Staying Present
In the last two or three weeks I have undergone some significant changes to my daily routine. I have started school again, and have started my internship at the Wisconsin State Fair. I work at the Fair two nights a week from 3:30-6:30 pm. I am also again taking two classes this semester. I have also been using my light box to help fight off the Seasonal Affectional Disorder.
I have felt my mood improve in the past week plus since I started using the light therapy again, however I still encounter the feeling of what I will call emotional claustrophobia. It is not constant, but when I start to feel overstimulated or overwhelmed I feel like the world is closing in on me, and everyone wants a piece of me and I can’t breathe. When this happens my defense mechanism is to emotionally “check out”. I liken it to old TV sets. When you would turn them off the picture would cut out and gradually recede until all you saw was a little pinprick of light at the center of the screen. That is how I feel when I allow myself to be in this mood. I just want to go inside of myself and totally zone out. When I do make a conscious effort to stay in the present there is a large amount of ruminating occurring in my brain.
I am making a conscious effort to stay in the moment, because if I don’t then I will be giving those that love and care about me short shrift. When I start to feel like this in the spring summer or fall, I can sit outside and breathe in the air, or lie in the grass and look at the sky. True I can be outside in the winter, and I have been making myself get outside for walks and this helps, but I still feel pinned in. Add to this feeling my new responsibilities and my anxiety has been at a level higher than at any time since we were planning for our wedding. I have been listening to the Bible every morning while I do my light therapy; I have been trying to draw closer to Him because without His strength and love this would be a lot harder to get through.
Now amidst all of this gloom that I am writing let me not forget the positives in my life. My lovely wife has been very patient with me, and she is endeavoring in her new art class and has already made a couple of frame worthy pieces. I recognize the talent that she has, and I find myself encouraging her to stick with it. She is such a loving, creative person. Painting fits her temperament well.
I also think that I am continuing to grow in my relationship with Jesus all though I do wonder if I have been pulling back from Him as well. I can’t control the weather I know this, and the anger that I was feeling the last time I wrote has mostly subsided. (This winter has taught me that I would probably not do well in the Arctic Circle where they don’t see the sun for weeks.) I am hoping that my mom and Gordon get the house they put in an offer for in Arizona because it would give us an excuse to get out of the icebox for a week or two in future winters. I am not sure what God is trying to teach me about right now, maybe patience, or endurance while suffering, but I do trust that it will make me stronger in the long run.
