Turning negatives into positives

I found out two weeks ago that I did not get an internship that I had applied for with the UW-Milwaukee library.  I invested a lot of time and energy into applying for the position. I really got my hopes up that I would get the position.  When I found out that I did not get the job, my first reaction was very mild.  I reasoned that I did not have the experience that they were looking for.  Looking at it in a positive way, I gained some valuable experience in how to put together a resume from scratch.

Within a few days, however I felt melancholy.  Was it the setting in of winter?  The holiday season, nope it was that I had not gotten the internship.  Specifically, that I would not be able to leave my current job that I have held for 11 + years and begin a new chapter in my life.  I started to allow myself to think that I was “stuck.”  Instead of choosing to view this as a temporary setback, and try to seek new ways to challenge myself in my current position, I felt angry, and impatient.

Over the weekend, I found myself taking stock of where I am emotionally.  I realized that I have allowed myself to drift to far in the negative/pessitimisitc direction.  With that negative feeling, is also a feeling of powerlessness.  That is not an emotionally healthy place for me to be.  Therefore, I started reading one of the books that I had gotten for Christmas called Positive Dog.  I can feed the negative “dog” inside of myself or the “positive” one.  Well, for the past few weeks the negative one has gotten way to fat. 

I personally struggle with feeding myself positive stuff on a regular basis.  I will get something here or there, like a book or poem, or Scripture verse.  I have to remember what started me out on this new life journey that I started in 2011 two things; one I am in control of my thoughts and emotions, and two that I am a new person in Christ.  Every day is a new beginning if only I chose to view it that way.

So now, the challenge is for me to “stay” up.  Part of that is listing all the good things in my life right now: my relationship with Jesus, my marriage to an awesome woman who is helping me to become the best person that I am, a supportive family, a steady job that provides a livable wage, a great congregation to belong to, my wife’s growing faith, the Packers making the play offs, enjoying, thriving and succeeding in school, maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle, being more conscious of what I am doing and why I do things, and reaching the realization that I am ready for the next challenge in my professional life.

The items that I could choose to view as negative, it being winter, still being at my current job, and not feeling intellectually stimulated I can view as good things if I chose to see them that way.  The feeling that I am ready to move on can serve as motivation to look harder for a new opportunity and it being winter I can use as an extra motivator to exercise and stay in shape.

Negativity Creeping Back In

Last month I had applied for an internship in the UW-Milwaukee Library in the Reference Department.  I found out last week that I not only did not get the internship, I did not even get an interview.  I felt disappointed, and a bit upset.  After I applied for the internship, I found myself looking forward to being able to embark upon a new career path.  One where I would discontinue at my current job and move into the exciting library field.  Well, things did not quiet work out that way.  Most of the disappointment that I feel was not from not getting the internship, but that I was still “stuck” in the same place that I have been for eleven years.

As I came to this realization, I also became more conscious that my attitude about my current job had become negative again.  This is of course something that I can be in full control of.  I know that I am blessed to be employed in a stable (as far as I know) job that pays enough to help us sustain our lifestyle.  Nevertheless, I have allowed my old negative view that I have of myself in this position surface again.  I have found one thing that tends to uplift me and improve my view of myself at work.  Reading uplifting Christian books that reminds me who I serve and why.  I am not here for myself, but to serve the living God and to glorify His name.   Even when I am doing a mundane or what I consider boring task, I am helping someone (one of God’s children) and in doing this with a good attitude, I am glorifying His name and spreading his kingdom. 

Therefore, I have gotten away from some of these books and as my stepfather says garbage in, garbage out.  All around me at work and in society, I hear many negative messages.  God, my family and friends act as the counterbalance to that.  If I do not a situation in my life, then there either are two things I can do do something about it, or accept it. Obviously, I am going back to school so I can get the education that I need to get a job in the library field.  My motivation to look for part time jobs right now is that if I find one and get a foothold this can only be a positive in the long run.

Being back in school, I feel like a part of myself has been reborn.  A long dormant part of me, the scholar.  The scholar/student in me loves to learn, and loves to be challenged intellectually.  I got that in spades my first semester back in graduate school and there was an emotional fulfillment I feel that is awesome.  My negative attitude about my job comes from the view that I hold of myself in it.  That is I look down on myself for being in a job that requires very little intellectual effort to do.  Then I am devaluating the positive aspects that this job has provided me.  Namely the experience and knowledge that I have gained working with different types of people.  I know that God can use me where I am “bloom where you are planted.”  In order to help to do that my resolution in the New Year is to work even harder to become a more positive and emotionally healthy person.  However, I will say this, in 2013, I learned to love and care about the person that I have become.

It's Been Awhile

It has been a while since I last posted a blog entry.  A bit of an update, I finished my first semester of graduate school.  I am certain I got an A in one class and pretty sure that I got an A in my other class to (still waiting on grades for final project).  Therefore, I find myself, in a bit of a lull here before the holiday season starts next week.  I allowed myself to be stressed out during the semester but I also found myself enjoying being challenged on an academic level.  I had not realized how much I missed being challenged like that.  Now I have something to work towards a concrete and solid goal.

I know that my lovely wife will welcome the break.  I am sure she grew tired of me talking about school so much of the time.  Therefore, I am going to try to find a project or project (s) to keep me out of trouble this next month. This past semester I took a course called Foundations of Library and Information Science, and The Organization of Information.  Next semester I am taking Introduction to Archives and Information Retrieval.  The second is one of the four core courses that all students in the MLIS program at UWM have to take.  The course in archives is the intro class in that field.  I am strongly considering a career in archives.  However, I am also keeping my mind open also for public and academic libraries.

