Digging Deeper: Learning but also Hurting

I just got back from a fun vacation in New Orleans with Charlie.  We saw the French Quarter, Garden District (my favorite), the Superdome, The Lower Ninth Ward, and a few of the cemeteries.  We ate some New Orleans food as well.  The blackened fish sandwich I had was my favorite.  Charlie also had to do some work related activities for the trade show in New Orleans so I also had some time to my self.  It was cool exploring the French Quarter by myself, and then again with her later that night a major difference in atmosphere and feel.

So now onto the main topic of this entry.  As I have alluded to previously I have been working through a book Mind over Mood, that helps a person change how they feel by changing how they think.  These automatic thoughts (which aren't really automatic) but deeply ingrained, are triggered by deeply held beliefs we have about ourselves.  These past couple of weeks I have been doing some digging through some very personal and at times painful stuff.  What I am discovering is that I have a deeply held belief that I am not good enough, that I am undeserving of  love and affection.  This is at the core of my low self esteem.  I am not going to get into why this happened.  For the purposes of this post it is not important. 

So I will go through my thought process when I ruminate or an automatic thought kicks in.  Say for example I cook a meal and found out I made a mistake, I didn't read the recipe close enough and I put the wrong amount of ingredients in, so it turns out to spicy.  After I discover this I think "man I screwed up"  I made a mistake, and let people down."  "I am better then this."  After having that feeling of letting someone down, I feel like I am unworthy of love and understanding.  This is a lot of what the ruminating is. 

The "average" emotionally healthy person would see that they made a mistake and would say, I am going to try and do better next time, and then let it go at that.  I carry this stuff around inside for days and sometimes weeks.  I just don't let it go, and when I see other people who I know love me, I feel undeserving of their love, like I am messing things up, so I project my negative feelings about myself onto others and avoid situations socially.  So the automatic thoughts and ruminations I allow to avoid people and things.  That is how in my past I built my "cocoon" for  myself.

For a point of reference the part of my past I am referring to is before June of 2011 when I found Christ and met the awesome woman who would become my wife.  My life for a good ten + years was work, come home, take a nap, eat, play video games and TV,, go to sleep and do the whole thing over the next day.  I dated, but avoided letting myself get close to anyone, thus continuing the cycle.  I would hind behind a cloak of sarcasm, and negativity to keep others from being to close to me.  I had friends but I never really opened myself up to anyone.  The risk of being rejected or left just felt to painful to take a chance on.  I at times kept a distance from my family as well.  Not doing my part to participate in relationships and share.

So what changed?  One day in June of 2011, I just felt so overwhelmed, and said this is to much for me, "God I can't do this by myself anymore."  I cried, and got on my knees and asked for His help.  He responded.  One of the first things I did was to reach out to my old church where I had grown up and been confirmed.  I started attending worship services, and became involved in adult Bible classes.  I became a liturgist and started to participate in ministry.  I met the Pastor of the church John Wells, who has become a friend, confidant, and a mentor in my walk with Christ.

That June I also met Charlene Grommesh.  We had our first date on June 4th, went to a Starbucks, and then walked around Hart Park and watched a baseball game.  As we hung out and got to know each other better, I started to "freak out", that feeling I got whenever I felt myself growing close to someone.  In the past I would run, this time I listened to a voice in my head, as well as my parents that told me to stay and stick it out.  I am so glad that I did because I found out that Charlene was my best friend and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I truly believe that God led me to her.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank Him for the blessing of having Charlie in my life. 

She loves me and wants me to become the best person that I can be.  At times she pushes me further then I would have ever come on my own, but she is always there to take my hand and walk the path with me.  I have also met two wonderful people Jerry and Anita Grommesh who would become my in laws.  They are both kind, loving and generous people who did a great job raising Charlie.  I thank God that I have a great relationship with both of them, I consider them more then friends, they are like another set of parents to me.  That is how much they mean to me.

For the past ten plus years there have been two people who were always there when I needed them.  When I wanted to earn part time $$ they let me mow their lawn.  When I needed advice or a hug or a shoulder to cry on they were there.  When I needed roll models, and mentoring they were there as well.  To show me how to people who are married can love and respect each other, but also how to laugh and enjoy life.  I am talking about my mom and step dad Gordon.  My mom has always been there for me through thick and thin these past 36 years.  She has always been there for me. 

I can remember back to when I met Gordon in 2001/02.  He hired me to sort and clean out all the old and messy magazines in his house.  He has always been there for me, which sometimes meant telling me things that I didn't want to hear, but needed to.  He was one of the first people to hold me accountable.  Not just patting me on the head and saying good job, when I cut corners on something.  From watching him work I have been exposed to a great work ethic.  I am working on incorporating this into my own life.  When you do something give it your all.  If you didn't do it right go back and see where a mistake was made, and try to learn from your mistake.  Practice and improve.  Always be seeking out new experiences and things to do and learn about, never stop bettering yourself and improving.  Become the best person you can, and don't do it for yourself, do it for God.

