Back To School

This week marks my return to academic life after a 13-year absence.  So, how do I feel about this?  Alternatively, more importantly what am I feeling at this moment?  I feel excited, overwhelmed, and afraid.

I am excited to be challenging myself on a high intellectual level again.  It is exciting to have a tangible goal to be working towards.  This was how I often pulled myself through the tough times in undergrad and graduate school in the past, by always looking at the end goal. 

I feel overwhelmed by the shear amount of information that I now have to digest and organize.  These next few years are definitely going to be a good test of my developing a better system of organization.  Still when I am feeling overwhelmed like this it is hard for me to be able to slow down and focus on what needs to be done.  When I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed my tendency is to rush through things and get them done.  To succeed in the MLIS program, I will obviously have to fight that tendency.

This last one is easy.  What am I scared of?  Easy, I am scared of failing.  Scared of not passing a class, or getting my degree.  However, as my pastor John Wells has said to me on more then one occasion “I am worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet.”  Being back in graduate school if I so choose to look at it this way, can be an excellent opportunity to grow.  Grow intellectually, but maybe more importantly grow emotionally. Long time readers of this blog know that one of my long-term goals is to change and become a more optimistic and uplifting person.

Charlie has started to challenge me when I have one of my “freak outs”, to talk myself up.  Look in the mirror and turn the “cant’s” into “I wills” and “I am’s”.  There will be a lot of stress these next few years from school.  That is a given, and I have no control over that.  What I do control is how I respond, react and chose to think about myself.  Instead of saying, “I can’t do this, I’m not organized enough.”  I can look in the mirror and say, “yes this will be challenging and difficult, and you may make some mistakes, but you Bryan are smart enough, and a hard worker, you will succeed and get that degree.”

Big Ten Week One Power Rankings

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 1

1.     Ohio State (1-0)

1.     Michigan (1-0)

3.  Northwestern (1-0)

4.  Wisconsin (1-0)

5.  Penn State (1-0)

6.  Nebraska (1-0)

7.  Michigan State (1-0)

8.  Indiana (1-0)

9.  Minnesota (1-0)

10. Iowa (0-1)

11. Illinois (1-0)

12. Purdue (0-1)

Choices

Today’s topic: choices.  I can choose to work my hardest at my job, or I can choose to do a half-baked job.  I can choose to honor and cherish my wife or I can choose just to focus on my needs and wants. 

Now the choices we face every day are not always this black and white. My stepfather Gordon Sauer was the first person in my life to point this out to me.  (At least point it out to the point where it stuck in my mind.)  In the past and to some degree in the present I have been a person who blames other people or events when things are not going the way that I would like.  I can choose to be happy today (even if it does not always turn out that way.) The mindset that I chose to go into an event with is entirely up to me.

For example, I tend to be a person who is very self-critical.  I will make a decision and then after the fact I will flagellate myself for doing it.  I can make a choice to be conscious and to change that behavior pattern.  Another example, instead of judging a person or making fun of them for something I can stop and try to place myself in their shoes.  I find that when I do this, I am a lot less likely to judge them.  I feel humbled at that point.

I can choose to exercise on any given day and eat foods that are good for me, or I can choose to skip exercising and eat junk.  More then anything right now I am working on letting go.  I have 35 years of ruminating on things so this is going to be a life long process.  Instead of counting every calorie and weighing myself daily, I can try my best to eat healthy and exercise, not count calories and weigh myself at most twice a week. 

When we choose to own things and work on them, we are holding ourselves accountable.  Accountable to God, to our spouses and family, but also holding myself accountable to me.  I can look in the mirror and say I did what I said I was going to do, and that sense of being honest and accountable feels good.  To do what you say, words mean nothing by themselves; it is the actions that accompany these words that speak volumes about where our hearts and true intentions lie.