I really enjoyed my Foundations class.  A lot of that was the professor I had Dr.Latham.  She uses the Socratic Method in her teaching.  Asking questions and then prodding us to look deeper for answers.  She also designed the writing assignments in the course to help us learn how to write at the graduate level.  Part of these assignments was turning in formal outlines.  The first time I did an outline I found it difficult to do.  Nevertheless, the second time through was much easier.  I found it much easier to actually write the paper, because in the process of doing my research and writing the outline the hardest work for the paper had been done.  Overall, Dr.Latham challenged us to become better thinkers and better writers, because, she wants to see us succeed in the program.  I find that what keeps me engaged and getting bored is that I need to be challenged intellectually or personally by something or someone.  This is one reason my wife Charlie and I are so good for each other.  She challenges me to be a better person then I am.  She keeps me on my toes, so I don’t get bored : ).  She recognizes this in me, and since she loves me and wants the best for me, she challenges me to be the best person that I can be.  I thank her for loving me enough to kick me in the butt and keep me moving : )

A Fine Line

As you all know, I am back in graduate school.  I am finding that I love the challenge of hard work and learning.  However, it can also be stressful.  When I feel stressed out, I sometimes find myself reverting to old behaviors.  One of the big ones is that I tend to pull back from people when I am really stressed out.  When I do this, I find that I get down on myself.  Before I met Charlie and found Christ, I pushed people away.  I stayed in my own little box where I felt “safe”.  Problem was I also felt very lonely.

This can be a fine line for me.  I find that with the addition of at least 2-3 hours of schoolwork a day that I find myself needing more “Bryan time” then I used to.  I know that it is healthy to need some time to yourself.  However, with my penchant for “running and hiding” I have to watch it.  Recently I found that I was a little more emotionally distant then I would care to be.  I felt guilty about this.  Growing up I had someone in my life that would hold us at arm’s length emotionally.  Currently I find myself doing this.  Now, I am not totally emotionally absent, but I have pulled back and it was noticed. I feel bad about this.  I know that I am not perfect but I felt somewhat selfish for behaving like this.

So now, I am in a position where on the one hand I want to pull people closer but at the same time wanting some time to myself that in all honesty I have not been getting enough of.  So this tension continues inside me even as I move on and continue to work hard on my schoolwork.  I am proud of my efforts as I am getting A’s in both my classes at the current time.   I do not want to be an “emotionally absent” spouse, friend, son, or co-worker.  Nevertheless, I think I have been to some degree.  I want to be the person that God wants me to become and not the old me.  I am struggling with this right now, but I know I will get through it.

Overload, Overworked, Over Stressed Time for a Break

I have enjoyed my new academic journey so far, but right now, I have hit a wall, and the hardest part of the semester still lie in the future.  I am a person that learns material best by not just reading, but also taking detailed notes.  The downside of this is that it takes a long time to do for textbook chapters.  I find myself wanting to rush through sometimes and finish so I can get all of my work done.  I would like to take a break (a day or two) but if I do this then I will start to fall behind and become even more stressed out.  Therefore, I face a bit of a dilemma what to do in this situation.  That having been said, I love the intellectual challenge and rigor of graduate school.  I am just feeling burnout about 4-5 weeks sooner then I would like. 

I also have a goal of being an A student in school.  I also have a long history of being a perfectionist (those of you who know me please don’t roll your eyes to much), and instead of enjoying my good grades so far I am allowing myself to worry about not losing to many points etc.  I need to stop this destructive thought pattern on my own with “you are doing a great job”. If the semester ended today I would have an A in one class and an A/A- in the other, I just want to keep those grades up.  Therefore, I need to work my hardest but then be able to let go.  People such as my wife, my mom and my stepdad and my therapist have been telling me this for a long time.  I am not quite there yet with the letting go, but I have made progress on the replacing a negative thought with a positive thought.  That is awesome!

Now I need to ask myself, how can I help my stress level without allowing it to negatively affect my long-term goals?  Back in the old days when I would feel stressed out, I would isolate myself from people and hide in my apartment.  Well, I am not going to go to that extreme seeing as Charlie might miss me ; ) .  However, I can take an evening for myself where I exercise, relax, and do something mindless.  That is what my body and brain are screaming for.  This would obviously be easier to do if I was a full time student.  I also work 40 hours a week and I am dealing with people all day there as well.  (Being an introvert in a situation like this is a challenge).  Therefore, I need to take this me time in small chunks and make it work.  I am so blessed to have a wife who is an introvert as well and who understands what I am going through.  I am truly blessed.

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 5

1. Ohio State 5-0, (1-0) LW (1)
2. Northwestern 4-0 (2)
3. Michigan 4-0 (4)
4. Wisconsin 3-2 (3)
5. Michigan St. 3-1 (5)
6. Penn.St 3-1 (6)
7. Iowa 4-1, (1-0) (9)
8. Nebraska 3-1 (8)
9. Minnesota 4-1, (0-1) (7)
10. Illinois 3-1 (10)
11. Indiana 3-1 (11)
12. Purdue (1-4) 12

In Harmony

I have noticed something since I have started school.  I find myself feeling more in harmony with life.  As I am reading and writing and studying, I find myself connecting concepts and ideas together and thinking critically.  This has been a skill that I haven’t had to use in my life in over a decade, and man have I missed it.  I find it easier then some of my fellow students to think of class material in new and different ways and maybe see things from a point of view that others don’t.  For instance with my educational background in history and political science, I have been able to look at some of the issues and problems in LIS (Library and Information Studies for the civilians who read this blog) from a historical or political point of view.

We just read an article in one of my classes dealing with a lack of access to libraries for African Americans in the South in the 1920’s.  Well other people were connecting this to some of the concepts that we had learned generally in class, I was able to tie this in with the Plessy V Ferguson 1896 Supreme Court Decision and the whole concept of separate but equal, and how this set the tone of the Jim Crow era South and legalized segregation. As I was writing about this I was feeling a joy.  A joy of learning and a joy of applying previously learned knowledge to my current studies.

 I am not writing this to boast, I am no better or worse then anyone else.   I am writing this because I finally feel like I am in harmony with a major gift that God has blessed me with.  He has blessed me with a brain and the ability to think critically and connect ideas together.  I am studying now so that I can embark on a career where I utilize my God given gifts.  I also want to be careful to use my gift(s) not to glorify or puff up my own ego or career, but to glorify Him.  I want to be able to use my intellect to serve and make a difference for the better for others.  I want to do this to show the Lord how much I love him, and have joy in serving him.

In the job that I am in now, I am able to use my empathy to help people.  But I often feel “out of harmony” or out of sync.  While I am here I want to help others and make a difference, but it doesn’t feel the same.  I am out of my element in my current job, but that doesn’t mean that I use that as an excuse to shirk my responsibilities and not to do my best.  It is just more of a challenge at times to find my work fulfilling personally.  With school this isn’t much of a challenge, I love what I am doing, and knowing why I am doing it.  To better my life, but also to be able to someday have an impact and be able to reach out to other people and serve them while using my God given talents and gifts. That is living in harmony.

