I feel that for the past year or two, that I have not reached out enough to people. I remember when I first became a Christian, I had a fear at the time of dying alone, and this motivated me to reach out to people I didn't know and to try and get to know them. Now however, I am married to an awesome woman, worship an awesome God, and have emotional stability that I haven't had in my life before.
However, I feel an urge to reach out. Like many of us I have found myself distancing myself from or judging other people that I see as "different." IE different socio-economic group, different denomination, different political or ideological views etc. But I was reminded of something yesterday. I have been allowing myself to let what I don't have in common with a person as a reason not to reach out. Or I have looked at someone and thought "what could I possible have in common with that person?" Well, as it turns out probably quite a bit.
We are both created by God. Odds are pretty good that she knows what it is like to feel lonely and afraid, or pure joy, or being hungry etc. Even though people have different views and way of dealing with things, we all have a soul. The greatest commandment found in the New Testament "love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." I feel that I have done a better job of the latter then the former.
No where in the Bible does Jesus say that Christians should divide themselves into different sects and denominations. This is what the Jews did. They became so concerned with the specifics of God's law that they forgot about the greatest commandment. I feel that in many ways we Christians to get caught up in these clashes of doctrine. But in the end does it really matter whose Holy Water is more blessed? Or if we should have traditional or contemporary music at worship? This takes attention away from the essential truth. We were made by God to serve Him, and glorify His name.
I look around me and see people reaching out to help the less fortunate. I think in my mind, "I'd like to do that, but I don't have the time." We often hear about giving more of our resources to the Church. When I think of this, I think of money. However, our time is also a resource. To take that extra 10-15 minutes to stop and talk to a neighbor and say more than "hi." One of my main goals in life is to become a person who lifts people up, and does not tear them down. I think I do a decent job of that with those close to me. But I find myself internally critiquing a person who has what I consider a funky hair style or way out there clothes. that doesn't change who they are.
We are all God's children and every Christian is part of the body of Christ. It is time that we start acting more like it. Not dividing our selves off into different denominations and thinking that our way of worship is "the best." Every week our pastors end the service with the phrase "let's go out and change the world." I often find myself asking am I changing the world? Or am I stuck behind my comfort zone.
I yearn to become a better person then I am now. I think that right now I am being called to grow as a disciple of Jesus. I feel that I have not done the best job of modeling His life. Would Jesus dis a woman who "smelled bad" or had "greasy hair"? No, he would wash her feet and serve her. That is the most powerful image I see in the Bible. Here is Jesus, the Son of Man washing the feet of his disciples. Yes we are to serve Him, but he chose to come among us as a human and to serve us as well.
Therefore, in the coming year I pledge to do a better job of reaching out to people and finding common ground with them, not a reason to shun them. As an introvert it can be hard for me to reach out to total strangers, but I have gone out of my comfort zone to do this before, and again I will push myself more. My goal is not to reach out to people and convert them, but just to be there, because life is all about relationships, and like when I met my wife, you can't go looking for it specifically but you can have yourself in the right place, because the time will come. Life is all about timing. Be in the right place at the right time, and I vow to put myself in the right place more often.
Showing posts with label Faith and Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith and Religion. Show all posts
Monday, September 8, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Rebellious Teenager
It has been over two months since I have written on a serious topic, but this is the calm before the storm so to speak. In the last month of the semester I will have two 10-15 page papers due and a final exam. Therefore, tonight I want to write about something that has been on my mind quite a bit.
When I was growing up, I lived in a house where I was told what to do, and if I complained or even asked "why", I was told to go with the flow. I grew up feeling that my wants and needs were minimized. I felt irrelevant. I felt that I had no control over my life or what I could do. This was from the time I was old enough to test my boundaries till I was about 17. This lack of control that I felt, and the feeling that I was irrelevant and unimportant came from one source in our family, my father. We always did what he wanted to do. At that point, he was a very controlling person. I felt that I never got the chance to establish my own independence and identity as an individual that so many emotionally healthy kids and teenagers did. I am sure that I acted out and rebelled against my dad in quiet and passive aggressive ways, but not openly. I associated doing something that I did not want to do with a feeling of not being cared about.
When my parents separated and my dad moved out, I allowed this behavior to be more in the open. Whenever someone would ask me to do something that I did not want to do, I would either not do it, or do a half-a$$ed job of it. In my mind the message was "this person does not care about me, if they did they would not be asking me to do something that I don't want to do." This would trigger anger or hurt and I would "rebel" by either not doing it, or rushing through it.