Big Ten 2013 Predictions

My predicted 2013 Big Ten Standings:

Legends Division

Michigan 7-1 (10-2)

Nebraska 7-1 (10-2)

Northwestern 5-3 (9-3)

Michigan St 5-3 (8-4)

Minnesota 3-5 (7-5)

Iowa 1-7 (4-8)

Leaders Division

Ohio St. 7-1 (11-1)

Wisconsin 7-1 (9-3)

Indiana 3-5 (7-5)

Penn.St 2-6 (6-6)

Purdue 1-7 (3-9)

Illinois 0-8 (2-10)

Notes:  Michigan loses to Notre Dame and Northwestern.  Nebraska loses to UCLA and Michigan.  Ohio State loses to Michigan at the end of the season.  Wisconsin loses to Ohio.

Big Ten Championship game:  Ohio State over Michigan

Assertiveness: Walking into the wind

Charlie and I have been talking the last couple of days about me becoming more assertive or vocal about things.  By nature I am a somewhat passive person.  Charlie jokes that she likes getting her way a lot (what girl wouldn't : )  . For the long term health of our marriage, when I disagree with something that she wants us to do or a decision that we have to make that I might need to say "no", or at least ask questions.

I know that there have been instances in the past two plus years where at the time I felt a twinge of "this doesn't sit right with me." in regards to certain things.  Instead of disagreeing I ignored it because I wanted to avoid conflict.  Growing up, there was a lot of conflict in my family and I grew to hate the toll that the constant conflicts took on our family.  I vowed that when I got married I would not repeat this pattern.  Well,, I haven't, but I have gone to the other extreme.  I avoid conflict or disagreement to an extreme because from the eyes of a 7 year old child I see the toll that this can take on a family.

With Charlie's help however I have come to see that I need to find a happy medium for the long term health and strength of our marriage.Hebrews 12:15
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (TNIV).  This verse from Hebrews talks about no "bitter root" grows up or gets in the way of a relationship.  For some this might mean disagreeing less.  For me it means not disagreeing just to do it, but to voice concerns I have about decisions and issues that Charlie and I face together.  So to find the happy medium.  Not to disagree just to be on a power trip and not to be to meek as to avoid conflict.  I pray that the Lord will help and guide me in this endeavor so that our marriage will be that much stronger.

My mission

   Originally,  I was planning to write about accountability, but I could never get what I wanted to say right in my mind.  So instead I am going to write about a topic that has been foremost on my mind.  That topic is, what is my mission in life, what do I want the over riding theme of my life to be?  My answer, is that I want to be an exceptional person.

   What do I mean by an exceptional person?  I want to be someone who lifts people up, encourages them and be a positive force in their life.  I want to also challenge people to be the best that they can be.  As a Christian there are two commandments that Jesus had for his disciples.  Love God with all of your heart, soul, strength, mind and body and also to love others as you love yourself.  I feel that by reflecting the love of Jesus in my life, and living by his example allows me to fulfill that potential.

   I would like to be seen by others as a warm, funny, caring, compassionate, intelligent and dynamic person.  I want to be someone who using my God given talents can help others find knowledge and ideas to help enrich them.  (This is why I am going for an MLIS degree starting this fall.)   1 Corinthians 1 26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: not many of you are wise by human standards, not many where powerful,, not many where of noble birth. 1 Corinthians 2 4-5 My speech and my proclamation were not with plausible words of wisdom, but with a demonstration of the Spirit and of power. So that your faith might rest not on human wisdom but on the power of God. (Scripture from the NIV Bible.)

   These verses from 1 Corinthians represent what I have been discussing here.  To help people be the best that they can be, not relying on human knowledge, but letting the glory and grace of God guide me to where I am meant to go.  Growing up I didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement, love and encouragement.  So I have decided to make it my mission in life, to give these things to those people in my life.  My wife, family, friends and someday my own children.  This is what I believe and exceptional Christian man, and husband does for his family and friends. This is how I plan on being "above average", by answering the call of the Lord, and to let him work His will through me with the Holy Spirit.

