Normally, in the winter, I experience some symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Two years ago, I experienced some symptoms but the fairly mild weather and the opportunity to get outside negated a lot of the feeling. Last winter, I experienced more of the symptoms more intensely. This winter however, because I was busy school I didn’t notice the symptoms that much.
This week, I got some great news that I had been selected for an internship that I applied for. I was and still am overjoyed. However, as this week has gone on, I have felt an increasing amount of anger and frustration. I was confused I would be feeling these emotions after receiving this news and realizing that I would be able to quit my job in May. (I have been looking at getting into a different career for at least the past 4-5 years). I thought that I had been dealing well with the Seasonal Affective Disorder. It turns out that increased anger and irritability can be symptoms of SAD as well. In the past I had experienced the lack of energy and eating more “comfort “food. But I had not experienced the anger and irritability. The anger comes from a feeling that I am being cheated out of better weather or as we would say growing up “gipped” or “screwed” in today’s parlance.
So what am I angry about, or what thoughts run through my mind before I feel this way? I feel trapped. Trapped indoors, or trapped in a wall of snow and ice. I know that I have no control over the weather so why get so “worked up” about it, right? This whole process of deep Arctic cold and numerous snowfalls seems endless to me. At least another two months. I think of being able to step out onto my porch, on a warm sun splashed afternoon with a warm light breeze, close my eyes and enjoy the feel of the suns warmth on my face. The fact that we are so far from that right now, I just feel discouraged.
Now in a sense of disclosure last year I used a light therapy box a lot, and this winter I have not. This morning I started to use one again. This is irrational to me. Why waste this kind of emotional energy on something I have no control over. This leads to an increase in my anxiety level. I have so many awesome things happening in my life right now. I am falling more in love with my wife every day, I just got the internship and school is starting again (which is a good thing as far as I am concerned). Yet I am focused a lot of time on this anger and frustration. For short periods of time I can overcome these feelings by exercising vigorously, or spend time with my wife and family but I have not been able to turn this feeling off.
Maybe as school gets ramped up and I have to focus more mental energy on that I won’t be noticing this as much. I want to be able to hold onto the joy and happiness around me and let go of this anger and frustration I feel over something I can’t control. This thought pattern is classic “old Bryan.” Get worked up about something I have no control over and complain about it. Man, I am really trying to not repeat this pattern, but I have been unsuccessful thus far. Well, I guess the thing to do is keep praying for God to change my heart, and take it one day at a time. The snow will eventually melt, right?
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