As I got older and moved out on my own, my subconscious thought "a ha we are on our own now, and we can do what we want, when we want." So I developed my "shell" of comfort and routine, I grew stubborn and did things the way I wanted to do them, when I wanted to do them, that was how I established my independence. When someone wanted me to do something a different or better way, I would dig in my heels because I felt like they were trying to boss me around or tell me what to do. My inner child would act up and say "this person doesn't care about what you want, they are just out for themselves, so screw them, do what you want because after all of these years of his shit, you've earned the right to do it your way." I went on through my late teens, twenties and early to mid thirty's not even being conscious of why I behaved this way. Internally, I was trying to build my identity as an adult, and assert my independence. I thought, if a person respects me and loves me, they will let me do what I want, the way I want to do it. Any attempt to suggest a better way to do something, or ask for help was taken by me as either criticism or an attempt to control me. I associated openness to change as weakness, and just an excuse people used to try and interfere with my existence as an autonomous being. If they care about me, they will respect me and leave me be.
So, how does this manifest itself in my life today? As an example, let's say Charlie asks me to clean out the litter box and to better organize the file we keep our bills in. Internally, I feel annoyed and a bit hurt the rebellious teenager is thinking "she is asking you to do stuff that you do not want to do, does she really care about you?" So instead of saying no, I think "this is stupid I don't want to do this so I will just rush through it and do a half ass job of it, that will show her for asking me to do something I don't want to do." I am acting like a bratty, rebellious teenager. On a rational level I know that we are a team and partnership and that she has every right to ask me to do these things. She is also someone who knows that I can do things well even if I don't like doing them. So instead of doing what my mom would do which is to throw her hands up in the air and say "okay you did a crappy job of that I guess I will have to do it next time", Charlie who wants me to be the best person I can be doesn't let me get away with that. It may irritate the crap out of me sometime but God bless her for that.
I can sit back now and reflect more on this behavior being more aware of it. Every time I do something "my way" my emotionally rebellious teenager feels like he is sticking it to my dad saying " hey buddy you think my wants and needs are irrelevant or not important? Screw you I will do this my way." Internally I am acting out against my father. That anger and hurt that I feel isn't directed at whoever is asking me to do a task I find distasteful but is misdirected hurt and anger that I never confronted my dad about. So instead of hurting him when I act out, I am just hurting myself and annoying those that love me. My two defense mechanisms from my childhood, the rebellious teenager, and my cocoon and emotional wall that I built up around myself, I used sarcasm, and negativity to keep people away from me, because I was hurting so much inside. It was not until I took Jesus as my savior and let Charlene Grommesh into my heart that I was able to start breaking these walls down.
So happy belated birthday Charlie I love you with all my heart, and as we get close to Easter I am thankful to you Lord for saving my life and words cannot express how much I love your Son because you died on the Cross so that my sins can be washed away and I can be with You forever. I feel so blessed, and I hope as time goes on, I can let go of some of the pain and self criticism that I have in my heart. I know I am on my way.
When I was growing up, I lived in a house where I was told what to do, and if I complained or even asked "why", I was told to go with the flow. I grew up feeling that my wants and needs were minimized. I felt irrelevant. I felt that I had no control over my life or what I could do. This was from the time I was old enough to test my boundaries till I was about 17. This lack of control that I felt, and the feeling that I was irrelevant and unimportant came from one source in our family, my father. We always did what he wanted to do. At that point, he was a very controlling person. I felt that I never got the chance to establish my own independence and identity as an individual that so many emotionally healthy kids and teenagers did. I am sure that I acted out and rebelled against my dad in quiet and passive aggressive ways, but not openly. I associated doing something that I did not want to do with a feeling of not being cared about.
When my parents separated and my dad moved out, I allowed this behavior to be more in the open. Whenever someone would ask me to do something that I did not want to do, I would either not do it, or do a half-a$$ed job of it. In my mind the message was "this person does not care about me, if they did they would not be asking me to do something that I don't want to do." This would trigger anger or hurt and I would "rebel" by either not doing it, or rushing through it.
As I got older and moved out on my own, my subconscious thought "a ha we are on our own now, and we can do what we want, when we want." So I developed my "shell" of comfort and routine, I grew stubborn and did things the way I wanted to do them, when I wanted to do them, that was how I established my independence. When someone wanted me to do something a different or better way, I would dig in my heels because I felt like they were trying to boss me around or tell me what to do. My inner child would act up and say "this person doesn't care about what you want, they are just out for themselves, so screw them, do what you want because after all of these years of his shit, you've earned the right to do it your way." I went on through my late teens, twenties and early to mid thirty's not even being conscious of why I behaved this way. Internally, I was trying to build my identity as an adult, and assert my independence. I thought, if a person respects me and loves me, they will let me do what I want, the way I want to do it. Any attempt to suggest a better way to do something, or ask for help was taken by me as either criticism or an attempt to control me. I associated openness to change as weakness, and just an excuse people used to try and interfere with my existence as an autonomous being. If they care about me, they will respect me and leave me be.
