It has been over two months since I have written on a serious topic, but this is the calm before the storm so to speak. In the last month of the semester I will have two 10-15 page papers due and a final exam. Therefore, tonight I want to write about something that has been on my mind quite a bit.
When I was growing up, I lived in a house where I was told what to do, and if I complained or even asked "why", I was told to go with the flow. I grew up feeling that my wants and needs were minimized. I felt irrelevant. I felt that I had no control over my life or what I could do. This was from the time I was old enough to test my boundaries till I was about 17. This lack of control that I felt, and the feeling that I was irrelevant and unimportant came from one source in our family, my father. We always did what he wanted to do. At that point, he was a very controlling person. I felt that I never got the chance to establish my own independence and identity as an individual that so many emotionally healthy kids and teenagers did. I am sure that I acted out and rebelled against my dad in quiet and passive aggressive ways, but not openly. I associated doing something that I did not want to do with a feeling of not being cared about.
When my parents separated and my dad moved out, I allowed this behavior to be more in the open. Whenever someone would ask me to do something that I did not want to do, I would either not do it, or do a half-a$$ed job of it. In my mind the message was "this person does not care about me, if they did they would not be asking me to do something that I don't want to do." This would trigger anger or hurt and I would "rebel" by either not doing it, or rushing through it.
As I got older and moved out on my own, my subconscious thought "a ha we are on our own now, and we can do what we want, when we want." So I developed my "shell" of comfort and routine, I grew stubborn and did things the way I wanted to do them, when I wanted to do them, that was how I established my independence. When someone wanted me to do something a different or better way, I would dig in my heels because I felt like they were trying to boss me around or tell me what to do. My inner child would act up and say "this person doesn't care about what you want, they are just out for themselves, so screw them, do what you want because after all of these years of his shit, you've earned the right to do it your way." I went on through my late teens, twenties and early to mid thirty's not even being conscious of why I behaved this way. Internally, I was trying to build my identity as an adult, and assert my independence. I thought, if a person respects me and loves me, they will let me do what I want, the way I want to do it. Any attempt to suggest a better way to do something, or ask for help was taken by me as either criticism or an attempt to control me. I associated openness to change as weakness, and just an excuse people used to try and interfere with my existence as an autonomous being. If they care about me, they will respect me and leave me be.
So, how does this manifest itself in my life today? As an example, let's say Charlie asks me to clean out the litter box and to better organize the file we keep our bills in. Internally, I feel annoyed and a bit hurt the rebellious teenager is thinking "she is asking you to do stuff that you do not want to do, does she really care about you?" So instead of saying no, I think "this is stupid I don't want to do this so I will just rush through it and do a half ass job of it, that will show her for asking me to do something I don't want to do." I am acting like a bratty, rebellious teenager. On a rational level I know that we are a team and partnership and that she has every right to ask me to do these things. She is also someone who knows that I can do things well even if I don't like doing them. So instead of doing what my mom would do which is to throw her hands up in the air and say "okay you did a crappy job of that I guess I will have to do it next time", Charlie who wants me to be the best person I can be doesn't let me get away with that. It may irritate the crap out of me sometime but God bless her for that.
I can sit back now and reflect more on this behavior being more aware of it. Every time I do something "my way" my emotionally rebellious teenager feels like he is sticking it to my dad saying " hey buddy you think my wants and needs are irrelevant or not important? Screw you I will do this my way." Internally I am acting out against my father. That anger and hurt that I feel isn't directed at whoever is asking me to do a task I find distasteful but is misdirected hurt and anger that I never confronted my dad about. So instead of hurting him when I act out, I am just hurting myself and annoying those that love me. My two defense mechanisms from my childhood, the rebellious teenager, and my cocoon and emotional wall that I built up around myself, I used sarcasm, and negativity to keep people away from me, because I was hurting so much inside. It was not until I took Jesus as my savior and let Charlene Grommesh into my heart that I was able to start breaking these walls down.
So happy belated birthday Charlie I love you with all my heart, and as we get close to Easter I am thankful to you Lord for saving my life and words cannot express how much I love your Son because you died on the Cross so that my sins can be washed away and I can be with You forever. I feel so blessed, and I hope as time goes on, I can let go of some of the pain and self criticism that I have in my heart. I know I am on my way.