My mom has always been there when I when I needed some home cooking in my single years, or back in the days when I was unemployed lending me a few bucks.  She went back to work to save up for our college funds.  This is just one example of how she sacrificed for us kids.  No matter how many times I thank her I will never be able to repay all the sacrifices that she made for me.  She has always been my advocate as well.  She has exemplified for me sacrificial love.



It is very difficult for me to write this.  Not because I didn't meant what I wrote, but to reveal to a wider audience what is in my heart and on my mind.  Speaking from the heart is something that is very difficult for me.  I have gotten pretty good at it with my better half.  But to just about anyone else I still struggle greatly.  These are things that I think and feel but haven't had the courage to put on paper (virtually at least.)   So now all my friends and family who read this will know what is inside me, and maybe get to know a bit more what I am about.  None of this would be possible without Jesus Christ who is my Savior.  (Yes my boss is a Jewish Carpenter : )   ).  It is through his grace that I am who I am.  None of this would also be possible without those who have stuck with me through thick and thin and my loving wife.

Bryan Ericson

Automatic Thoughts: The Key To Letting Go?

    Let me let you in on a little secret.  I ruminate. In other words I am "in my head" a decent amount of the time, over analyzing and worrying about things.  Everyone worries about things and experiences anxiety from time to time.  That's normal.  But what I do is a roadblock to my emotional health.  So, to help me in my quest to be the best person I can be, and achieve a goal of being more emotionally healthy, I have begun a workbook called Mind Over Mood. by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky.

   The gist of the book is to recognize when we have strong moods and to try and get at the thoughts behind them.  To differentiate between moods and thoughts.  A lot of the time the strong moods are triggered by what the authors call "automatic thoughts."  That is thoughts that just seem to run through our heads without us consciously thinking them.  I know from past reading and experience that we do have control over our thoughts and actions.  But, when a person has spent at least 30 of their 36 years thinking and acting a certain way, it seems that these thoughts and behaviors are automatic.  However, as family members and friends have reminded me, I am in control of my thoughts and actions.

    It is helpful to be able to identify first what the strong mood or feeling is, and then what thoughts did I have right before I felt the mood.  Behind these automatic thoughts are certain beliefs that we have about life, things and other people.  So a diagram could go mood <-------- thought <--------- belief.  These beliefs about ourselves and life are both a product of our background as well as our upbringing.  So from reading this, I have come to believe that the key to being able to have a more balanced focus in life IE focusing on the positive aspects of a situation as opposed to the negatives are to get at these negative thoughts and beliefs, examine them and if necessary adjust them. 

    When we go into a situation with a healthy self esteem and a more balanced view of ourselves and lives, a situation occurs, if I have a thought, but if I have a positive belief about myself this thought doesn't trigger a bad mood and I am able to see the negative thoughts for what they are.  It will take years to root out and change these negative beliefs, but I know with the help of God, friends and family I am becoming the person that I want and was meant to be.

Yearning and Striving for Change

I think that we have all had times in our lives, different periods where we feel the need to reinvent ourselves.  I feel that I have reached such a point in my life.  I go back and look at my life two years ago versus today. In February of 2011, I had been living in the same apartment for 7 years.  I was still on the dating merry go round, I had no relationship with Jesus, and I had never broken an egg, or baked a day in my life.  I watched the same shows every day.  I had the same routine.  Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, take a nap or do my cat volunteering, have dinner and watch tv or play video games, then start the whole proccess over.

In the past two years, I have met, fell in love, and married the love of my life Charlene Ericson +.  I have reconnected with various family members, have traveled more (Minnesota, Florida, Michigan), and have been exposed to other various new ideas, tv shows and foods. 

Recently, I made the decision to go back to school and obtain a Masters Degree in Library Science.  So in short there have been many changes in my life these past two years.  I feel that I am at a point where I really want to change and grow.  I am feeling a certain dynamic energy around me right now, maybe it's a creative energy.  I believe that this is God calling me to grow and become a better more well rounded person. 

I am beginning to think what my life might be like 5 and 10 years down the road.  I know the answers to some of these questions.  I will be experiencing all of these things with the love of my life and best friend.  Many of these decisions we will make together.  A few I will make on my own (but with lots of input from my better half.)  Such as what area of Library Science do I want to focus in?  Where are their available jobs?  Do we want to stay in Milwaukee, or eventually relocate?  These are just a few of the things to figure out.  Besides talking about them with Charlie,, I have and will continue to pray about them.

Then there is another area of growth that I am thinking about.  Personal growth.  In what ways can I contribute to and grow our marriage.  In what areas can I grow in my relationship with Christ?  What are the qualaties and behaviors that I want to have, IE who do I want to be and why?  What am I doing to grow in these areas, are their things that I am doing or behaviors that I have that are holding me back?  Where can I improve. 

These are just some of the ideas and thoughts that are in my brain right now.  But this is a far cry from the thoughts that were on my mind two years ago today.