So, how does this manifest itself in my life today? As an example, let's say Charlie asks me to clean out the litter box and to better organize the file we keep our bills in. Internally, I feel annoyed and a bit hurt the rebellious teenager is thinking "she is asking you to do stuff that you do not want to do, does she really care about you?" So instead of saying no, I think "this is stupid I don't want to do this so I will just rush through it and do a half ass job of it, that will show her for asking me to do something I don't want to do." I am acting like a bratty, rebellious teenager. On a rational level I know that we are a team and partnership and that she has every right to ask me to do these things. She is also someone who knows that I can do things well even if I don't like doing them. So instead of doing what my mom would do which is to throw her hands up in the air and say "okay you did a crappy job of that I guess I will have to do it next time", Charlie who wants me to be the best person I can be doesn't let me get away with that. It may irritate the crap out of me sometime but God bless her for that.
I can sit back now and reflect more on this behavior being more aware of it. Every time I do something "my way" my emotionally rebellious teenager feels like he is sticking it to my dad saying " hey buddy you think my wants and needs are irrelevant or not important? Screw you I will do this my way." Internally I am acting out against my father. That anger and hurt that I feel isn't directed at whoever is asking me to do a task I find distasteful but is misdirected hurt and anger that I never confronted my dad about. So instead of hurting him when I act out, I am just hurting myself and annoying those that love me. My two defense mechanisms from my childhood, the rebellious teenager, and my cocoon and emotional wall that I built up around myself, I used sarcasm, and negativity to keep people away from me, because I was hurting so much inside. It was not until I took Jesus as my savior and let Charlene Grommesh into my heart that I was able to start breaking these walls down.
So happy belated birthday Charlie I love you with all my heart, and as we get close to Easter I am thankful to you Lord for saving my life and words cannot express how much I love your Son because you died on the Cross so that my sins can be washed away and I can be with You forever. I feel so blessed, and I hope as time goes on, I can let go of some of the pain and self criticism that I have in my heart. I know I am on my way.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Staying Thankful
Staying Thankful
When I first became a Christian in 2011, I was very conscious of thanking God every day for everything that He has blessed me with and trying to always have that attitude of staying thankful. I have read many profiles of people who are able to keep a humble and thankful attitude about the smaller things in life and seem not to grumble or complain about things. I admire people like this who can find reasons to be thankful and grateful even in the most mundane aspects of life.
By now most of you who are regular or semi-regular readers of my blog know that I come from a background that was very negative. People in my family did not often pause and reflect on what they had and how that they should be grateful for it. We complained about things we didn’t like. As I have said before, I was exposed to a lot of negativity growing up. I had 30 + years to establish negative thought patterns. Instead of focusing on what I had and being thankful for it, I focused on what I did not have. I have read enough Scripture, listened to enough sermons, and talked to enough people to know that this is far from uncommon. But, when I read those stories about those people who are so focused on the positive I cannot help but want to be more like them.
The impetus for writing this piece is that these past few months I have found myself complaining about the winter weather, and other things. Instead of focusing on the thought that I am fortunate and blessed to be in a position where I have shelter, food, and people who love me I allow myself to feel “gipped” because I don’t live in a place that has nice weather in winter. I am focusing on the negative side of this instead of seeing the positive. I feel a mix of emotions, happy because I am now in a position to be able to see that I can control my thoughts, and disappointed because I vowed to myself that I would not allow myself to slip back into these thought patterns (and I have). I find it somewhat distasteful how much negativity I have felt emanating from myself lately. I “feel” more like the old Bryan and less like the man that I know God is making me into.
I have said more than once that I want to be a person who radiates and reflects warmth and love. I want to be someone who builds other people up, and encourages them. (All things that I did not have growing up). I know what it feels like to live in a negative environment and how awesome and energizing it feels to be around people who radiate a positive energy. I want to be one of these people. I look at Charlie and I see how happy she is and how in love we are, and I know that for at least one person in this world that I am encouraging and building them up. However, when I am at work I can feel the negative energy inside me and around me and there are times it just eats me up. This is one reason that I am glad to be leaving this place in a few months.
