Anger and Forgiveness

    Over the past few months, I have used this blog to start putting some of my thoughts and feelings in words. Doing this, has allowed me to recognize more easily some of my emotions and thought patterns.  Many of us have someone in our life that we are most likely holding a grudge against.  A hurt that we still might be nursing from our past.  I know that I myself do still hold a grudge against someone who hurt me a long time ago.

    This was not a one time event, but over the course of many years.  This was not any time of physical abuse however, it was mental and emotional.  This led me to many years of low self esteem and self isolation.  Two years ago I found Jesus Christ.  Slowly these past few years my heart has been softening.  I am closer to forgiving this person then I have ever been before.  However there is still a part of me that wants them not just to know what they did to me emotionally, but to feel what I felt, to understand where I came from.  However, I now recognize that this need for them to feel the emotional pain that I felt is part of me that wants to hold on to the past.  I don't want to hold onto the past anymore, I want to let go of the hurt, the pain and the anger I have towards this person.  It isn't harming them at all, this internal poison is just hurting me.  So why should I let someone's past actions affect my happiness now?

    Before I can truly forgive this person, I must fulfill that need to have my hurt acknowledged, and that I do matter as a person.  As a son, as a man, and now as a husband.  So I am going to write a letter, and pour out all my hurt and pain and anger that remains.  Then I am going to do something that is still very hard for me to do at this point in my life.  I am going to let go of a part of my past.  I am going to do this for myself, for my family, and for my future family.  I want to be able to live in and enjoy the present.  Doing this won't get me all the way to where I am going on my life journey, but it is a step in that direction.

Progress and backsliding

    I have not posted an entry for a few weeks.  These things tend to be a bit sporadic and random for me.  What has been on my mind a lot lately, is the thought of am I moving forward in life, or am I backsliding.  These two things seem like they are in conflict with one another.  You are either moving forward, or moving back.  Well, a thought occurred to me this morning.  In certain areas of life I can be moving ahead and backsliding in others.  It is not all black and white as my mother used to tell me growing up.

  I have felt for sometime that I have been backsliding at work.  Backsliding in the sense of avoiding certain people and certain situations.    Part of coming out of my shell and engaging the world more is to interact more with people and get involved in the external world.  Back in the summer of 2011 after I came to Christ and met my future wife this was easier for me to do.  I thought at the time that I had concurred my tendency at avoidance.  It was fun and exciting to engage and talk to people and learn more about them and myself in the process.  I was moving forward in this particular area of my life. 

    The past few months however I have really struggled with this area of my life.  Most of the time when I struggle with this is at work.  Every day I am encountering large numbers of people that I do not know.  My first instinct when I encounter these "strangers"  is to stick my head down and avoid eye contact.  I do not always do this however.  There are times where I take a deep breath and say hi and make eye contact.  I should add that one thing that I almost always do now is smile.  Smile while I am walking down the hall, or at one of my posts at work.  So I am really having some success with that.

    I have asked myself the past few days what is the answer to have the courage to engage people and not want to "run and hide"?  The answer that came to me is to be myself.  (This may sound obvious to many people reading this blog, however not always so much to me.)  The courage is already within me.  I just need to overcome that fear and be who God made me to be.  To become more comfortable in my own skin as I often am around friends and family.  So today I am going to just take a deep breath and remember to be who I am at work, and to keep studying Scripture when I feel fear starting to grip me.

    So, maybe in closing the purpose of this backsliding is to be able to discover an answer that is in me and be able to move forward.  They say when God closes a door he opens a window.  (Or something close to that.)  I think He just did for me today  : ).

Thought Record

     So, I am sitting here right now filling out a Thought Record.  It is a tool from the book Mind Over Mood, that my therapist recommend.  This book is a tool to help a person who wants to change the way they think.  The Thought Record is one of those tools.  The Thought Record has you write down a situation, what moods you are feeling as you have a thought/rumination, what "automatic" thoughts are in your head, identify the Hot Thought, evidence that supports the Hot Thought, evidence that does not support the Hot Thought, alternative/balanced thoughts, and re-rating the moods. 

   I haven't done this very often but I have found that when I have a thought that is really flying through my head filling one of these outs helps me what emotion is behind the thought and understand why I am feeling the way I do, and to figure out whether this thought is accurate or not.  This is a good way to start retraining my mind.

Proposed Big Ten Divisions

Word leaked out yesterday that the Big Ten has just about settled on how they are going to redo their divisions in 2014. 

East
Ohio State
Michigan
Michigan State
Penn State
Maryland
Rutgers
Indiana or Purdue

West
Nebraska
Wisconsin
Iowa
Illinois
Northwestern
Minnesota
Indiana or Purdue

Commentary:  I really like how these divisions look.  They preserve natural rivalries and with the exception of Indiana and Purdue eliminate the cross over rivalries.  I recommend that Indiana goes to the East and Purdue to the West.