13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work²⁷⁰ and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ 23 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? 27 Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! 28 Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. 29 For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30 And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’” (Matthew 25: 13-30). (Parable of the Talents.)

Big Ten Week 4 Power Rankings

Big Ten Week 4 Power Rankings

1. Ohio St. (4-0)  (1)

2. Northwestern (4-0) (2)

3. Wisconsin (3-1) (3)

4. Michigan (4-0)  (5)

5. Michigan St. (3-1) (4)

6. Penn.St (3-1) (7)

7. Minnesota (4-0) (8)

8. Nebraska (3-1) (6)

9. Iowa (3-1) (10)

10. Illinois (2-1) (11)

11. Indiana (2-2) (9)

12. Purdue 1-3 (12)

Big Ten Week 4 Predictions

Nebraska 49, South Dakota St. 14

Michigan 34, Connecticut 18

Wisconsin 45, Purdue 20

Minnesota 38, San Jose State 34

Ohio State 52, Florida A&M 10

Penn State 35, Kent State 14

Northwestern 45, Maine 17

Indiana 37, Missouri 31

Upset Special:

Michigan State 21, Notre Dame 14

Keeping My Faith Strong

   I have found it to be quite a challenge to balance, school, my marriage, and my faith.  Every since I finished my Disciple Bible class in May I have struggled to find a routine with my Bible study.  Lately, I have done my Bible reading and meditation sitting in my car about a half hour before work starts.  I have been listening more and more the K Love a Christian music station.

  My heart and mind never wander far from Christ.  He saved my life.  I did not do anything to earn it.  I just gave my heart and life to him.  I will admit to feeling, as I have not held up my end of the bargain though.  Part of being a believer and disciple of Christ, is to go out and spread the Gospel. “¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” (Matthew 28:19).  I have been so focused on the daily minutiae of schoolwork that I will admit I have lost sight of this calling from time to time.  I am not out there “saving souls”.  At least I do not think I am. 
   What I do is live my life and try to reflect God’s love in my actions every day.  I try (but often fail) to thank him for the blessings in my life.  I sometimes remember to pray before a meal, but often I do not.  I do make a conscious effort though to glorify Him in my actions.  My work ethic is miles better then what it used to be, but I still have a ways to go with that.
   In my marriage, I love my wife Charlie with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  The same way that I love Jesus.  I wish I had more time to be involved in church activities and ministries.  With school, however I do not have time.  When I am doing school work I try as hard as I can, not just because I enjoy the challenge and want to get the best grades I can, (yeah I am competitive), but because I want to glorify God’s name as a way for leading me to this opportunity to further my education. “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31).
I love Christ with all my heart, soul mind and strength; I just want my life and actions to reflect that fact.

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 3

                                  Last Week

1. Ohio State (3-0)     (2)

2. Northwestern (3-0) (3)

3. Wisconsin (2-1)      (4)

4. Michigan St (3-0)    (7)

5. Michigan (3-0)        (1)

6. Nebraska (2-1)        (5)

7. Penn State (2-1)      (6)

8. Minnesota (3-0)      (T-8)

9. Illinois (2-1)            (T-8)

10. Indiana (2-1)          (10)

11. Iowa (2-1)              (11)

12. Purdue (1-2)           (12)

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 2

1. Michigan (2-0)  LW: T-1

2. Ohio State (2-0) LW: T-1

3. Northwestern (2-0) LW: 4

4. Wisconsin (2-0) LW: 3

5. Nebraska (2-0)  LW: 5

6. Penn State (2-0) LW: 7

7. Michigan State (2-0) LW: 6

8. Minnesota (2-0) LW: 8

8. Illinois (2-0)  LW: 10

10. Indiana (1-1)  LW: 9

11. Iowa (1-1)  LW: 11

12. Purdue (1-1)  LW: 12

Intervention or.... Not.

   Regular readers of this blog know that I rarely post about political topics.  I try to avoid politics, as I know that people have varied and strongly held beliefs on the subject.  There is one subject however that I will not stay silent on.  That subject is the potential for missile strikes in Syria.

Let me first state that as a Christian, I am appalled and horrified by what the Asad regime is doing to its civilian population.  He is a butcher and murder plain and simple.  The so-called “rebels” are no better.  They have ties to Al Qaeda the organization responsible for the September 11th attacks in 2001.  Therefore, we are in a Prisoner’s Dilemma of sorts.  Do we assist the Al Qaeda backed rebels, or the murderous regime of Bashir Asad?

My answer is that we give military help to neither side.  We provide humanitarian assistance through charities and the UN to assist the brutalized population of Syria.  I have a high standard by which I evaluate a support of US military intervention overseas.  That standard is: do I believe that the nation or group in question directly threatens the security of the United States?  The Syrian government is certainly a threat to its own population and the Middle East as a larger whole. 

Is Syria looking to invade or commit acts of terror on American soil?  I have not seen or heard any evidence to the contrary.  Using this standard I opposed the Iraq war of 2002, and the Bosnian war of the 1990’s.  I initially supported the Afghanistan war in 2001 because the terrorists who committed the acts of terror on 9/11 were directly supported by the Taliban regime in Afghanistan.  Hence a direct link to a threat to the national security of the US.  In my mind, military intervention was justified for Afghanistan in 2001. At the current moment, I support the immediate withdrawal of all troops from Afghanistan.

Syria is a problem no question.  However, if you look at recent history.  When the US becomes militarily involved in the Middle East, things do not go well.  It is for that reason as well as not seeing a direct link between the Syrian government’s actions and a direct threat to the security and safety of the United States that I oppose a military intervention in Syria of any kind. (Including airstrikes.)  I call on Congress to vote “no” on President Obama’s use of force authorization now making its way through Congress.

Back To School

This week marks my return to academic life after a 13-year absence.  So, how do I feel about this?  Alternatively, more importantly what am I feeling at this moment?  I feel excited, overwhelmed, and afraid.