So I am going to make a request to all my family and friends who might read this. If you see me being too negative or pessimistic, call me out on it. If you see me as someone who is encouraging and building other people up, let me know. Like anyone else who is trying to change and become the best person that I can be, I need encouragement and support to grow. Charlie has been a great support network to me, as has my church and family. I will be honest here, when I catch myself being negative and pessimistic, I feel guilty. I feel that I am letting down my family, friends, Savior and others. That is a big burden to carry around. Intellectually I know this is not true, but none the less that thought and feeling is there. In order to move forward and become the best person that I can be, I am going to renew my focus on surrounding myself with people, ideas and things that radiate positive energy. Because, once and for all I want to leave the negative energy and my old self in the past where they belong.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Keeping My Faith Strong
I have found it to be quite a challenge to balance, school, my marriage, and my faith. Every since I finished my Disciple Bible class in May I have struggled to find a routine with my Bible study. Lately, I have done my Bible reading and meditation sitting in my car about a half hour before work starts. I have been listening more and more the K Love a Christian music station.
What I do is live my life and try to reflect God’s love in my actions every day. I try (but often fail) to thank him for the blessings in my life. I sometimes remember to pray before a meal, but often I do not. I do make a conscious effort though to glorify Him in my actions. My work ethic is miles better then what it used to be, but I still have a ways to go with that.
In my marriage, I love my wife Charlie with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. The same way that I love Jesus. I wish I had more time to be involved in church activities and ministries. With school, however I do not have time. When I am doing school work I try as hard as I can, not just because I enjoy the challenge and want to get the best grades I can, (yeah I am competitive), but because I want to glorify God’s name as a way for leading me to this opportunity to further my education. “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31).
I love Christ with all my heart, soul mind and strength; I just want my life and actions to reflect that fact.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
He Saved My Life
So you might be asking yourself as you read the tittle of my blog, who is He? He is Jesus. He saved my life. To begin with, I will start with where I was before I asked Christ into my heart.
I spent a good deal of my 20's and early 30's hiding who I really was behind a wall of sarcasm and negativity and isolating myself from people. I had a few friends, and I dated a few different women. But I never let anyone get close to me. As time passed I watch both of my sisters (Jenny and Kayla), get married and start their own families. Something inside of me started to change. What I wanted out of life changed. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Up until that point I had no real plan for my future. I never gave any serious thought as to whether I wanted a family. However, when I saw my sisters married, a seed was planted in my heart.
Even before I became a Christian, I was very fortunate to have parents who made me go through Sunday School and Confirmation. Even though I wasn't following Christ yet, I was exposed to the Bible and His Word. Many kids growing up nowadays don't even get that exposure. I have also been fortunate to have a mentor in my stepfather Gordon Sauer. I have known Gordon for 10 years now and it has been through watching him interact with people and his attitude in life that I got to see how a Christian man treats those around him.
So, now that I have provided a bit of background, when was "the moment" that I realized I needed Christ in my life? May and June of 2011. I had reached a point where I was so frustrated and scared and lacking direction. Then, one day I went on a date. I met Charlie (my future wife). I was freaking out big time. Part of me really wanted to stay and get to know this woman, and the other part wanted to run and hide and not allow myself to get hurt. Then one day it hit me. I couldn't do all this alone anymore. To sort through all of the anxiety, fear, and confusion that I was feeling in my life, I literally reached a point where I got down on my knees and said "Lord I can't do this by myself anymore."
I asked Him into my heart and life, to be at the very center of everything that I did, and to make me more like Him. That day, the Lord saved my life. He forgave my sins, and also more importantly has always loved me no matter what. When I realized that He believed in me, I realized it was about time that I did. He saved me from a life of sin, and aimless wandering. Even before I came to know Him, he was at work in my life. Previent Grace.
Since I have given my life to Christ, how have things changed for me? I started to break down the walls that I had spent the last twenty years building up. I decided to give my relationship with Charlie a chance, and open myself up. I began to reach out to those around me and form closer relationships with them. I began to let myself be involved in the lives of others; to love and be loved. I found a congregation to become a member of, the church where I grew up, and began to form these relationships again.
Also importantly, through prayer and reading the Bible, as well as conversation with my parents, I came to realize that I had been blaming other people and things for the state of my life. For example, blaming a co-worker for my anxiety at work and telling myself so and so is making me feel this way. I came to realize that I am responsible and in control of my thoughts and actions. This has helped me so much in my self growth. I pray just about every day that God help me with this.
God is so full of grace, and love. He loves mankind so much that he sent His only Son to the Cross so that the debt of sin that originated under Adam could be paid for all of us. God never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on myself. He kept after me, and after me, until I surrendered my life to Him.
