Changing Filters

So I am sitting here right now staring at a weather forecast that shows very little let up in the cool and cloudy conditions of the last month and a half.  I find myself feeling frustrated, where is the warmth and sunshine?   When will I be able to enjoy warm weather and not be cold all the time? Then I take a deep breath and stop myself.  Why am I feeling upset?  Do I have any control over the weather?  The obvious answer is no I don't control it.  So the answer is to either accept it or do something about it.  And the ruminating in my head continues. 

I could just as easily turn to and focus the positive things that are happening in my life right now.  For instance, the fact that I got a raise last week, that I just got accepted to Grad School,and am volunteering at the Milwaukee County Historical Society, or that the first 4 + months of my marriage have brought me a lot of joy and happiness. But instead I find myself dwelling on the crappy weather.  So why am I doing this?  It is my mental filter, or what I chose to focus on.  So one of the things that I am working on is changing my mental filter.  To teach my brain to focus and dwell on the good and positive things and to let go of the negative ones.  I can't stop negative thoughts from forming, but I can choose to just look at them like a cloud and then let them go.

I will be honest, right now I find myself struggling with the filter change.  I find myself dwelling on some of the negative things.  I am determined not to allow myself to slip back into that mind set I had for many years, but right now I am really having to fight hard not to drift down that road.  Learned behaviors and thought patterns are so easy to slip into.  I find myself becoming frustrated that I am struggling.  I once again have to take a step back and say, Lord thank you for my struggles.  It is through these moments that he is testing me and helping me to grow. 

So in the middle of writing this entry, I went and ate lunch.  As I was eating something occurred to me.  In the past when I would feel frustrated and or angry about something I would either bottle up all my negative thoughts and feelings or just complain about things.  Neither one of these were a constructive way to cope with this.  So in this instance I decided to write a blog post and get my feelings out on (virtual) paper.  I feel a weight lifting from me.  So one way to change my filter is to constructively vent. 

I know that I should not be so hard on myself for struggling with change.  Especially at a point in my life when I am going to be starting school up again in the fall.  I need to take a deep breath and see where I have come from, and try to develop more patience and understanding with myself.  This isn't like changing an oil filter which takes maybe 5-10 minutes this filter was something that I have had tuned in the negative direction for the better part of the last twenty + years.  I have been trying to be more positive the past year and a half. I think I will just celebrate and enjoy that fact.