I am excited to be challenging myself on a high intellectual level again.  It is exciting to have a tangible goal to be working towards.  This was how I often pulled myself through the tough times in undergrad and graduate school in the past, by always looking at the end goal. 

I feel overwhelmed by the shear amount of information that I now have to digest and organize.  These next few years are definitely going to be a good test of my developing a better system of organization.  Still when I am feeling overwhelmed like this it is hard for me to be able to slow down and focus on what needs to be done.  When I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed my tendency is to rush through things and get them done.  To succeed in the MLIS program, I will obviously have to fight that tendency.

This last one is easy.  What am I scared of?  Easy, I am scared of failing.  Scared of not passing a class, or getting my degree.  However, as my pastor John Wells has said to me on more then one occasion “I am worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet.”  Being back in graduate school if I so choose to look at it this way, can be an excellent opportunity to grow.  Grow intellectually, but maybe more importantly grow emotionally. Long time readers of this blog know that one of my long-term goals is to change and become a more optimistic and uplifting person.

Charlie has started to challenge me when I have one of my “freak outs”, to talk myself up.  Look in the mirror and turn the “cant’s” into “I wills” and “I am’s”.  There will be a lot of stress these next few years from school.  That is a given, and I have no control over that.  What I do control is how I respond, react and chose to think about myself.  Instead of saying, “I can’t do this, I’m not organized enough.”  I can look in the mirror and say, “yes this will be challenging and difficult, and you may make some mistakes, but you Bryan are smart enough, and a hard worker, you will succeed and get that degree.”

Big Ten Week One Power Rankings

Big Ten Power Rankings Week 1

1.     Ohio State (1-0)

1.     Michigan (1-0)

3.  Northwestern (1-0)

4.  Wisconsin (1-0)

5.  Penn State (1-0)

6.  Nebraska (1-0)

7.  Michigan State (1-0)

8.  Indiana (1-0)

9.  Minnesota (1-0)

10. Iowa (0-1)

11. Illinois (1-0)

12. Purdue (0-1)

Choices

Today’s topic: choices.  I can choose to work my hardest at my job, or I can choose to do a half-baked job.  I can choose to honor and cherish my wife or I can choose just to focus on my needs and wants. 

Now the choices we face every day are not always this black and white. My stepfather Gordon Sauer was the first person in my life to point this out to me.  (At least point it out to the point where it stuck in my mind.)  In the past and to some degree in the present I have been a person who blames other people or events when things are not going the way that I would like.  I can choose to be happy today (even if it does not always turn out that way.) The mindset that I chose to go into an event with is entirely up to me.

For example, I tend to be a person who is very self-critical.  I will make a decision and then after the fact I will flagellate myself for doing it.  I can make a choice to be conscious and to change that behavior pattern.  Another example, instead of judging a person or making fun of them for something I can stop and try to place myself in their shoes.  I find that when I do this, I am a lot less likely to judge them.  I feel humbled at that point.

I can choose to exercise on any given day and eat foods that are good for me, or I can choose to skip exercising and eat junk.  More then anything right now I am working on letting go.  I have 35 years of ruminating on things so this is going to be a life long process.  Instead of counting every calorie and weighing myself daily, I can try my best to eat healthy and exercise, not count calories and weigh myself at most twice a week. 

When we choose to own things and work on them, we are holding ourselves accountable.  Accountable to God, to our spouses and family, but also holding myself accountable to me.  I can look in the mirror and say I did what I said I was going to do, and that sense of being honest and accountable feels good.  To do what you say, words mean nothing by themselves; it is the actions that accompany these words that speak volumes about where our hearts and true intentions lie.

Big Ten 2013 Predictions

My predicted 2013 Big Ten Standings:

Legends Division

Michigan 7-1 (10-2)

Nebraska 7-1 (10-2)

Northwestern 5-3 (9-3)

Michigan St 5-3 (8-4)

Minnesota 3-5 (7-5)

Iowa 1-7 (4-8)

Leaders Division

Ohio St. 7-1 (11-1)

Wisconsin 7-1 (9-3)

Indiana 3-5 (7-5)

Penn.St 2-6 (6-6)

Purdue 1-7 (3-9)

Illinois 0-8 (2-10)

Notes:  Michigan loses to Notre Dame and Northwestern.  Nebraska loses to UCLA and Michigan.  Ohio State loses to Michigan at the end of the season.  Wisconsin loses to Ohio.

Big Ten Championship game:  Ohio State over Michigan

Assertiveness: Walking into the wind

Charlie and I have been talking the last couple of days about me becoming more assertive or vocal about things.  By nature I am a somewhat passive person.  Charlie jokes that she likes getting her way a lot (what girl wouldn't : )  . For the long term health of our marriage, when I disagree with something that she wants us to do or a decision that we have to make that I might need to say "no", or at least ask questions.

I know that there have been instances in the past two plus years where at the time I felt a twinge of "this doesn't sit right with me." in regards to certain things.  Instead of disagreeing I ignored it because I wanted to avoid conflict.  Growing up, there was a lot of conflict in my family and I grew to hate the toll that the constant conflicts took on our family.  I vowed that when I got married I would not repeat this pattern.  Well,, I haven't, but I have gone to the other extreme.  I avoid conflict or disagreement to an extreme because from the eyes of a 7 year old child I see the toll that this can take on a family.

With Charlie's help however I have come to see that I need to find a happy medium for the long term health and strength of our marriage.Hebrews 12:15
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (TNIV).  This verse from Hebrews talks about no "bitter root" grows up or gets in the way of a relationship.  For some this might mean disagreeing less.  For me it means not disagreeing just to do it, but to voice concerns I have about decisions and issues that Charlie and I face together.  So to find the happy medium.  Not to disagree just to be on a power trip and not to be to meek as to avoid conflict.  I pray that the Lord will help and guide me in this endeavor so that our marriage will be that much stronger.

My mission

   Originally,  I was planning to write about accountability, but I could never get what I wanted to say right in my mind.  So instead I am going to write about a topic that has been foremost on my mind.  That topic is, what is my mission in life, what do I want the over riding theme of my life to be?  My answer, is that I want to be an exceptional person.

