Anger and Forgiveness

    Over the past few months, I have used this blog to start putting some of my thoughts and feelings in words. Doing this, has allowed me to recognize more easily some of my emotions and thought patterns.  Many of us have someone in our life that we are most likely holding a grudge against.  A hurt that we still might be nursing from our past.  I know that I myself do still hold a grudge against someone who hurt me a long time ago.

    This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years.  This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional.  This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation.  Two years ago I found Jesus Christ.  Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening.  I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before.  However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from.  However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past.  I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person.  It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me.  So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?

    Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person.  As a son, as a man, and now as a husband.  So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains.  Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life.  I am going to let go of a part of my past.  I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family.  I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present.  Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.

Progress and backsliding

    I have not posted an entry for a few weeks.  These things tend to be a bit sporadic and random for me.  What has been on my mind a lot lately, is the thought of am I moving forward in life, or am I backsliding.  These two things seem like they are in conflict with one another.  You are either moving forward, or moving back.  Well, a thought occurred to me this morning.  In certain areas of life I can be moving ahead and backsliding in others.  It is not all black and white as my mother used to tell me growing up.

  I have felt for sometime that I have been backsliding at work.  Backsliding in the sense of avoiding certain people and certain situations.    Part of coming out of my shell and engaging the world more is to interact more with people and get involved in the external world.  Back in the summer of 2011 after I came to Christ and met my future wife this was easier for me to do.  I thought at the time that I had concurred my tendency at avoidance.  It was fun and exciting to engage and talk to people and learn more about them and myself in the process.  I was moving forward in this particular area of my life. 

    The past few months however I have really struggled with this area of my life.  Most of the time when I struggle with this is at work.  Every day I am encountering large numbers of people that I do not know.  My first instinct when I encounter these "strangers"  is to stick my head down and avoid eye contact.  I do not always do this however.  There are times where I take a deep breath and say hi and make eye contact.  I should add that one thing that I almost always do now is smile.  Smile while I am walking down the hall, or at one of my posts at work.  So I am really having some success with that.

    I have asked myself the past few days what is the answer to have the courage to engage people and not want to "run and hide"?  The answer that came to me is to be myself.  (This may sound obvious to many people reading this blog, however not always so much to me.)  The courage is already within me.  I just need to overcome that fear and be who God made me to be.  To become more comfortable in my own skin as I often am around friends and family.  So today I am going to just take a deep breath and remember to be who I am at work, and to keep studying Scripture when I feel fear starting to grip me.

    So, maybe in closing the purpose of this backsliding is to be able to discover an answer that is in me and be able to move forward.  They say when God closes a door he opens a window.  (Or something close to that.)  I think He just did for me today  : ).