I would rather be in the summer and early fall. At the same time I am suseptable to Seasonal Afectional Disorder. I have a natural light that helps me get Vitamin D in the winter, this helps with sadness but not the boxed in feeling. As much as I love being here in the midwest in the Summer, I can think of many places that I would rather be in the winter.
California has a lot of nice weather, but the cost of living is pretty steep. Virginia is another place I have heard a lot of good things about, but having never been there I can't say for certain. There is also the personal. My wife has many friends that live in southern Wisconsin and it would be hard for her to leave them.
Every place has it's pros and cons. There are so many things I enjoy about living here, but there is one pretty big one that I don't. So in the next few years we have to weigh all these things as we decide where to settle down and buy a house after I finish school. I will look here first, but who knows where God will lead us to.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Visable Progress
This past weekend, I became aware of how silly and potentially harmful a negative thought pattern that I had was. I was able to take a step (or more) back and see it for what it is. This thought pattern doesn't represent reality. As I was talking with my pastor about this issue he said "you are worrying about a bunch of things that haven't even happened yet, and might never happen." I know that in some of my previous conversations with my parents and others about this topic they have told me this. That I was engaging in "stinking thinking", on some level I relaized this. However, this time it kind of sunk in.
Before now I wasn't able to take a step back and look at my negative ruminations objectivley. In this case I was able to do that and internally say "hey wait a minute that isn't right", just because I am afraid that this might or is happening that doesn't mean that it is or will. For me this is big. Since my teens I have been a pesimmist where negative thought paterns are well established. To be able to get a bit of distance and to look at this more rationally and objectivley. So I am very happy about this. There are some big changes going on in my life right now (ie going back to school), so I am prone to more anxiety then usual, but I must be making signifigant progress if I was able to break out of this patern long enough to see the flaw in my thought patterns. I thank God and my family for working with me.
Before now I wasn't able to take a step back and look at my negative ruminations objectivley. In this case I was able to do that and internally say "hey wait a minute that isn't right", just because I am afraid that this might or is happening that doesn't mean that it is or will. For me this is big. Since my teens I have been a pesimmist where negative thought paterns are well established. To be able to get a bit of distance and to look at this more rationally and objectivley. So I am very happy about this. There are some big changes going on in my life right now (ie going back to school), so I am prone to more anxiety then usual, but I must be making signifigant progress if I was able to break out of this patern long enough to see the flaw in my thought patterns. I thank God and my family for working with me.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Anger and Forgiveness
Over the past few months, I have used this blog to start putting some of my thoughts and feelings in words. Doing this, has allowed me to recognize more easily some of my emotions and thought patterns. Many of us have someone in our life that we are most likely holding a grudge against. A hurt that we still might be nursing from our past. I know that I myself do still hold a grudge against someone who hurt me a long time ago.
This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years. This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional. This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation. Two years ago I found Jesus Christ. Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening. I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before. However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from. However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past. I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person. It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me. So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?
Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person. As a son, as a man, and now as a husband. So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains. Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life. I am going to let go of a part of my past. I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family. I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present. Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.
This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years. This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional. This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation. Two years ago I found Jesus Christ. Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening. I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before. However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from. However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past. I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person. It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me. So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?
Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person. As a son, as a man, and now as a husband. So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains. Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life. I am going to let go of a part of my past. I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family. I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present. Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Progress and backsliding
I have not posted an entry for a few weeks. These things tend to be a bit sporadic and random for me. What has been on my mind a lot lately, is the thought of am I moving forward in life, or am I backsliding. These two things seem like they are in conflict with one another. You are either moving forward, or moving back. Well, a thought occurred to me this morning. In certain areas of life I can be moving ahead and backsliding in others. It is not all black and white as my mother used to tell me growing up.
I have felt for sometime that I have been backsliding at work. Backsliding in the sense of avoiding certain people and certain situations. Part of coming out of my shell and engaging the world more is to interact more with people and get involved in the external world. Back in the summer of 2011 after I came to Christ and met my future wife this was easier for me to do. I thought at the time that I had concurred my tendency at avoidance. It was fun and exciting to engage and talk to people and learn more about them and myself in the process. I was moving forward in this particular area of my life.
The past few months however I have really struggled with this area of my life. Most of the time when I struggle with this is at work. Every day I am encountering large numbers of people that I do not know. My first instinct when I encounter these "strangers" is to stick my head down and avoid eye contact. I do not always do this however. There are times where I take a deep breath and say hi and make eye contact. I should add that one thing that I almost always do now is smile. Smile while I am walking down the hall, or at one of my posts at work. So I am really having some success with that.
I have asked myself the past few days what is the answer to have the courage to engage people and not want to "run and hide"? The answer that came to me is to be myself. (This may sound obvious to many people reading this blog, however not always so much to me.) The courage is already within me. I just need to overcome that fear and be who God made me to be. To become more comfortable in my own skin as I often am around friends and family. So today I am going to just take a deep breath and remember to be who I am at work, and to keep studying Scripture when I feel fear starting to grip me.
So, maybe in closing the purpose of this backsliding is to be able to discover an answer that is in me and be able to move forward. They say when God closes a door he opens a window. (Or something close to that.) I think He just did for me today : ).
I have felt for sometime that I have been backsliding at work. Backsliding in the sense of avoiding certain people and certain situations. Part of coming out of my shell and engaging the world more is to interact more with people and get involved in the external world. Back in the summer of 2011 after I came to Christ and met my future wife this was easier for me to do. I thought at the time that I had concurred my tendency at avoidance. It was fun and exciting to engage and talk to people and learn more about them and myself in the process. I was moving forward in this particular area of my life.
The past few months however I have really struggled with this area of my life. Most of the time when I struggle with this is at work. Every day I am encountering large numbers of people that I do not know. My first instinct when I encounter these "strangers" is to stick my head down and avoid eye contact. I do not always do this however. There are times where I take a deep breath and say hi and make eye contact. I should add that one thing that I almost always do now is smile. Smile while I am walking down the hall, or at one of my posts at work. So I am really having some success with that.
I have asked myself the past few days what is the answer to have the courage to engage people and not want to "run and hide"? The answer that came to me is to be myself. (This may sound obvious to many people reading this blog, however not always so much to me.) The courage is already within me. I just need to overcome that fear and be who God made me to be. To become more comfortable in my own skin as I often am around friends and family. So today I am going to just take a deep breath and remember to be who I am at work, and to keep studying Scripture when I feel fear starting to grip me.
So, maybe in closing the purpose of this backsliding is to be able to discover an answer that is in me and be able to move forward. They say when God closes a door he opens a window. (Or something close to that.) I think He just did for me today : ).
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