   What do I mean by an exceptional person?  I want to be someone who lifts people up, encourages them and be a positive force in their life.  I want to also challenge people to be the best that they can be.  As a Christian there are two commandments that Jesus had for his disciples.  Love God with all of your heart, soul, strength, mind and body and also to love others as you love yourself.  I feel that by reflecting the love of Jesus in my life, and living by his example allows me to fulfill that potential.

   I would like to be seen by others as a warm, funny, caring, compassionate, intelligent and dynamic person.  I want to be someone who using my God given talents can help others find knowledge and ideas to help enrich them.  (This is why I am going for an MLIS degree starting this fall.)   1 Corinthians 1 26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: not many of you are wise by human standards, not many where powerful,, not many where of noble birth. 1 Corinthians 2 4-5 My speech and my proclamation were not with plausible words of wisdom, but with a demonstration of the Spirit and of power. So that your faith might rest not on human wisdom but on the power of God. (Scripture from the NIV Bible.)

   These verses from 1 Corinthians represent what I have been discussing here.  To help people be the best that they can be, not relying on human knowledge, but letting the glory and grace of God guide me to where I am meant to go.  Growing up I didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement, love and encouragement.  So I have decided to make it my mission in life, to give these things to those people in my life.  My wife, family, friends and someday my own children.  This is what I believe and exceptional Christian man, and husband does for his family and friends. This is how I plan on being "above average", by answering the call of the Lord, and to let him work His will through me with the Holy Spirit.

PS: I am also re framing my mission at work, to make the lives of others better, and to be an uplifting and positive force there as well.

Going with the flow and letting go

    I wrote in my last blog entry about feeling emotionally "free."  So I then followed up and asked myself the question, where did this emotional freedom come from?  I made a concious choice to let go of the things swirling in my brain and was emotionally present.  Once I was in the moment I felt relaxed and able to just enjoy myself and others.

    Part of being able to let go is to "go with the flow."  I know all of us as humans struggle with this from time to time.  We have things that we want to do or not do and we try to plan things out.  Life however often has other plans for us and to live an emotionally healthy life we must learn to let go and go with it.  I freely admit that I am a planner.  This in itself is a good thing, but over the years I developed into an over planner.  Growing up I was in an environment where there was a lot of emotional tension and uncertainty.  Our lives revolved around one person and their schedule.   As I grew up in this environment my needs and wants were very rarely validated.  I as a person did not often feel validated.  An aside, I know that in a family structure that parents run the show (or should any way.).  But this went beyond that, we all walked on egg shells to please this family member and to not "rock the boat."  When he was happy then it was okay for us to as well.  As you can imagine this is not the most emotionally nurturing environment for a kid to grow up in.

    So, as a result of this environment I felt I had little if any control over my life and surroundings.  As I got older my response to this was to attempt to "take control" of my life.  Not in an emotionally healthy way though.  I decided that I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  This played out more as I moved out on my own and lived by myself.  When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, I felt emotionally validated.  I felt that I had some power and control over my life and this created a security blanket for me.  This for me became a large part of my emotional "shell."  I created a very inflexible and narrow path in living life.  I became very inflexible and dogmatic and this in turn stunted the natural process of growth and learning that I think emotionally healthy people encounter in their life journey.

  One thing that my mom would always say when I would be stubborn and dig in my heels on something is to "go with the flow" of what others wanted to do.  I would feel anger at this, like I was surrendering and that no one care about what I "wanted."  In this process I allowed things to be about "me."  I became more self and inner focused.  As I have gotten older, found the Lord,  and found the woman who would become the love of my life, it became increasingly obvious that I needed to broaden my horizon and change my outlook.  My stepdad Gordon, would say I had tunnel vision.

    Part of this whole thing is me trying to plan things concretley months if not years in advance.  This is I can now see is impractical and a lot of times impossible.  Even within day to day life.  Thinking I must and will get items A B and C done today.  Instead of these are some things I would like to get done today but also be flexible enough to see what happens.  My wife is a person who is very much like this.  When I try and make these long detailed plans she will shrug her shoulders and say we will see.  She does some planning like paying the bills and vacations but her attitude is to take life as it comes and be flexible.  This has at times caused some consternation and frustration on my part.  Internally, I would grind my teeth and dig my heels in further.  This worked no better however.

    So, I have decided that the better course is to adapt and become more flexible myself.  There are two things each day that are "must do" for me: Bible study and exercise.  If I can get these two things then I have achieved my personal goals.  I will start thinking well I have to do all the laundry and dishes etc.  I will allow myself to get so fixated in these things that I can become somewhat myopic in my focus.  Charlie God bless her will say "let's go shopping."  So then I can either say no I want to do laundry, or I can let go of my inflexiblity and go with it.  This is what I normally do in these situations.  So just in living life day in and day out I have seen how this whole process works. 

    I would like to reach a point where it becomes easier for me to live in the moment, and go with things more.  These are not signs of weakness, or disregarding my worth or importance as a person.  When it comes down to it, being more flexible and "organic" actually helps in the process of letting go.  My relationship with Christ and my loving better half are really helping me in this regard.  But I will also say that for me lately this has been a somewhat painful and frustrating proccess.  Changing core beliefs while more then worth while is a slow and sometimes very hard and painful process, but it is very rewarding when I can have break throughs like I have the past few weeks.

Freedom

    This past week Charlie and I went up to Faribault, Minnesota to stay with Jerry and Anita my in-laws.  We don't have the typical in-law type relationship, I consider them as close to me as my parents.  We went to the Rice County Fair, the science museum in St.Paul and up to Hinkley and stayed at Pathfinder Park for a bit and saw the casino in Hinkley.

    During the week, I was able to let go and not ruminate about things.  Instead of closely watching what I ate, I compromised by eating whatever I wanted but taking a long 3-4 mile walk each day.  It feels great to just be able to be in the moment and enjoy life.  As what normally happens the vacation came to and end, and I felt bummed and a bit sad.  Sadness at leaving Faribault after having such a good time.  But also sad that I was leaving a place and situation where I was able to "let my hair down."

    In the past two years I have really been working on thinking more positively and being "present."  I still really struggle with this at work.  Work remains the one place where instead of controlling my thoughts and actions,  I let them control me.  Today I was feeling frustrated because I have had a breath of emotional freedom and it felt so liberating.  Now I am returning to a situation where it is very challenging for me to do this.  At the risk of sounding overly pessimistic it's like having a peak of the bright sun, then being thrown back in a dungeon of emotional darkness.  So I am feeling happy and loved, but also frustrated because it is much harder for me to stay in the moment in my day to day life at work.  I have seen the light and I do not want to go back into the dark.  Anyways, that is how I am feeling inside right now.

