Over the past few months, I have used this blog to start putting some of my thoughts and feelings in words. Doing this, has allowed me to recognize more easily some of my emotions and thought patterns. Many of us have someone in our life that we are most likely holding a grudge against. A hurt that we still might be nursing from our past. I know that I myself do still hold a grudge against someone who hurt me a long time ago.
This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years. This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional. This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation. Two years ago I found Jesus Christ. Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening. I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before. However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from. However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past. I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person. It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me. So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?
Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person. As a son, as a man, and now as a husband. So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains. Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life. I am going to let go of a part of my past. I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family. I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present. Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.
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