So are things a cakewalk now that I am a Christian? No. Do I still struggle? Of course. Part of being a Christian is to take on some of the suffering that Christ experienced. When we struggle and are in pain, we are to be thankful because that means the Holy Spirit is working through us and changing us into the person God wants us to be. It is because of God's love and grace that I, a broken wretched sinner, was forgiven and given new life. I was reborn. If any of you reading this blog doubt whether God exists or whether he loves you, I stand here today as living proof. That the living God loves you and wants you to know him, and know you.
A final word. I am getting married in eleven days. For years I struggled with letting people in and opening myself up to loving someone else and being loved. I, myself, without Christ, am not capable of having a successful and loving marriage. It is because of His presence and guidance and the strength He gives me, that on October 20th I will stand in front of family and friends and say "I do", and spend the rest of my life with my best friend, lover and soul mate. Without my relationship with Christ, I never would have had the courage or strength to get to where I am today.
I spent a good deal of my 20's and early 30's hiding who I really was behind a wall of sarcasm and negativity and isolating myself from people. I had a few friends, and I dated a few different women. But I never let anyone get close to me. As time passed I watch both of my sisters (Jenny and Kayla), get married and start their own families. Something inside of me started to change. What I wanted out of life changed. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Up until that point I had no real plan for my future. I never gave any serious thought as to whether I wanted a family. However, when I saw my sisters married, a seed was planted in my heart.
Even before I became a Christian, I was very fortunate to have parents who made me go through Sunday School and Confirmation. Even though I wasn't following Christ yet, I was exposed to the Bible and His Word. Many kids growing up nowadays don't even get that exposure. I have also been fortunate to have a mentor in my stepfather Gordon Sauer. I have known Gordon for 10 years now and it has been through watching him interact with people and his attitude in life that I got to see how a Christian man treats those around him.
So, now that I have provided a bit of background, when was "the moment" that I realized I needed Christ in my life? May and June of 2011. I had reached a point where I was so frustrated and scared and lacking direction. Then, one day I went on a date. I met Charlie (my future wife). I was freaking out big time. Part of me really wanted to stay and get to know this woman, and the other part wanted to run and hide and not allow myself to get hurt. Then one day it hit me. I couldn't do all this alone anymore. To sort through all of the anxiety, fear, and confusion that I was feeling in my life, I literally reached a point where I got down on my knees and said "Lord I can't do this by myself anymore."
I asked Him into my heart and life, to be at the very center of everything that I did, and to make me more like Him. That day, the Lord saved my life. He forgave my sins, and also more importantly has always loved me no matter what. When I realized that He believed in me, I realized it was about time that I did. He saved me from a life of sin, and aimless wandering. Even before I came to know Him, he was at work in my life. Previent Grace.
Since I have given my life to Christ, how have things changed for me? I started to break down the walls that I had spent the last twenty years building up. I decided to give my relationship with Charlie a chance, and open myself up. I began to reach out to those around me and form closer relationships with them. I began to let myself be involved in the lives of others; to love and be loved. I found a congregation to become a member of, the church where I grew up, and began to form these relationships again.
Also importantly, through prayer and reading the Bible, as well as conversation with my parents, I came to realize that I had been blaming other people and things for the state of my life. For example, blaming a co-worker for my anxiety at work and telling myself so and so is making me feel this way. I came to realize that I am responsible and in control of my thoughts and actions. This has helped me so much in my self growth. I pray just about every day that God help me with this.
God is so full of grace, and love. He loves mankind so much that he sent His only Son to the Cross so that the debt of sin that originated under Adam could be paid for all of us. God never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on myself. He kept after me, and after me, until I surrendered my life to Him.
So are things a cakewalk now that I am a Christian? No. Do I still struggle? Of course. Part of being a Christian is to take on some of the suffering that Christ experienced. When we struggle and are in pain, we are to be thankful because that means the Holy Spirit is working through us and changing us into the person God wants us to be. It is because of God's love and grace that I, a broken wretched sinner, was forgiven and given new life. I was reborn. If any of you reading this blog doubt whether God exists or whether he loves you, I stand here today as living proof. That the living God loves you and wants you to know him, and know you.
A final word. I am getting married in eleven days. For years I struggled with letting people in and opening myself up to loving someone else and being loved. I, myself, without Christ, am not capable of having a successful and loving marriage. It is because of His presence and guidance and the strength He gives me, that on October 20th I will stand in front of family and friends and say "I do", and spend the rest of my life with my best friend, lover and soul mate. Without my relationship with Christ, I never would have had the courage or strength to get to where I am today.
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