    I recognize that I am choosing to view things at work in a negative light.  I am trying so hard to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones and I feel that it is not working.  I get so frustrated I just want the emotional pain to ease up.  My step father Gordon has told me many times that God does not promise easy, and my journey certainly at times has not been easy.  But I am really struggling and grinding right now and have been for much of the past 4-5 months at work.

    Let me be clear that there are many awesome things in my life.  Married life is awesome.  Charlie is all I could ask for in a wife.  I have been able to stay away from some unproductive behaviors that I engaged in before I met my beloved.  Most importantly, I am still walking on the path that leads to Jesus Christ.  College football season is starting in a month as well.  So yes I can see all the good things in my life, but do I dwell on those?  Eh, maybe about 25-35% of the time I do.  But at least 50-75% of the time I still choose to be stuck in the negative ruminating.

    I want to get to a point where I just let go.  I want to let go of past hurt and anger, and say I don't need that any more, but I am not there yet.  I want to say I chose not to go down this path of thinking or behavior.  I don't expect myself to be perfect, but I want to be free and just relax and live more of my life in the present.  I don't want to slip back into my old mind set.  I have asked God for His help, and I know I should be patient.  But right now I have to fight like the dickens not to slip back into that old behavior and thought patterns, I mean fight really hard.  I have heard of stop fighting the thoughts and just look at them and release them and I have tried to do this, but no luck.  I haven't found what works for me yet, and I pray that I do. Because I have had a taste of emotional freedom, and I want more.

Overcoming negative thoughts and ruminations at work

    These past two years I have grown a lot and overcome a lot of self defeating behaviors.  I am able to be in the moment a lot more then I used to as well.  There is on area of my life that I still struggle with some of these bad habbits, work.  As a security officer, I have a lot of free time on my hands.  Time where I just sit there and stare at my computer screen or out the window.

    I have however started to do a variety of different things to try and keep my mind active.  Every day about 9:30 I get up and walk around the main lobby of the building and talk to people, or sit outside, or clean my cubicle.  Anything within the scope of the job that I can do to keep my brain active.  If I don't do this then I find myself "zoning out", my thoughts and brain wonder and the negative stuff comes into my head.  Or more acuratley I allow the negative stuff to come into my head.  I have had some limited success with this.  In general however once I get back to the office and sit down i "zone out" again unless something is going on.  I often feel understimulated in this environment.  I am trying to accept that there might be many days like this and not to despair. 

   I will admit that I feel that a large part of my identity is my job.  I have read that this common for men.  I am starting to realize that who I am is much larger then what I do.  However I feel that to much of my identity is still tied to my job.  This wouldn't be a negative thing If I enjoyed my work.  However, over the years I have built up in my mind a negative stereotype and image of myself as a security officer.  As my stepdad Gordon reminds me "it's a job".  The fact that I am working a job where I make more then minimum wage, have a good boss and have weekends off.  I try to balance those negative thoughts and beliefs with the idea that working where I do can be a positive.  I can encourage people where I work and be a positive influence and maybe even role model because of my faith.  IE people can see it in action. 

   I am working on changing my self talk and self esteem.  To remind myself of the good from working where I do.  It is a long slow process.  The past few months I have let myself slip back into my old mindset.  I don't work with a lot of positive people, and need to keep that negativity from seeping into me.  My wife, parents and friends at church help me with this and I am greatful.  I am not yet at a point where I can pull myself out of a negative thought spiral.  I try and expose myself to books and authors who espouse positive thinking and are encouraging.  I am hoping in the future to be able to defeat these negative thoughts on a more regular basis.

We vs Me

    One of the things that no one tells you before you get married is that you will still have a desire to do your own thing.  Just because you are now legally and in God's eyes an equal partnership does not mean that you automatically slip into the "we" mindset.  I find that this is something that I still struggle with.  I come home from work and have in my mind a list of things that I would like to accomplish.  However, I realize that there are things that Charlie would like for us to do.  Because I am married should the "me" things just disappear?

    I think that the answer is no, but I can not be certain of this. I will admit to feeling guilty sometimes for still having my own agenda in my mind.  Isn't part of a good marriage putting the other person first and sacrificing for them?  Why can't I just let go of all these things that I want to do and just focus on her and us?  Maybe that isn't realisitc.  Here is an example of what I am talking about: I come home from work and want to go for a walk, Charlie is already home and wants to go shopping.  We generally shop together.  So do I say no thanks I want to get my walk in, or say sure honey let's go, I can walk later.  I don't necessairly think that there is only one answer.  Most of the time I will put off my walk until later and go shopping.  However when we get back from shopping I feel rushed, because then I want to get the walk in before bedtime.

    Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I love my wife, and how I would do anything for her.  At the same time even though we are now a partnership both legally and spiritually we are also still both individuals.  Individuals who have differing ideas on some things and different ways of doing things.  So the key is to adjust to this and communicate and compromise.     My way of doing this would be to try and have a daily schedule and plan things out, her approach is more organic and rooted in the day to day.  She has gotten me to approach certain things more in this manner.  I am guessing that I have also affected her and that she plans certain things out now.  So we rub off on each other.  She knows how improtant getting my daily walk in is to me.  I know that it is important to her that we do our shopping together.  The shopping is important to me as well because it is important to her.

   So, even though we are now more then 7 months into the marriage and have lived together for over a year now there is still adjusting going on.  I can have a routine.  But there needs to be enough flexibility built in so that we can still do the spur of the moment things that my lovely wife likes to do day to day.  I struggle with this.  Just because I still have things that I want to do doesn't make me selfish or a bad husband, it just means that even though I am married, I am still an individual.  Just like Charlie is still an individual.  I lived on my own for 11 years, we have lived together for less then two, so I continue to adjust, grow and learn.  I just want us to grow together through this experience and not apart.  I have seen first hand what can happen to a marriage when one person puts their own agenda and happiness above that of their spouse.  I am activley avoiding that scenario in our marriage.  This is what is on my mind right now.  Thanks for reading

Bryan Ericson

Expressing My Faith (My testimony)

    Last month I just completed a nine month long intensive Bible study class at my church.  We met every Monday night, and for 2.5 hours we would go over six days worth of material.  In my study of the Old and New Testaments I felt like I was getting to know who God was better.  Also learning about the character of Christ. 