Changing Filters

So I am sitting here right now staring at a weather forecast that shows very little let up in the cool and cloudy conditions of the last month and a half.  I find myself feeling frustrated, where is the warmth and sunshine?   When will I be able to enjoy warm weather and not be cold all the time? Then I take a deep breath and stop myself.  Why am I feeling upset?  Do I have any control over the weather?  The obvious answer is no I don't control it.  So the answer is to either accept it or do something about it.  And the ruminating in my head continues. 

I could just as easily turn to and focus the positive things that are happening in my life right now.  For instance, the fact that I got a raise last week, that I just got accepted to Grad School,and am volunteering at the Milwaukee County Historical Society, or that the first 4 + months of my marriage have brought me a lot of joy and happiness. But instead I find myself dwelling on the crappy weather.  So why am I doing this?  It is my mental filter, or what I chose to focus on.  So one of the things that I am working on is changing my mental filter.  To teach my brain to focus and dwell on the good and positive things and to let go of the negative ones.  I can't stop negative thoughts from forming, but I can choose to just look at them like a cloud and then let them go.

I will be honest, right now I find myself struggling with the filter change.  I find myself dwelling on some of the negative things.  I am determined not to allow myself to slip back into that mind set I had for many years, but right now I am really having to fight hard not to drift down that road.  Learned behaviors and thought patterns are so easy to slip into.  I find myself becoming frustrated that I am struggling.  I once again have to take a step back and say, Lord thank you for my struggles.  It is through these moments that he is testing me and helping me to grow. 

So in the middle of writing this entry, I went and ate lunch.  As I was eating something occurred to me.  In the past when I would feel frustrated and or angry about something I would either bottle up all my negative thoughts and feelings or just complain about things.  Neither one of these were a constructive way to cope with this.  So in this instance I decided to write a blog post and get my feelings out on (virtual) paper.  I feel a weight lifting from me.  So one way to change my filter is to constructively vent. 

I know that I should not be so hard on myself for struggling with change.  Especially at a point in my life when I am going to be starting school up again in the fall.  I need to take a deep breath and see where I have come from, and try to develop more patience and understanding with myself.  This isn't like changing an oil filter which takes maybe 5-10 minutes this filter was something that I have had tuned in the negative direction for the better part of the last twenty + years.  I have been trying to be more positive the past year and a half. I think I will just celebrate and enjoy that fact.

Healthy Chicken Strips

Yesterday, I decided to make something healthy with chicken.  We came up with a recipe for healthy chicken strips.  You use almond flour instead of white flour, and include ginger, garlic powder, salt and paprika for spices.  Roll the strips in the flour spice mixture and bake in the oven for 30 minutes.  Then enjoy!  Instead of using an egg mixture to coat the chicken just use olive oil.

Overcoming Ruminations and Negative Thoughts (February/March Edition)

    As most of the readers of my blog know, I am on a life long quest to better myself, learn and grow.  The past 3 to 4 weeks has presented me with a new challenge.  That challenge is not to allow the snow and fairly gloomy weather that we have had to affect my mood and actions.  What adds to the challenge is that like many people I suffer from a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  To help combat this. my lovely wife bought me a natural light lamp to help me.  I have found that this lamp has increased my alertness during the day and I feel that I have more energy.  It was very helpful in December and January. 

    In the month of February, however we received a lot of snow and cloudy days.  I could feel a case of cabin fever coming on.  Charlie and I embarked upon a 4 day trip to New Orleans.  We got to see the French Quarter, Bourbon Street, the Ninth Ward and the Superdome.  I had a great time and my case of cabin fever eased a lot.  The past few weeks though I allowed it to come back with a vengeance.  I allowed the weather to "steal" some of my joy.  Instead of finding ways to get outside and enjoy the weather, I allowed myself to sit inside and feel cooped up.  I could feel frustration setting in. 

    So, last night my wife and I decided to do something about it.  We went and bought a couple of sleds, found a good hill and went sledding.  Just being outside and doing something different and fun was like a shot of endorphins.  Even driving around an area that we had not been before and exploring was great.  The sense of adventure that I was feeling enabled me to relax and enjoy the moment.  I am so grateful to my lovely wife for being who she is and always pushing to try new and different things.

    Part of my improving myself and growing as a person is to not let things steal my joy or dictate how I feel about or react to something.  Much of this past month I have failed at that.  But I am going to look at this as part of a larger learning process.  God put me in this situation to test me and to see how emotionally I dealt with this.  I may have tripped myself up and lost my initiative.  But I have learned a lesson, if I am feeling a certain way and don't like it there are two things I can do.  Try to do something to change it, or failing that change my attitude and find the joy in a situation.  This time of the year it is just more of a challenge for me to stay optimistic.  But with the support and guidance of the Lord and my family and friends I know that I will continue to grow.