PS: I am also re framing my mission at work, to make the lives of others better, and to be an uplifting and positive force there as well.

Going with the flow and letting go

    I wrote in my last blog entry about feeling emotionally "free."  So I then followed up and asked myself the question, where did this emotional freedom come from?  I made a concious choice to let go of the things swirling in my brain and was emotionally present.  Once I was in the moment I felt relaxed and able to just enjoy myself and others.

    Part of being able to let go is to "go with the flow."  I know all of us as humans struggle with this from time to time.  We have things that we want to do or not do and we try to plan things out.  Life however often has other plans for us and to live an emotionally healthy life we must learn to let go and go with it.  I freely admit that I am a planner.  This in itself is a good thing, but over the years I developed into an over planner.  Growing up I was in an environment where there was a lot of emotional tension and uncertainty.  Our lives revolved around one person and their schedule.   As I grew up in this environment my needs and wants were very rarely validated.  I as a person did not often feel validated.  An aside, I know that in a family structure that parents run the show (or should any way.).  But this went beyond that, we all walked on egg shells to please this family member and to not "rock the boat."  When he was happy then it was okay for us to as well.  As you can imagine this is not the most emotionally nurturing environment for a kid to grow up in.

    So, as a result of this environment I felt I had little if any control over my life and surroundings.  As I got older my response to this was to attempt to "take control" of my life.  Not in an emotionally healthy way though.  I decided that I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  This played out more as I moved out on my own and lived by myself.  When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, I felt emotionally validated.  I felt that I had some power and control over my life and this created a security blanket for me.  This for me became a large part of my emotional "shell."  I created a very inflexible and narrow path in living life.  I became very inflexible and dogmatic and this in turn stunted the natural process of growth and learning that I think emotionally healthy people encounter in their life journey.

  One thing that my mom would always say when I would be stubborn and dig in my heels on something is to "go with the flow" of what others wanted to do.  I would feel anger at this, like I was surrendering and that no one care about what I "wanted."  In this process I allowed things to be about "me."  I became more self and inner focused.  As I have gotten older, found the Lord,  and found the woman who would become the love of my life, it became increasingly obvious that I needed to broaden my horizon and change my outlook.  My stepdad Gordon, would say I had tunnel vision.

    Part of this whole thing is me trying to plan things concretley months if not years in advance.  This is I can now see is impractical and a lot of times impossible.  Even within day to day life.  Thinking I must and will get items A B and C done today.  Instead of these are some things I would like to get done today but also be flexible enough to see what happens.  My wife is a person who is very much like this.  When I try and make these long detailed plans she will shrug her shoulders and say we will see.  She does some planning like paying the bills and vacations but her attitude is to take life as it comes and be flexible.  This has at times caused some consternation and frustration on my part.  Internally, I would grind my teeth and dig my heels in further.  This worked no better however.

    So, I have decided that the better course is to adapt and become more flexible myself.  There are two things each day that are "must do" for me: Bible study and exercise.  If I can get these two things then I have achieved my personal goals.  I will start thinking well I have to do all the laundry and dishes etc.  I will allow myself to get so fixated in these things that I can become somewhat myopic in my focus.  Charlie God bless her will say "let's go shopping."  So then I can either say no I want to do laundry, or I can let go of my inflexiblity and go with it.  This is what I normally do in these situations.  So just in living life day in and day out I have seen how this whole process works. 

    I would like to reach a point where it becomes easier for me to live in the moment, and go with things more.  These are not signs of weakness, or disregarding my worth or importance as a person.  When it comes down to it, being more flexible and "organic" actually helps in the process of letting go.  My relationship with Christ and my loving better half are really helping me in this regard.  But I will also say that for me lately this has been a somewhat painful and frustrating proccess.  Changing core beliefs while more then worth while is a slow and sometimes very hard and painful process, but it is very rewarding when I can have break throughs like I have the past few weeks.