    Often I hear people talking about walking in Jesus's footsteps or immitating his life in our own.  I had a very broad idea what that meant.  In this last year I got a real sense for something that I was missing before, the humanity of Jesus.  Yes He was fully God but he was also fully human.  He came among us so He could understand our suffering in the flesh.  He had already devised a plan to forgive all of our sins, by paying the ultimate sin debt once and for all.  No more burnt or blood offerings were needed.  Jesus as the priest of the New Covenant, died for us to pay for our sins with His blood once and for all.  All we have to do to participate in His new kingdom is to accept that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died on the cross for the sins of this fallen world.

  It took me years of living the "human life".  I lived for myself, and was accountable to only me.  But thanks to the example I had in my stepfather Gordon Sauer, about how a Christian man treats others, and that the main purpose of living is to live for Christ and to glorify Him whenever we can.  My mom also was an influence here.  She is the one who made me go through Sunday school and confirmation class.  So when I reached the point in my life where I felt that I couldn't do things on my own anymore I had the background and knew enough about God that I knew where I had to go and what I had to do.  I gave myself to God and made him the Savior of my life.  I know try to live everyday for Him.

    The past month or so, I have wrestled with a different question.  As a Christian and a disciple I should be "witnessing" to other people.  I am not one to walk up to people Bible in hand and start preaching.  I rarely mention my faith at work or in public.  If someone asks me I will share my story, but I don't feel that I am called to get up and give a fire and brimstone sermon.  What I have felt a nudge that I can best glorify God by modeling and living my faith through actions.  I wear a cross every day to symbolize my faith.  My lovely wife made it for me and as usual of the jewlrey she makes it is awesome. 

    A thought hit me over the weekend.  If I am going to talk about my faith with people, what I need is an opening or an opportunity.  A way I can show my faith in a unique way, and pique people's curiosity without it being blatlently obvious and in your face.  I think that is what turns a lot of people off about religion and how some people choose to express their faith right now, it is in your face and shoved down your throat.  No one want's to be told what to believe or think.  One of the most awesome things about being a Christian is that God gives us all free will and that it is our choice to seek him out.  No manipulation or force.  I can witness for Christ in this way.  Just be there every day and living by His example.  When someone comes up to me and asks me about my faith then I can share my story.  Not tell them what to believe or that they will go to Hell.  But to let them know how and why I met God and how he saved my life and the love and peace that he has for me. To let them know what He did in my life.  A part of me is dead, I have been reborn and am a new person.  I have thought of a way to symbolize this and I have asked for Charlie's help with this.  I am excited about this and that I have found a way to express my faith in a way that fits my personality.

Supportive Spouse

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over seven months now.  I am happy and pleasently suprised at how I have adjusted to married life.  Before I met Charlie I had lived by myself for about eleven years.  One of the things that I had worried about was how would I adjust to living with someone else full time.  Well, obviously there are challenges and adjustements that have occurred and will continue to occurr in the coming days, months and years, but I think that I have adjusted well to married life.

I feel that one of the keys to a healthy marriage is to support your spouse when they are having a hard time with something.  This is one of the areas of our marriage where I think that I have been strong in.  However reality can sometimes help us see that their is room for growth.  For the past almost two months Charlie has endevored to change to a healthier eating lifestyle.  She has been very successful at this.  I try to encourage and exhort her in this endevor.  However, my own issues with diet and body image have sometimes caused a challenge.

I have been through the wars of weight flucuation, food guilt, and body image.  I see Charlie struggle with some of these same things and I want to help.  I have strong opinions and obervations based on my experiences.  More then once however I have caught myself "lecturing" her on how to do something.  She will gently rebuke me for this and keep me in check.  You see what bothers me about this isn't that she rebukes me, but that this was done to me in my child hood.  There was a lot of lecturing and finger wagging and when I catch myself doing that I shudder because I don't want to be that type of parent or spouse.  But thank the Lord I have a wife who helps me to be concious of this.

There has also been more then one time when she has shared with me her struggle with the diet and exercise routine, and instead of sharing in that struggle with her I have been locked in my own head dealing with my own feelings of insecurity and negativity with weight and diet.  I know people might look at me and say but your skinny now so why do you still have these thoughts?  Because mentally I am at many points still an overweight (245 pound) kid in a skinny person's body.  I may not look it, but inside I still feel it.  So, when Charlie is sharing with me her struggles I end up not wanting to talk about this subject and avoid it one because it is generally taboo for a husband to discuss his wife's weight and two I want to avoid my own issues with this what is for me an unpleasent topic.

However, my wife needs me to be emotionally present when she is struggiling with this.  I want to let her know that I have her back and am behind her 100%.  So when I see her hurting or struggiling with this challenge I am now concious of my own stuff and am able to more easily set it aside and be there and present for her.  So while in the short term I may be struggiling with being the supportive spouse in this area the struggle has led me to be more sensative and aware to what she is going through emotionally and more aware of where my own deficincies are here and that I still need to cope with them.  I thank God that I am married tosomeone who allows me room to grow, and gives me a second or third chance to get some of these things right.  I love my wife, she's kind of awesome.  I am so proud of the changes that she has made in her life and leading a healthier lifestyle because she wants to be there with me 40 years from now, rocking on the front porch and enjoying retired life : ).

Location, Location, Location

   This past winter was a rough one for me mentally.  A lot of dark, cold and sometimes snowy days.  By the end of the winter I had quite the case of cabin fever.  Those first warm, sunny spring days were like music for my skin eyes and soul.  This winter for the first time in my life, I asked myself do I want to spend the rest or at least a good chunk of my life bearing these long cold Wisconsin winters?  My answer is no I would rather not.

    In March in the middle of this winter Charlie and I visited some of her relatives in the Dallas area.  It was sunny and in the 70's and 80's while we were down there.  Being able to go for a walk in shorts in March was a special treat for me.  This furthered my thought process.  What would it be like to live here?  Now to be fair we spent 4 days in Dallas and there is no way based off of that to know.  There are so many factors that go into where to live.  Presence of friends and relatives, avaliabilty of jobs, quality of schools, weather, just to name a few.  I do know ideally I would like to live somewhere warmer and sunnier.  I am just not sure how realistic this is. 

    So to be fair, their are pros and cons to any place a person lives.  Yes Dallas is nice during the winter compared to here 50's 60's 70's and 80's, but as we saw this past week they can also get violent and tornadic thunderstorms on a much more frequent basis then here in Wisconsin.  It can also be brutally hot in the summer.  Last year they had a streak of over 40 consecutive days over 100 degrees.  None of this is to mention jobs and schools etc.

   Milwaukee.  There are many things that I love about living here.  Milwaukee in the summer is quite simply a gorgeous place to be.  The fairs, festivals, bright warm sun, green trees and grass, and of course the Brewers.  There is quite simply no other place that I would rather be in the summer and early fall.  At the same time I am suseptable to Seasonal Afectional Disorder.  I have a natural light that helps me get Vitamin D in the winter, this helps with sadness but not the boxed in feeling.  As much as I love being here in the midwest in the Summer, I can think of many places that I would rather be in the winter.

  California has a lot of nice weather, but the cost of living is pretty steep.  Virginia is another place I have heard a lot of good things about, but having never been there I can't say for certain.  There is also the personal.  My wife has many friends that live in southern Wisconsin and it would be hard for her to leave them.

   Every place has it's pros and cons.  There are so many things I enjoy about living here, but there is one pretty big one that I don't.  So  in the next few years we have to weigh all these things as we decide where to settle down and buy a house after I finish school.  I will look here first, but who knows where God will lead us to.

Visable Progress

     This past weekend, I became aware of how silly and potentially harmful a negative thought pattern that I had was.  I was able to take a step (or more) back and see it for what it is.  This thought pattern doesn't represent reality.  As I was talking with my pastor about this issue he said "you are worrying about a bunch of things that haven't even happened yet, and might never happen."  I know that in some of my previous conversations with my parents and others about this topic they have told me this.  That I was engaging in "stinking thinking", on some level I relaized this.  However, this time it kind of sunk in.

   Before now I wasn't able to take a step back and look at my negative ruminations objectivley.  In this case I was able to do that and internally say "hey wait a minute that isn't right", just because I am afraid that this might or is happening that doesn't mean that it is or will.  For me this is big.  Since my teens I have been a pesimmist where negative thought paterns are well established.  To be able to get a bit of distance and to look at this more rationally and objectivley.  So I am very happy about this.  There are some big changes going on in my life right now (ie going back to school), so I am prone to more anxiety then usual, but I must be making signifigant progress if I was able to break out of this patern long enough to see the flaw in my thought patterns.  I thank God and my family for working with me.

Anger and Forgiveness

    Over the past few months, I have used this blog to start putting some of my thoughts and feelings in words. Doing this, has allowed me to recognize more easily some of my emotions and thought patterns.  Many of us have someone in our life that we are most likely holding a grudge against.  A hurt that we still might be nursing from our past.  I know that I myself do still hold a grudge against someone who hurt me a long time ago.

    This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years.  This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional.  This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation.  Two years ago I found Jesus Christ.  Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening.  I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before.  However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from.  However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past.  I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person.  It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me.  So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?

    Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person.  As a son, as a man, and now as a husband.  So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains.  Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life.  I am going to let go of a part of my past.  I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family.  I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present.  Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.

Progress and backsliding

    I have not posted an entry for a few weeks.  These things tend to be a bit sporadic and random for me.  What has been on my mind a lot lately, is the thought of am I moving forward in life, or am I backsliding.  These two things seem like they are in conflict with one another.  You are either moving forward, or moving back.  Well, a thought occurred to me this morning.  In certain areas of life I can be moving ahead and backsliding in others.  It is not all black and white as my mother used to tell me growing up.

  I have felt for sometime that I have been backsliding at work.  Backsliding in the sense of avoiding certain people and certain situations.    Part of coming out of my shell and engaging the world more is to interact more with people and get involved in the external world.  Back in the summer of 2011 after I came to Christ and met my future wife this was easier for me to do.  I thought at the time that I had concurred my tendency at avoidance.  It was fun and exciting to engage and talk to people and learn more about them and myself in the process.  I was moving forward in this particular area of my life. 

    The past few months however I have really struggled with this area of my life.  Most of the time when I struggle with this is at work.  Every day I am encountering large numbers of people that I do not know.  My first instinct when I encounter these "strangers"  is to stick my head down and avoid eye contact.  I do not always do this however.  There are times where I take a deep breath and say hi and make eye contact.  I should add that one thing that I almost always do now is smile.  Smile while I am walking down the hall, or at one of my posts at work.  So I am really having some success with that.

    I have asked myself the past few days what is the answer to have the courage to engage people and not want to "run and hide"?  The answer that came to me is to be myself.  (This may sound obvious to many people reading this blog, however not always so much to me.)  The courage is already within me.  I just need to overcome that fear and be who God made me to be.  To become more comfortable in my own skin as I often am around friends and family.  So today I am going to just take a deep breath and remember to be who I am at work, and to keep studying Scripture when I feel fear starting to grip me.

    So, maybe in closing the purpose of this backsliding is to be able to discover an answer that is in me and be able to move forward.  They say when God closes a door he opens a window.  (Or something close to that.)  I think He just did for me today  : ).

Thought Record

     So, I am sitting here right now filling out a Thought Record.  It is a tool from the book Mind Over Mood, that my therapist recommend.  This book is a tool to help a person who wants to change the way they think.  The Thought Record is one of those tools.  The Thought Record has you write down a situation, what moods you are feeling as you have a thought/rumination, what "automatic" thoughts are in your head, identify the Hot Thought, evidence that supports the Hot Thought, evidence that does not support the Hot Thought, alternative/balanced thoughts, and re-rating the moods. 

   I haven't done this very often but I have found that when I have a thought that is really flying through my head filling one of these outs helps me what emotion is behind the thought and understand why I am feeling the way I do, and to figure out whether this thought is accurate or not.  This is a good way to start retraining my mind.